When Colin first challenged me to write in a diary every day, I objected of course, and said, "I tried to write one so many times that I gave up, because I never managed to be able to persist." Plus there are so many things that happen throughout the day that no diary entry is going to be able to keep track of them all. Mainly I suspect that I'm long-winded, but then again summary was never my forte when I was taking O level English (since my English was good, maybe summary could be my mezzoforte? Hmmm... :p) but I think long-windedness might stem from my unwillingness/paranoia of potentially missing important details. But I guess I'll just leave my memory to fill in the blanks. After all what's a good memory for? :) Another reason why I never liked to write diary entries was because, as I explained to Colin, I love to talk to people and as I talk, the events of the day naturally come out by themselves and my chatlogs essentially become my diary, which is great because chatlogs never forget any parts of the conversation: they are saved for posterity (and used against you in the canonisation process if you're like Redbad aka Eibert Stroband aiming to become pope, then canonised as a saint :p)
Honestly though, I miss writing, in a way. I kept this blog because I've always liked the simplicity of black. Not to mention that it's gentle on my eyes. And over the years I've written little things, even when I wasn't blogging actively, that I felt were important to me at the time. Looking back at some of the posts I made, I smile because I can no longer remember many of these experiences. But I'm glad that I have a record, because no matter how much you talk to others, not everything that you want to say can come out as the other person turns the topic to other areas. Not to mention that I've been more reflective and less chatty recently. Plus, knowing the forgetfulness of people and our lack of thankfulness, this would probably be a good place to remind me, that there is always goodness in the world. As Youying posted in FB (a quote from another place) "Life is like a piano. The white keys are the good experiences and the black keys are the bad experiences. But all the keys come together to form a beautiful melody." I commented and said, "Well, luckily for us, the white keys outnumber the black..." Indeed, even if sometimes it feels that we're constantly playing on the black keys, just remember that even Chopin's 'Black Keys' Waltz is in an annoyingly bright major. Just like the bright major pieces that dominate the harp repertory. When I was in a bad mood and just wanted a dark minor piece to vent my frustration on, all I had was the annoyingly bright and cheery Spohr Variations to keep me company. Still, the music did keep me company and I felt better afterwards.
I'm beginning to understand why I'm so long and rambly: because when I think of one thing, my mind will go on to the next thing (even if it's only very vaguely related) and the next, and the next... no wonder when I was once asked to write an essay about 联想 (association of ideas), I couldn't write anything remotely resembling an organised essay because I just kept writing down things that my mind was generating, faster than I could write them down. In the end I gave up and pleaded to be excused from the assignment. I think the teacher took pity on me and allowed me to skip that essay... phew. Connections. That's it. My mind makes connections easily.
Hmm... let's see... I've written a bunch and nothing about my day yet! Hah. That's me for you I guess. Hmm... maybe one should start with a little about yesterday when I finally got back to Singapore after the Italy trip. Probably the most important thing is that I was reconciled with one of my oldest friends. We parted ways in Dec 2008, after 7 years of friendship, and at the time I didn't have an idea why she was so angry with me other than me not making the effort to speak to her in a month. (clueless then, still often clueless now unfortunately) but as we talked I finally understood that it happened because I had been neglecting the friendship for a long time. She said that she was always the one initiating activities, chats and etc (she's right) and that I was starting to become more and more distant from her and not telling her much about my own activities. Even important events in my life I did not mention to her. Sigh. I have done wrong to so many people in my life but I'm glad that I have another chance at this friendship. She said that I'd changed (she's right) and really I've always felt (and been amused by the idea) that if 15 year old me were to look at 20 year old me the 15 year old me would probably be pretty horrified. I felt so awkward about the whole idea of hugging (even between girls) in sec sch! Plus a whole bunch of other things. I still feel shy a lot of the time in the physical department.
Then I spent a large portion of the night listening to Hazel and Colin (conference call), two very interesting people who have their own issues to settle. Well, we all do. But Colin and I have been mentoring each other, we take turns... when I have a problem, he advises me. When he has a problem, I advise him, and then... I use the precise same words of advice he gave to me, on him! Yes, I'm evil, hehe. But isn't that what friendship is about? Indeed. Colin is one of the few friends who are still around, even after our AJchoir days (of course, being in the same church choir probably has a lot to do with it, but even then he has always been insightful and conversations with him have always ended up with both of us learning something new). Hmm... looking back at what I wrote, I realise how, and how often, I mention Colin. No wonder so many people thought that there's something going on between the two of us. Haha. Well, just that our lives do intersect a lot, but there is nothing going on except a very affectionate friendship. I love the fact that Colin is one of the few guys who is willing to treat me like any of his buddies. He even calls me 'Hey brudder!' sometimes, which secretly makes me very happy, haha. There was a bit of panic round about March when I feared that he liked me and he feared that I liked him because we were misreading the signs completely. Luckily we got that sorted out and I was so relieved when it was confirmed that we didn't like each other. So all's good.
This morning I woke up late even though I'm no longer suffering from jet-lag. Tried to continue with my project to re-arrange various hymns for performance in ACS(I)'s 'Day of Prayer'. Was then interrupted by two people who grossly overstayed their welcome (alright, just joking :p) and I played my harp for Hazel who has never heard me play the harp live before. It was wonderful to make her happy. Then we chatted and laughed... I haven't laughed so much in a long time. Partly because when I laugh my family members get annoyed and say that I have an annoying laugh. They're probably right, but the only time when I feel completely uninhibited is when I am with my friends. They already know about my craziness, so I am perfectly fine with doing pretty much everything. Except for the one single time when I shocked them with a comment that they still bring up in conversations when we meet up. Lol. Anyway I guess laughing less is part of maturation and on some level I was consciously aware of giving up laughter to focus on more serious thinking instead.
Hmm... Hazel wanted to see my room, and she did. I showed her the Carpisa turtle that I got from Italy (during our choir competition there in 2008) that more resembles a soft toy than a functional, albeit small, backpack. Then I told her that I've always wanted to use the backpack but I was getting far too old to be able to use it. As I looked in the mirror, I said, "You know, I've the craziest idea..." then proceeded to tie my hair up in two ponytails at the side for a laugh, to suit the turtle backpack. Hazel then suggested that maybe I could find a suit that makes me look really young and then go out with the two ponytails and the backpack. Hazel thought that it would be fun. Colin thought it was funny and was sniggering the whole time. I thought that it was both fun and funny :D anyways i found something that both of them said 'pass' to and all to do is to wait for a good day to *cough* premiere the outfit. I can't help sniggering here as well.
After they left I finally managed to get down to doing my arrangements and I attacked 'Be Thou My Vision', probably my favorite hymn of all time. I think my introduction doesn't really fit my arrangement for the main section, but beggars (of time) can't be choosers. Especially so because I still have another 11 hymns to look at (I'm playing 14 in total, they're really short though). But if I manage to fill up 25 minutes, I'll do less.
When I got on msn today, I saw offline messages from Jasmine which is fine because we really should start talking more. I won't be losing another friend in the same way if I can help it. And then I also received a response from C. Of course I'm not 100% sure that it's for me but hey at least I know that C is alright, in some form of way. And I had been just about to ask Jinjun, a majorly nice and friendly person at OMM (Orchestra of the Music Makers), to call C up and check on C. Anyways, C said, "All I wanna do is to hurt someone, and it might as well be you.". Well, if that is indeed C's aim, C is definitely succeeding but well, that's alright. I haven't felt so happy about a negative statement before (not at least that I remember). At least C is responding! And I know that C might seem cruel now, but C's nature is to care for others and this state won't go on forever. And... if my temporary suffering helps C, then let it be so. I would rather suffer myself than to see anyone else suffer.
It seems that my wish, that I would be filled with love for all mankind, is coming to pass. Nowadays I no longer feel any deep-seated sorrow except for others. Colin says it's 'agape' (Greek word) love. How beautiful that love is! That I might be able to keep on loving others even if they do not appreciate or even know about it.
Ubi caritas et amor Deus ibi est: where charity and love are, God is there.
I love that song. Then again I love to sing, to vocalise. Hmm, that's actually where I learn most of my Latin (and by extension, a little bit of Italian), plus I absolutely love the pure vowels in Latin and Italian. They just seem to resonate somehow. Oh, speaking of Italian, I realised that in Italy I could read a surprising amount of stuff. So I figured that if I knew so much already, I might as well continue and learn it as my 3rd language. Not many people use it, but it's such a pleasure to be able to use the successor of Latin that it surpasses the disadvantages, I feel. I would like even more to be able to learn Latin but then it's tough to get the material for it. Happily nowadays we have Google Translate, so at least if I don't understand my Italian books I can type in stuff and get it translated.
Anyway, it seems like I don't have anything else constructive to say, so bye for now.
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