To be free not in terms of time, but... just to be unrestricted and uninhibited.
Perhaps being in the AVA club and starting to know more about technology (helped in part by my friend Emma whose parents were tech people and she taught me a trick or two) and so whenever I have a problem with computers, or just setting up some things like what we do with IKEA products, I always try to solve it myself first before looking to others. If I can't solve it, I look for advice on the internet. If I still can't solve it, well the last resort has to be someone else I guess, but even then I'd try to do a big favor for them in exchange. (I've always tended to overcompensate but alright that makes me feel better about asking for help) Perhaps you could say that I have a male pride in not asking for help but I just like to think of it as being independent. Does wonders for one's creativity and resourcefulness too. Can't remember all the times when I improvised... I do that so often.
Then... moving into the NUS hostel was yet another experience. The thought that kept recurring to me during that time was, 'if you're not going to do it, nobody else will' and that was precisely true. I remember in Year 1 sem 2, I fell sick in the very first week of school (which is Very rare... I only fall sick somewhere in about once a year or so). Obviously there was nobody else around, and I told no one, including my parents. Feverish me went back to PGP to sleep, got a small towel, bought some ice from the drinks shop, put it in the freezer, then wrapped that ice in the towel and used it in the night (didn't want to use the ice in the PGP freezer because goodness knows what's been there before, ouch). It was the first time I had taken care of myself outside of school. The next day I went to see the doc at UHC (University Health Centre) and got some medicine, but by that time I didn't really need it anyway because my fever was almost completely gone. (I like my immune system). Plus, doing other more mundane tasks like cleaning your room, watering the plant, changing the bedsheets and all that... I used to clean the floor by hand which was... ouch.
I like the fact that by being independent, I can be a free spirit. Then I can do what I want to do, without having to tell anyone, or having to ask for permission. To be free from the opinion of anyone, to be able to explore however and whatever I want, or even to be unrestricted in the sense that I am not following any specific plan. Even though I love my friends, a lot of the times I am still a loner who likes to spend time alone with myself, reading books. I like walking as well and just reflecting on the nature of things. To look up at the night sky alone, seeing the constellations and feeling the weight of the universe press down upon us. Absorbing the secret power of the universe (alright I over-poeticised it). That's how I know there's someone out there waiting for us. Hard to explain my feelings, they are more instinctive rather than logical.
Actually... going to work at a budget hotel in Geylang (in the HQ, not in one of the rooms...! :p) didn't actually make me much more independent, because most of the time they made me do accounting, which was really @#$%^&* !!!! It was a real bore and it was so bad that that period of time in my life was the time when I really started to drink coffee often because otherwise the work was just so freakishly boring that I would fall asleep. I wasn't the only one though... I observed the Indonesian woman to the left cubicle (hey, bored, right? :p) and every single day without fail I'd see her nodding off because the work was just so repetitive and boring. And she was just an just an intern! Imagine doing that for the rest of your life... the ultimate nightmare. I'm so glad that I can love the job that I have, right now. Luckily for me while at work, sometimes I was allowed to call external parties for favours or stuff like that, as well as to reply to emails from sometimes grateful, but usually irate customers. You might imagine that it isn't easy, and well the calls weren't easy. Often I'd get rather stressed before making a call, because calls require split second thinking, which isn't one of my strong points, but even so it was a great experience, and I also learnt that making a mental template/script usually helps a lot. As for the letters, I actually loved it because it was actually doing something that was not repetitive and actually requires quite a bit of skill to compose a diplomatic letter. That's when I learnt to keep re-reading the stuff I write (to official places) until I'm satisfied with it. Though I wish that at the time I had this book called "How to win friends and influence people" because it just makes being diplomatic so much easier. It's practically a bible for all people (because we constantly interact and have relations with others), not just those who have to be diplomatic though. I'd strongly recommend everyone to read it.
Jon Lee borrowed that book from me yesterday because he was still depressed (from the same thing as last friday) due to some things in his interpersonal relations and he asked me to read his sms and offer comment, so I did, and then after pointing out some things I suggested that he read this book. When I lent it to him, he said, "You know, I'm starting to owe so much to you that I don't really know how to repay it..." and I said, "Well you don't ever have to repay it... you deserve it simply because you're my friend" :) I only wish that C understood. I love making people happy, or feel better when they are sad. Oh well anyways... back to the book... I actually started reading it because it was recommended by Greg, and boy, was it good! I learnt so much from it. Jonny said after reading half of it that he already knew it, but just that he wasn't thinking about it while writing his smses, to the detriment of his interpersonal relations. He's thinking of making a list to put in his wallet or somewhere so that he can read it every day and be reminded of it. Also today while taking a lift in his car I learnt more about the nature of our friendship. Because we hadn't been close much this semester, while the horns knew things about him that I didn't, so I had started to think that he had just treated me as a 'pad' during his time of need (or a term Jon introduced me to, 'emotional tampon'. Just in case you're wondering, he didn't come up with that term himself, or I would have gotten out of his car at that moment out of disgust (joking :p)) and that I wasn't really 'his kind of friend'... In other words, a person that he didn't really want to be friends with. I thought that we were drifting apart because he didn't regard me as one of his close friends, and well, 'not his kind of friend'. I actually felt a bit of tears welling up in my eyes when I told him that, which surprised me because I'd never thought that I was that hurt by it. Well, I was glad to find out that that wasn't actually the case, and that he had not said some things to me because he was worried that I would blabber (quite true) and also that he had been occupied by his other interpersonal relations. Friends really mean a lot to me and I'd do a lot to make them happy.
I guess that's part of the reason why I don't really like to make new friends... A lot of times I just want to concentrate on the friends that I have so that I can give them my fullest attention... which was actually why, in my first semester at the conservatory, I sort of withdrew and hid in the harp studio all the time until Yue Zhi and gang (including Jon Lee) actively sought me out and gradually I realised what great friends they are. Though... we usually go in a group of 4, which is the horn couple, then Jon and me, so a lot of people in school just simply assumed that since the horns are together, naturally I would be with Jon too. Well, I don't think we're a good fit for each other and on top of that I don't have that kind of feeling for him. I am very fond of him though, in the kind of affection that seems to be specialised only for my close guy friends. Hmm. I like this kind of platonic relationship.
I was talking to Jasmine through offline messages, and I was telling her about how we should learn new skills because of the law of diminishing returns... because I find that a lot of the time when we keep on concentrating on a particular skill, yes it does get better, but as time goes by, the amount in which you improve gets less and less until it effectively becomes not really worth it to work on it that much. The exception, of course, being that you are really so good with this skill and you love it so much that you think it's worthwhile to use a disproportionate amount of time to get the increases in ability that you want. Just like me playing the harp... I don't really improve that much but I think it's completely worth it because even a small improvement means a lot to me.
On an unrelated note, once I went to a masterclass, and the speaker said something like... the further you go up the ladder of perfection, the more imperfect you think you are. Because you start being able to recognise more and more imperfections in yourself, areas that you need to work on... Well true in my case I guess. I start to see more and more areas I need to work on, compared to the time when I was just playing happily on my own without worrying about this or that technique that I needed to work on.
Today's rehearsal with the OMM was good. I actually managed to play all of the notes! Though Prof Chan asked me to move to right beside the conductor... I got a major panic attack in the first of the Pictures I had to play (the piece I'm playing with the orchestra is Pictures at an Exhibition) and oh it was awkward. Plus Prof Chan was not in the best of moods because he was worried we wouldn't get enough practice before the concert, and the look he gave me when I made that stupid mistake... well for most conductors it would be considered really mild, but knowing that he is normally a very nice person... when he does that look it would be enough to strike terror into any heart. Oh alright. Maybe it's just mine. The others in the orchestra feel more relaxed normally and some even laugh sometimes. When one of the violins accidentally played my note, Prof Chan said, "Sorry, harp is over here" and the violin section chuckled. On the music level, I realise that this panic thing is affecting my playing, particularly because just before the entry I panic and then I'm thinking, "should I play? should I play? oh no I missed my entry!!" so that's basically how I got a C for my orchestra grade, haha. Also the panic thing is affecting my volume because I don't dare to play out. After the rehearsal Prof Chan told me not to be so scaredy (funny how he used that word :p). It's really frustrating though... I don't have that kind of problem during solo recital... maybe I just need to play more, which is why taking every chance to work with the OMM is so important to me... it gives me more opportunities to learn to overcome my nerves in a less threatening environment. Oh btw I can follow the conductor better now, especially when I memorise my parts. Yeah... it comes down to that. But if it has to be done, it has to be done. I'm thankful this time that the parts for Pictures is easier so I can memorise and be able to watch the conductor better. So I am hoping that, for the first time, while playing in the orchestra on my own (i.e. 1 harp only) I will be able to play well and follow the conductor well.
Gosh, I can think of so many things that went wrong all the other times when I played... Chief among them was Hindermith's Sonata for Brass, Piano and Harps... well alright I was playing with someone who was on 1st harp. During the piano solo with only harps accompanying, the she entered a beat earlier than she should have and continued. The conductor tried to help by showing 2 fingers to tell her to continue only in beat 2, but nothing happened and I started to doubt myself and wonder if the mistake was really with me... Seeing as she kept showing '2' I thought she meant "Harp 2, Harp 2" and so I changed and then it was REALLY messy. Ouch. Then the other time I made a major mess up was when I was playing Harp 2 before the interval, and then playing as the only harp after the interval. During the interval the stage crew took out the Harp 2 stand, taking my scores with it too. When I went on stage after the interval, all I had was the scores provided there, which were NOT sufficient because harpists need to make their own markings on the score because of the pedals and all that. I didn't want to go out and get them because I was afraid it would look unprofessional and that I wouldn't have enough time. Also I thought it would be okay because I'd practised the harp part so often, I memorised a lot of it. Well... augh... it was horrible... we were playing Petrushka, you see, and in the Moor's Room there was a harp solo that was "D E F G A", and because of the pedal problem I had, it became "D E F# G A", changing it from minor to major! Gosh, you should have seen... her head practically just whipped up... oww, haha.
I just looked at msn and C said in the personal message, "just get outta my face". Sigh... unfortunately it's the school holiday and when I don't have much to occupy myself with... it makes my mind roam more and somehow I keep thinking back to C and the actions of this person. I wish for the freedom in practising, the comforting solace of the music, to let my spirit fly... but one can only practise for so long before risking injury. Alas!
No comments:
Post a Comment