Il Vecchio Castello

Was reading the yahoo news about an Aussie woman who had killed her toddler by accidentally backing into him while trying to park in the drive way. I was about to close the window when I saw this comment which said:

A sad event. This Aussie lady has been in Singapore long enough to pick up a bad driving habit of Singaporeans, that is backing in when they do parking. This is a selfish behaviour of Singapore drivers. They hold up traffic when they reverse their cars just to save some seconds of their time when they get out from the parking lot.

I was rather mad at that (because we are innocent of that accusation) and made a comment that said:

the only way you are taught to park in driving schools in singapore, basically, is to reverse to park. the instructors don't teach you to park head in because they (meaning the traffic police) feel that in an emergency, it is always better to have been parked tail in so that you can get out faster.

besides, your point about them reversing their cars to save seconds is not valid, because the same applies even if they went head in... they still have to reverse their cars and hold up traffic when they exit, taking up the same amount of time they would have taken if they had parked tail in, and so i completely cannot agree with your comment.

this was a sad accident of course, but it could also have happened if the mother was exiting and reversed onto her toddler, not just when she was reversing to enter the parking lot

I'd say something about the death of the toddler itself, but often there isn't really anything to say except for feeling sorry and feeling sadness...

For no reason at all, I recalled what Prof Chan said yesterday after he told me not to be scaredy... He said that I had done a good jury which concluded a good year for me, and then he said that the judges wanted to 'encourage me' which was why they gave me a B+. So I suppose that means that I wasn't actually good enough for a B+, but they just gave it to me so that it would 'encourage' me. Gah. Just tell me I'm not good if I'm not! That actually motivates me to work harder because in some way I want to prove myself.

Well I'm back from the rehearsal with OMM now... today was good! I played everything well, I came in on time, followed the conductor well... I am really starting to like orchestra. Well, in fact, I do love orchestra because I love being buried in the midst of the surround sound (the best kind) and I love being part of the music that we are creating! The only thing that has really bothered me is that so, so often, I end up dragging down the whole group because I can't play well, or my nerves overtake me, or the pedals go wrong, or something other, and the conductor glares at me which really is very stressful. I get really stressed when I play with the orchestra even though I love it... what a paradox because we usually like things that we're good in, not things we are bad in... During the ChildAid concert I performed in last year, just before going up someone said, "Have fun!" and I replied, "I only have fun when I'm not playing" which I meant as a funny comment, but was absolutely true, I love sitting and listening to others play, but when it's my turn to play I simply get so panicky that I can't enjoy it at all. But how I've always wished that I could enjoy it instead of worrying no end! I guess I really have to thank OMM and Prof Chan for giving me this chance to finally enjoy orchestral music. Maybe this is the turning point, the point where I will eventually play in the orchestra with real enjoyment. Ah we can all hope. The optimist in me is working again. She works too hard as it is.

I finally wrote a really long email to C... and in response C's personal message was changed to 'searing pain'. Sigh. Now I have to dissect everything all over again. Cover all the bases (possibilities). Try to understand 'searing pain' simply for itself, then look for more possible explanations based on comparison to C's previous comments, the personality, the expected reaction to the email I sent... Gosh I feel like a military strategist sometimes. They have to strategise until everyone in the enemy is dead. Imagine that! (sure hope that doesn't apply in my case) Sometimes I just want to grab the person, shake the person and say, "What in the freaking world is your Problem??!! Why are you so depressed???!! You shouldn't be so depressed!!!! You have a good life!!! Stop whining!!!" but to do so would suggest that I didn't understand, and well to a pretty large extent I believe I do understand. If understanding a person is like completing a puzzle, then every time I received new information from C's blog I understood more about the person. And when I compared the way C talked to me and then what I know about the person from their blog... and then it's like inner pieces that were confirmed by the corner pieces. And each time I find out more, it's adding to the puzzle. The picture seems so incomplete sometimes, and unfortunately, more often than I like, I find myself looking desperately at the corner pieces for some kind of clue, that should just occur to me. Fitting in a new piece (coming to a new understanding about the person) is painstaking work... like any other puzzle, I pick up a piece (consider a different possibility) and see if it fits, plus it must also fit with the neighbouring pieces (what I already know about the person)! Whew. I've never been really good with puzzles mainly because I didn't really have the patience for it. But now I have a mission. A mission which gives me new strength and determination to not give up.

Head is failing me. 振作点 head! (Buck up (bad translation but Google Translate's version is even worse)) Awful that every time I come back I can't think. Must be the physical exertion. Today I did it again... I moved the harp and everything else, and packed my harp on the road. Actually I'm pretty proud of myself. Me and dad managed to stuff the harp in the car, yeah, only the two of us. That's what's great. I'm still working on being able to work the 36kg harp on my own. 做个女强人！(be an Amazon) (why in the world am I saying so much chinese? Must be head's fault.

Haha. It's so interesting how I'm observing my own behaviour. I believe all people who deal in the study of the mind do experiments first and foremost on themselves. The best guinea pig there is... I mean, you're not going to sue yourself if something goes awry for you, right? :p That's an assumption. Wonder what the judge would say if he saw a case being brought to him that read something like "Person X (the plaintiff) wishes to sue Person X (the accused) for damages caused by the accused experiments on the plaintiff." Probably have a good laugh, then throw the case out of court. You're so funny, Karen.

Seriously though, I've frequently had this sort of self-observation about talking about myself to myself in the 3rd person... when I was in jc, I remember that on the day that Nambi broke up with me, I cried non-stop for 3 hours. And yet in me, there was always this part of me that was saying, "alright, that's enough, stop crying!" and at the time I wondered if all my grief was just an act. I told this to Wong Dingjie, who was comforting me at the time (I knew him because he was in the neighbouring class 32/07, was a loner like me (which was why I talked to him, I think I have interests in loners, haha :p) but friends with one of my guy friends from 32/07) and he said that he experiences it too. (I've always been very grateful for having someone who comforted me and I've never forgotten my debt to Dingjie. An act of kindness is never forgotten.) It's actually surprising how many people there are who experience it, but don't understand it. It was only when I got to Year 2 in uni when I attended Greg's class, that I finally understood what it was. It was Self 1 Self 2 (Yeah I know I mentioned this in my first post but never got round to explaining it) where Self 1 is the part of you who gives commands, and Self 2 is the part of you that actually does it. In essence, Self 1 is like the Greeks, the thinkers, and Self 2 is like the Romans, the doers. Haha. True, it is really more complicated than that, and often there are more 'selfs' than just 2, but Self 1 Self 2 does provide a good model... at least it's something I understand easily, and the first time I heard about the concept I just felt... 'Ah! So this is what has been happening to me all along'.

Currently listening specifically to "Il vecchio castello" (the old castle) from Pictures at an Exhibition. That's how I feel right now. Not completely melancholy, but filled with a kind of ... sorrow, a kind of gravity, but yet, a kind of... peace. The music is so beautiful. Actually, when I am sad, and I hear or play a sad piece... I feel my feelings dissipate with the music and I actually feel better. When I play happy music actually... it just feels like a painkiller that masks over the pain but the feelings are still there if you look. Unlike sad and/or slow pieces which give me peace. Strange... what a paradox I am.

Hmm... I keep feeling that my posts lack analysis in a way and it's slightly frustrating. But if I manage to remember the ideas that I want to analyse... I would love to analyse them, instead of always just talking about things.