I feel like Gretchen at the Spinning Wheel...

Gretchen at the Spinning Wheel... the piano repeats a certain pattern over and over again, suggesting the movement of the spinning wheel and yet also implying Gretchen's mind keeps on going over and over the same person... while the left hand of the piano is like her heartbeat.

I don't even know what I was trying to do today. For the first time I actually got too depressed to practice. Or maybe I just didn't have the motivation to trick myself into practising any more. I spent half the day on facebook just... staring. It hurts. It hurts so much that I'm coughing, the empty, hollow cough that only happens when my heart really hurts. When I can physically feel my chest squeezing. I felt a burning from the neck up, while the other parts of me felt ice cold. I felt that when I left PGP that day. An unbearable despair and pain.

I was really depressed today until I saw a single word, and then I smiled like an idiot. Sigh.

Anyway I did nothing in the day today, and only at night did I mess round a little, playing through the entire Spohr and fumbling a little (okay a lot) on some of the large intervals. The chord went something like C-E-C-E in a LOT of places. The description of the Spohr variations in the front of the book said that Spohr’s wife was a past mistress on the harp. Well, I think she must have been a mistress with Huge! Hands! to play that stuff!

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I haven't much to say except for some... more funny stuff I guess.

My own toilet had some problems, so I had to use my younger bro's toilet. His toilet bowl isn't well designed and whenever you flush some stuff splashes out... ... Really, it’s so misleading when this model of toilet bowl is named "Imperial": which king wants to get splashed on the foot?

A: 哇，台湾人好有耐性哦。。。(Wow, the Taiwanese are really patient people…)

B: 你怎么知道？(How would you know anyway?)

A: 哎呀，是在看台湾戏练出来的啦！(Well, they learn patience by watching Taiwanese dramas!)

(because Taiwanese dramas are Reeeeaaaalllyyyy long, they usually last for at least 300 episodes, I don’t know how anyone actually has the patience to watch every episode…!)

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Night. I stare at your representation. No word passes between us.

A really long day

Phew. Today was the lesson with Gulia. The first comment she made to me (well at least after “Take your time, don’t worry” because I was late and had run to her class) was “You lost weight.” It seems that every time I see someone whom I’ve not seen for some time, they almost always comment, “Oh you’ve lost weight.” But since my weight is constantly hovering around a certain weight, it must obviously be the same weight that I’m losing over and over again. I’m reminded of a Garfield comic where Jon congratulates Garfield saying, “Garfield, you’ve lost a pound this week! I’m so proud of you!” and Garfield remarks, “It’s the same pound I lose every week.”

As for the lesson itself, it didn’t quite go as badly as I thought. I played the 1^st movement of CPE, theme and 1^st 2 variations of the Spohr and 1^st 3 pages of La Source. After the lesson she told me that the next lesson she wants me to play another movement of CPE, and finish up the Spohr and La Source. I was just thinking… oh man. Luckily I haven’t any more activities for the rest of the holiday. At least I’m crossing my fingers. I really dislike travelling out so frequently.

After the lesson, I got to practice on the harps! When I left, it was actually a rather emotional goodbye… I really miss Lyon and Healy, the two harps in the harp studio. This holiday they wanted to do some renovation or something in the teacher’s studios, so they removed students’ card access to the studios. Though the practice rooms are still open, it doesn’t really mean anything to me because the harps are still shut up in the harp studio. I really missed practicing on them. It’s quite a travesty, but I actually got so used to Ellie’s (my harp) sound, that when I went to play Lyon it felt funny. Actually what Bryan (Malaysian harp student one year below me, brilliant player) says is true when he says that Lyon’s higher octaves don’t sound good, because honestly that range on Ellie sounds better than on Lyon. Either that, or that I forgot how to produce a good sound on the school harps already… :/

I really can’t wait to get back to school. Now that I’m not practicing in a bid to get to a certain school just for someone, I’m finally free (well in a sense) to do what I want. Aim for any school I want. My romantic life no longer restricts me to certain choices. Previously when I used to like this guy from the US, I was really unhappy that he wasn’t from Singapore. I mean, I don’t want to move away from here, not really! Plus, he was Caucasian, so I was just shouting to myself, “What are you doing Karen??!” Somewhere deep in me I’d always looked down on SPGs (not going to define it, go look up a Singlish dictionary if you don’t know what it means) or otherwise girls who like Caucasians just because they think they look good looking, something that seems really shallow to me (still trying to kick the bad habit of judging superficial things like that). For one, my tastes are really not for Caucasians (prefer the dark type, don’t ask me why), so the looks thing wasn’t a factor at all in my liking him, all the more so because I’m a person who cares about next to nil about looks in a potential life-partner. But I guess I was worried that others would think I liked him because of the looks thing. For these reasons, I felt great anguish at the time when I had to admit to myself that I liked him, especially because I really really didn’t want to move, but well, I thought, you know, if a person is your soulmate, you gotta follow him no matter what, so that’s the direction I followed for two years, to practice and be able to get into the San Francisco Conservatory. But now… no more. I want to be no longer live a life that is dictated by the whims of my heart, but to finally live for myself (highly unlikely, looking at my track record… my head really doesn’t trust my heart’s new resolution…)

It’s quite liberating, in that now I am truly and wholly playing just for the sake of the music, to be a better musician, but at the same time it’s quite frightening to feel directionless. Well, all my life I’ve let my direction in life be dictated by people whom I had feelings for. As in, I always knew what I wanted to be and my end goals never changed, but the way in which I achieved the dream kept changing. This was also why I ended up studying harp in Singapore (this one was because of my ex) instead of overseas, when everyone was telling me that I would learn more in the US, for example.

Well, it actually turned out to be the better choice to stay here instead, because Gulia is really such a great teacher who will probably end up teaching me more than I would have been taught if I had gone to most US conservatories. And… well! She definitely has the connections. When I asked her today about buying a harp, she told me that she knows the guy from Lyon and Healy and told me to mention her name when buying the harp so that “they don’t stiff you with a lousy harp”. I was quite amazed that Gulia even knew him in the first place. Well, Julliard is Julliard. Can’t beat that. It’s really amazing though… with money you can do everything it seems. YST (Yong Siew Toh Conservatory) has been getting the best teachers from the best schools… that means that students from your school are now connected to students from Julliard, with all their connections. It’s really… well, a great but not wholly intended side-effect.

Then again, we at YST are already SO lucky to be able to have the benefit of teachers from MPO (Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra) because the MPO pays their musicians a Huge deal (sponsored by Sepang, Malaysian national oil company mah), so they attract the best musicians there, which YST then asks to teach at the school. Cool huh? Jonathan Fox (Percussion) is this way. Even though my teacher is from SSO (Singapore Symphony Orchestra), I can still see the rest of my classmates benefiting from the tutelage of MPO musicians, like Julian under Brett Stemple (Tuba).

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Oh… maybe I’ll relate some funny events that happened in the YST orchestra…

A violist arrived 20 minutes late and the pissed conductor asked him why he was late. The violist looked at the clock on the wall of the rehearsal room… then replied, “Oh my clock was 20 minutes slow.” The conductor rolled his eyes and said, “I think YOU’re slow.”

Then, there was this thing about the violist (different one) who actually did a well, shit, on stage. No kidding. It was, most embarrassingly, at the Esplanade Concert Hall. Yeah, I know, facepalm for the reputation of YST. Apparently, the offending violist had greedily eaten 3 packets of food during dinner time, so really it was no surprise that he had… digestion issues later on. And that guy being a 1^st year and all… he probably didn’t think that he would be allowed to get off the stage to do his thing, or maybe he thought he could hold it in or something… In any case, the deed was done by the end of Ein Heldenleben, and because that piece concluded the concert, the orchestra had to stand, sit and repeat so many times to acknowledge the applause… the wind section just behind the viola section had to bear the brunt of it… Ouch. Thankfully us harps were pretty far away so we didn’t get it. I myself didn’t smell anything and obviously Gulia didn’t either, because she was busy hugging us and congratulating us on a good performance (awww :) ), all of this happening while we were still on stage. Afterwards, when we went down to the changing rooms, we could really see blobs of… the brown stuff… … … The horrible part was that by the time the Esplanade crew managed to get to it, some of it had already seeped into the flooring itself, and worst of all, the SSO were having a rehearsal the very next morning, so all the Esplanade people could do was just to put on a sort of platform on that area and they just went ahead. Must have been a real stink. No wonder the story has spread well beyond YST. When I was rehearsing with OMM the musicians were talking about it (with completely inaccurate parts added in, you know, the broken telephone thing), and apparently it’s been talked about even in the MPO. Blah. Infamy for the rest of your YST life as the shitting violist.

My favorite teacher Tony had a real good laugh about it when he heard the story… he said that that shows that Strauss’ Ein Heldenleben is so difficult that it literally makes people shit in their pants! *facepalm*

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After I finished practicing, I intended to get to the Opus Dei centre for the class at 3, but I met Uncle Wah Peng on the way. I’ve always liked Uncle Wah Peng a lot because he always helps me to move the harps. Always on time and just, well… he likes to help me and I feel really bad about it, so I try to move the harps or something before he comes and it actually becomes almost like a kind of game sometimes :P Even though I know that it IS his job, I still feel bad about it because the harp is not light at all, and him having to move them around… it doesn’t feel right. So sometimes I help him as well to make myself feel better about it. Like the other time, I helped him to load the harps into the hard travelling cases when we were moving the harps to the Esplanade. Man those things were tough. I bought him chicken essence once because I felt so bad for him having to lift those 40 kg harps all the time but he said, “Next time cannot already ok!!” because he felt that I was still studying and I shouldn’t be doing such stuff. I told him that I was playing gigs outside, so I was earning some money (which was true, just that I’m not actually getting much) and he grudgingly accepted it, but since then he’s always remembered it, much to my embarrassment when he openly praises me about it… I mean well, if you’re reading this then you should already know that that’s what I do for everyone anyway, I just like people :)

Anyway, Uncle Wah Peng was talking to me about his daughter, which just got into Medicine in NUS. (before, he liked to talk to me about her because she comes from the same JC as me, AJC (Anderson Junior College)) Wow. Uncle really very li hai (formidable). I could tell that he was just so proud of his daughter and I just encouraged him to speak more and more about, especially because he was so happy and everything… I was really happy for him. He went on about him going with his daughter for the interview (with him waiting outside while his daughter was being interviewed, of course) and actually, us who can get interviews for admission into university courses or scholarships are already very lucky… there are so many who will never get a chance like that in their entire lives. Uncle said that he wanted to go and see what the interview was like because he had never had a chance to experience something of that scale of importance before. It’s quite amazing, the lives that other people lead… Anyway I never realised how long we had chatted, until I got to the bus stop and I realised that it was already 3.08. Obviously I was really late for the lesson.

Afterwards, I went to someone's 'summer' house, as he calls it. The 'he' in question is Diego, a YST student from Mexico. I was a little confused as to why he had invited me there in the first place, because I don’t really know him well. The only time when we spoke seriously was in the library, when I was going to practice in the harp studio (then I found out I couldn't get into the studio). I saw him watching an opera which piqued my interest. I was really free at the time so I just chatted to him, and we ended up chatting for I think 2 hours? About 2 weeks after that he invited me to see his summer lodgings and it was a bit weird, especially since if I went it would be only the 2 of us. I only said okay when I heard that there were other people going as well. I figured that since he was living alone, quite a distance away from YST, it's difficult to socialise and he probably just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. In any case, I did know him from school, so I was never really worried, unlike the time when I wandered into a guy's level in PGP late at night.

Anyway, for the vacation, he was living in a house where, well... even if you have money, it's difficult get a house that is as beautiful. When I saw it I was just stunned. I’ve seen plenty of huge houses, but none of them are quite as beautiful as that one. It was just so well-designed… the layout was just instinctive and natural. It put me at ease the moment I stepped in. I mean well, even if you have money, it’s hard to get a design that good. I’ve seen the houses of people who are probably 10 times richer… and the whole package can't match up at all. Seriously, it takes not just a rich person, but a rich person with taste. And luck I guess. Just, wow.

When I got there, I was the only person at the time, so as you can guess it was a little awkward. Diego showed me the pool and jacuzzi and the conversation topic got to talking about how, in Mexico, it’s quite liberal and people like to suntan and swim in a way that avoids tan lines... ... and he said, "You know, life is short. Just enjoy life! Why do you have to restrain yourself?" I was a little jolted myself but before you start thinking that he's a creep, well just think that it's his culture. He had such confidence that his culture's way of doing things is better, and I guess that a lot of people who meet such confidence start to think that yes, their way of doing things is indeed better. I think, though, it’s important to know that their way of doing things is not necessarily better, just different. Trying to do things their way in our culture is really not going to work.

In a way it's kind of like free speech… someone told me about one of the subordinates to Chee Soon Juan (Secretary-general of opposition Singapore Democratic Party), that this subordinate was talking to a table of people about how we all need free speech and our rights and how America does everything better… One of the people at the table got so fed up that he said, ‘Alright, we all have rights right? Well, it’s my right not to sit here and listen to this nonsense.” and then he walked off. Man, I really salute that guy. Believe me I've talked to my fair share of Americans and it can really get on my nerves when they keep parading their right to free speech. If you ever show your frustration, they think you're just jealous of them when really you just want to tell them that unbridled free speech is not always the answer. Just look at America's cults and all that... In fact I'm secretly glad that we have some restrictions on free speech. Sure, some areas it could be loosened up, but in most others... well let's just say that free speech is not a license to stupidity.

The poolside chairs were all facing up to the sky, and I forgot to ask Diego if he could see any stars at night. I think it could be really beautiful if there wasn't much light pollution from other buildings so you can actually see the various constellations. If Wynne and Kung Ming want to go again, I'll be sure to bring my star chart. I might actually get to identify more constellations, I've never been able to find the Big Dipper, so I'm pretty excited to try see it. :D Though I still think that the best place to see stars should be in Malaysia. My uncle (mom's younger sister's husband) once promised, after a night of stargazing on their balcony, to bring me and my cousins to Malaysia to look at the stars. They had never used that telescope of theirs, until that night when I discovered that they actually Had A Telescope! Unbelievable! If I had something like that I would be out there every night, for sure, until I identify all the constellations in the Northern Hemisphere. Now that would be really fun! :D

Anyway back to Diego's summer place... after a while Wynne finally arrived and rescued me. Phew. Then we taught Diego how to play chinese chess. If you've never played chinese chess before and don't know how to read chinese at all... well. I'm actually quite impressed that he learnt so fast. Of course he made a few mistakes on how certain pieces move, but I think by the next game he could actually beat me. I'm intrigued by the depth of his intellect.

Hmm. Well we stayed out too late and parents were a little upset. Umm.. well they usually are when I come back around 11, and mom said she was going to throw my computer out of the window, a threat that she has been using for... well, since I got to use a laptop in J2 (junior college, year 2). I can't exactly say that I got my own laptop because even to this day I don't actually 'own' a laptop... This one I'm using is sort of on a permanent loan from my older bro.

I'm actually pretty tired of travelling out all the time and am looking forward to a good rest tomorrow. I Am going to travel out to get my contacts though, sometime this week. They’ve finally arrived and I wonder what it’ll be like wearing them…

Sorry, I'm hardly being coherent at all...

Looks like dad's mio tv is going to be on all week this week because the tennis tournament he's watching will last until the end of the week. He seemed very happy to keep the mio tv on and told me that this would help me to sleep early. Well... that's true, but how do I explain to him that it's really affecting me adversely in ways not related to sleep? I don't even know how he would react if I told him that. Probably disbelief. This is infinitely frustrating. I... sigh. Today was not a good day. After not being able to use the computer last night after I got back, I went to sleep early and had some dream about an earthquake.

I was in a sea of schoolchildren and there was a sort of bunker-like structure, where, the strangest of all things, there were metal frames like the racks you see in warehouses. Bad idea, I thought, but anyway it would have been too late to move them. Having something that can fall down is one of the worst things you can do in an earthquake, because really what kills you is not actually the earthquake, but the things that fall down on you. Anyway, the earthquake was apparently scheduled to strike at 1246 and when it didn't happen, people started to get up and cheer, thinking that it wouldn't happen. I was about to shout that 'it's not safe yet' because predicting geological events can be really difficult and well, variance happens. Just then, the earthquake started, and the metal racks which I mentioned earlier, fell down. Oh well. I did say. Luckily nobody was hurt and when I got out of the bunker thing I had a really strong craving for icecream. That's when I woke up.

By that time it was already11am, which is considered 'early' in comparison to most of my wake up times this holiday. Mom got on me for saying that I always sleep late and I have a horrible body clock, but I've always made sure that I get 8 hours a day, or at least make up for sleep loss over the week. I thought Colin would give me lesson 2 today, so I waited for him. He didn't turn up. I think he forgot that he promised to teach me today. While I was waiting for him, I watched the movie Transformers (was on tv last night and younger bro recorded it), which is a pretty good movie. I have to admit that the bots actually looked a whole lot better than the ones in the tv series last time. Those tended to look really plasticky which contributed in no small part to my aversion in watching it in film. But today I was proven wrong. I now see why it's worthy of its significant fan following...

After watching though, Gulia called me up and asked me to go for lesson tomorrow. Aiyo, give me more warning lah... Then I looked at my pieces and then I realised... even though I feel as if I have been practising very hard all this holiday, looking at my progress I haven't actually made any substantial progress. Argh. Then the worst part was that I didn't have a pencil. This might sound weird but I'm actually quite reliant on my pencil for writing in all the pedalings and fingerings and stuff... without my pencil I'm often stuck, which was why I wasn't really eager to start on the CPE Bach's sonata because it has a lot of pedal changes that must be written down. I decided to cycle down to Gardens to see if there's anywhere which sells a pencil. I found pens but not pencils, which meant that I'd wasted time and energy going to look for a pencil. I was feeling really tired already by that time which I don't quite understand, because I did sleep enough last night... Perhaps it's just the late-afternoon drowsiness that I've managed to skip when I wake up after 12 pm. I did notice though, that after walking through the NTUC where I tried to look for the pencil (alright, I was desperate, and Gardens is not exactly the closest place to anywhere with a proper bookshop) I actually did feel better. Retail therapy! I was figuring out why some women would be helped by so called 'retail therapy' and looking at all the shelves of products in NTUC I was thinking that when females go out shopping, it's kind of like a prehistoric female seeing an abundance of food, which assuages their worries of not having enough food. In the modern context, seeing all the goods indicates abundance and may help their stress levels on a unconscious level. Either that, or it's just good old psychology that shops use to make shoppers comfortable so that they would buy more. Haha.

The probably only good thing about today is that I managed to learn the other 3 pages of the 1st movt of CPE's sonata so at least I have something to show her tomorrow other than just a third of the La Source and theme + 2 variations out of the Spohr variations. At 10pm though I was asked to stop. So now I can neither play nor use the computer and my head is just completely blank right now, at least more blank than is comfortable for me.

Gosh... yeah I know my situation with the lack of internet is not helping at all. Jon Lee said that I sound really muddle headed and I can't string anything coherent. I told him that this has been happening for days. When my internet is cut, I can no longer think, I can only react. When did I become this dependent on the internet? Or on communication?

I am still trying to construct a coherent email but I can't get anything out at all in this state. Perhaps it's better that I didn't try to do anything anyway, with my head just... empty. Maybe it's all just within my mind but the frustration is getting to me. It squeezes out everything else and... sigh. Maybe I should just go to bed. Let my brain degenerate a little more, every day...

Seems to be a music day today

Listening to Mozart's Concerto for Flute and Harp played by Emmanuel Pahud and Marie-Pierre Langlamet right now... in a reasonably good mood. In school right now because Carmen from Opus Dei had asked me to go for the Mass of St Josemaria which I then didn't get the location right *facepalm* I ended up in the wrong place and decided to just go to school instead, and then a thought occurred to me to listen to the flute and harp concerto... I always find it funny when I explain to people that I'm headbanging to classical music, but sometimes the rhythm is just so catchy...

Btw if you're wondering... I do listen to other kinds of music. My mind is actually very open to new things and it's fun when someone sends me music that they think that I might not like, but I do. One of the reasons why I like being around my trippy (well, triplet) is that she always sends me stuff she likes without worrying if I'd like it, and as a matter of fact, I almost always like them because there is almost always something to appreciate in every kind of music. And really, what she sends me often makes me smile because it's something so new to me but yet so worthy of appreciation. Of the people/music she has sent me so far, I particularly like Kerli, and some other songs produced using Vocaloid is pretty good too. The last thing she sent was 'Suki Daisuki' which was so cute, it was funny, you know, like watching the antics of a little kid.

Speaking of little kids, I was playing with my little cousin Hazel yesterday, who is 22 months and she can already vocalise to ask for some things. How amazing :) she kept asking for jie jie (older sister) yesterday because her mom was trying to get her to have her nap but she knows that jie jie won't send her to sleep, haha :p then she kept asking me to sit on the steps with her, which I did... when I stretched out my legs they reached from one end of the staircase to the other. When she tried to do the same, she came up to less than half the same distance. The length of my legs exceeds her entire height. How fascinating, hehe. Then she kept asking for frogs because they often catch some frogs in the garden. The poor frogs probably won't be appearing any time soon though, I was told that there had just been poisonous fertiliser added to the soil. As to why fertiliser is poisonous I have not any idea. Isn't that the wrong idea? Do we not have any alternatives that are less damaging to the environment and our health? Sigh.

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Today Colin came over to my place to teach me some organ skills, so that I can become the next organist for 11am. He also gave me a copy of Breaking Bread, which is our hymnal, just that it's last year's version so they don't use it any more and he said that I could have it! Yay! :D I've always wanted to be able to record songs by both singing and playing, but doing both simultaneously has always been a challenge for me, particularly when I'm on the harp and I need to move a pedal, the intonation tends to change. If you've ever watched the video of me playing and singing the Ave Maria, you'd understand. Colin then suggested that I could use a recording device like Jonathan Wong's (not Lee) to first record the piano part and then sing over the recording. Oh well. What I'm working on is a Zoom Q3 which is pretty much good for my purposes already so I shan't complain too much. The sound is really quite good and all my videos on youtube have been made with the Q3. He taught me the 4/4 version of ballad and ballad rock which I think I've pretty much caught. He also taught me the Mass parts for the Gloria and Our Father. Reasonably straightforward. Afterwards I showed him my recordings of the hymns that I had played at ACS(I) that day and I surprised him with my chord experimentation on Amazing Grace, heh. Otherwise I was thinking that my harp improvisations so far should be directly transferrable to piano except for a few tweaks to be able to aural clues to lead the congregation.

Later on, when he was on the way out, I realised that my dad had asked my younger bro to have his tuition in his room. It didn't take me long to figure out that my dad had made that request: he had done so so as not to... ahem... Disturb us. Totally hilarious. I can just imagine the various people in the household taking bets on which guy which comes to the house is my boyfriend. The answer is, none of them, simply because I don't have a boyfriend. Pay up, all of you :P Actually after the chalet last week I had wanted to write a post about my own relationship situation (No it does not have anything to do with either Jon Lee or Colin...!), but I'm still in the process of fully articulating it. Furthermore my notes about it are in my home computer still so I have to get back to them first anyway.

Ah! The cadenza of the 3rd movement! Written by Reinecke, it sounds lovely. I'm reminded again that I have to play it next year. Not exactly my cup of tea because I like the Handel harp concerto better: even before entering the conservatory, when I had to choose a concerto to play for my audition, I chose Handel because it's just more fun, really. Hmm. I have to ask Huang Yin what concerto she played for her audition.

Gosh... just listening to Bach puts me in such a good mood. I was listening to Brandenburg 2 played by my friends and... ... ... ... wow... I couldn't stop smiling all through the whole thing. Bach is really such magic. He weaves with the lines of staves. I really have to thank Wen Rong for making a recording. It's simply... well, you can really understand why Bach is singularly the most represented person on the Voyager Golden Record, out of all the people that ever lived. I can't believe that I was never really into Bach until after learning about the intricacy of his fugues and all the stuff in the WTC. Then again, I guess it's like art people with the Mona Lisa or the statue of David... Most other people are just saying 'meh, what's the big deal with this stupid thing' but for those who really know and understand... they just appreciate the magic and pure genius behind it, more and more. Btw... WTC means Well-Tempered Clavier (Keyboard), not What The C***. Just thought I should say it xD I never realised that it could stand for something else until yesterday in the shower and I just thought.... oops. Heh. If you're interested in getting to know Bach, I highly suggest the Brandenburg Concertos, especially Nos. 2, 3 and 5, 3 being my favorite. The Prelude from Cello suite No. 1 and Prelude from Violin Partita No. 3 are also good, though for the violin partita I prefer the harp version of it, specifically Marie-Pierre Langlamet's version of it, simply because her artistry and mastery of that piece on the harp far exceeds the vast majority of violin players. She inspires me because she dares to dream what other people think is impossible on the harp. Anyway. There's also Art of Fugue but that's a bit harder to appreciate without a score. Coming to the end of the Art of Fugue though... that was the first and only time Bach made me tear up. He never managed to finish the Art of Fugue, you know... he died before he could complete it. When I heard the last notes of the unfinished last fugue, No. 14, die away, the notes incredibly full of the the promise of something beautiful, like a secret bridge to paradise... the promise unfulfilled... I felt an incredible sense of loss, not just for myself, but for all humanity.

The heart is a sea of secrets

Earlier today, I thought I wouldn't get a chance to make my post today and somehow that thought made me really frustrated. I think it's not actually making the post itself, but more that my internet access is restricted because of the mio tv thing. I was already making my plans on how to get internet in another manner... I used to use the computer in the darkness in our living room when I was in jc and before I went to uni... that was how my astigmatism went up by a lot because I was using it in the dark because my parents didn't let me use the computer but luckily I almost don't have to resort to that any more, except today (at least I thought) because of the restricted internet. Though I know that it's the best thing for everyone if my dad and older bro got to watch their mio tv, it does still get on my nerves.

I wonder how much everyone is holding back inside. When we see something that we are unhappy about, most of us don't express it, and that's usually for the best because oftentimes, silence is actually a better policy than honesty. But if we all hold back things... how many secrets do we hold then? I think of myself and how many secrets I hold... I have many friends, many of them really close friends, but I can't really say that any of them actually know everything about me. After knowing me for 2 years, one of my friends said that he still doesn't understand me. But but... I want to be understood. I want to say everything to someone, maybe not everyone, but at least someone, but yet, nobody I'm close to is someone that I would say everything to. Maybe writing things down is a start.

Another thing is that I believe is that I have become reliant on writing as a way to process my thoughts. I feel as if my ability to think is debilitated when I don't get to write things down, like on the days when I have to make short posts because of the mio tv.

I am feeling so frustrated that I’m nearly going out of my skull. One part of it is anxiety but the vast part of it is really about this feeling of sian-ness (ennui) that I often associate with my periods of demophobia when I really don’t want to talk to anybody at all. And yet this seems to be the opposite… the fear of not being able to communicate. So I feel this feeling whenever I I’ve been getting too much socialization, or too little? There is still so much that I don’t understand about myself. Yes I have come a long way since the arbitrary flare-ups that led to the end of my first relationship, but even then I need to know my own reactions to things before I can truly make rational decisions. Why is it not coming to me?

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I heard from one of my juniors the other day that one of the Section Leaders (SLs) after me made a comment to the section that I had not been a good SL. Actually I was a lot more surprised that my junior was a lot more angry about it than I was, her rationale being that you don't criticise your predecessors, especially to people who don't know me and may have the wrong impression of me. Well, I wasn't mad at all, just raised my eyebrow and said mildly, "Oh, really." and I was thinking back to the time when I was SL. I do remember that I was a poor SL in so many different ways. I could give the excuse about how messed up I was at the time because of the breakup of my first relationship. But suffering is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and if they wish to dislike me, I would humbly accept it. After all, I know exactly what I did and did not do as SL, and truly... if they didn't dislike me at the end of my tenure I should be extremely thankful.

In summary...

The past few days have been such an absolute roller coaster that I don't even know where to start. I've written down my points for this post somewhere but I don't think I will have time to actually write out everything because dad turned on his mio tv thing and I don't have any connection to my own room. Also I don't think it's easy to fit in 2 days worth of thinking into half an hour, especially because, for once, it isn't so much of random fluff. The next stuff that I'm going to talk about Is more of descriptive though, and skimming over the more important issues to have a brief overview about what I was doing the past few days. I couldn't write something every day the last few days because I was offshare from mainland Singapore, so there wasn't any internet connection. No I do not have a smartphone! :P

I was talking to Jon Lee about how writing something every day means that you have a hit-and-miss situation. Some days, it's completely random and hard to follow, but if you write something every day, sometimes you hit on the good stuff. I think back to the last few times when I used to blog infrequently because I was often waiting for something discussion-worthy to write about, but it becomes a kind of waiting game sometimes.

The chalet on the offshore island of Sultan Shoal was extremely fun though, just like the first time I went. We went fishing and caught a lot of fish, which Yuezhi's mom then cooked and we were able to eat for dinner as part of the nasi lemak. Jon Lee said that he should change his major to fishing, so that for the first time he will be able to know a skill with which he can feed himself. Haha. Viola players. Anyway the island has 2 chalets and only PSA employees can book the chalet, which means that it's pretty much alone most of the time, except for the occasional times when you meet the people from the other chalet. Yuezhi's mom loves the place, because it's a place where one can truly be alone.

Another thing... Jon Lee has officially graduated from BMT! BMT meaning... Basic Mahjong Training. We were teaching him how to play mahjong while on the island, and he was teaching us how to play the Cashflow, which is a game that teaches basic financial knowledge. A fair exchange, I think. Anyway I still have to share this family computer with my younger bro, who wants to use it now, so cheerio til then!

The search for truth

I was watching a documentary today (documentaries are my guilty pleasure, I can spend all day going from one documentary to the next, assuming my automatic nag-to-go-practice button doesn't deploy) and it was about Galileo and his publication of his theory of a heliocentric universe. Galileo VS the Catholic Church is probably the most famous showdown of science VS religion. Many science advocates use this example to show that things that religious leaders say is rubbish, or at least not completely believable and their belief in their religion is often groundless. Of course, if you look at the Catholic Church today, everyone is able to see that they are very open about science. The Vatican has its own observatory and the Church even holds the view of theological evolution (there's a link to the wikipedia article on one of my older posts, but I'm sure you'd rather just look for it yourself) instead of creationism.

It seems that the Church has done an abrupt about-face when it comes to science, and some people have even said that this was a sign that, after bowing to the pressures of society to accept the truth of science, the Church would slowly come to accept other things that are socially acceptable but not necessarily theologically acceptable, for example homosexual relations. In my opinion, that is highly unlikely.

Long before Galileo (1564-1642), St Thomas Acquinas (1225-1274) was already teaching about the nature of truth... Truth is truth, and truths that we find cannot possibly contradict other truths. If you have two ideas that you think are truths but yet one obviously contradicts the other, then evidently, one or both of them must be wrong, i.e. not the truth. Up to here, commonsensical enough. The dicey part comes when you are trying to decide if the 'truths' that we already know are really truths or not. In the case of the Galilean saga, the Church believed strongly in the geocentric universe because it had always (alright, for 1500+ years) been the scientific truth that was taught by the Greek masters, Aristotle and Ptolemy. Compare those venerable masters to Galileo, and the poor guy must have seemed like a real upstart at the time. If that doesn't move you, try comparing any memorable composers of today to the music masters like Bach and Beethoven. No comparison. The Church took the science of the Greek masters, compared them to theology about how "Man was created only less than the angels", and felt that the geocentric model made sense because, how could we have been put on an Earth that orbits the Sun (thus making it 'inferior' to the Sun) if we humans were so exalted, so to speak.

The geocentric model was so common during Galileo's time that it is important to note that when Galileo wrote his Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems, the two systems he wrote about was the heliocentric and the geocentric. Galileo saw the geocentric model as important enough to give evidence for both sides, though he was clearly in favour of the heliocentric model. The Church saw this, and they knew all the 'evidence' for the geocentric model of course, and so to them it was completely unthinkable that this joker is trying to advocate something so different. In their eyes, because they saw the geocentric model as truth (they definitely had the 'evidence' to back it up), they saw Galileo as not only trying to undermine the authority of the Church (I have always seen this as a possibility, the Church was kinda corrupt back then) but also advocating bad science. The idea being that the Church saw geocentricism as conformant to Scripture, the 'truth' of science being confirmed by the 'truth' of Scripture (recall St Thomas Aquinas), and heliocentricism as not having the 'endorsement' of Scripture, so to speak. In other words, they saw Galileo's 'truth' about the heliocentric model as being contradictory to the 'truth' of Scripture, or at least what they thought Scripture was about. The Church, seeing itself as the moral authority, thus saw fit to step in and force Galileo to recant under multiple threats. The Church was wrong of course, but what it did at the time was not completely irrational nor based solely on Scripture, but rather grounded on scientific 'truths' that had held 'true' since the time of the Greeks.

As people, we are all on the search for truth, and almost nobody is ever completely sure that their version of 'truth' is indeed, the truth. Though we may find something that seems to be the truth, we owe it ourselves to still constantly search for the true truth. After all, if we just stubbornly hold on to our own version of 'truth' without exploring what others have to offer, can we really say that what our version of 'truth' is really the truth? If our 'truth' is untested, how do we know that it is true then? At the same time, if we find more evidence for our version of 'truth', will we not then be more convinced that we are on the right path in life?

On a side note... Galileo was also wrong. The universe is definitely not heliocentric. Two sides arguing vehemently about who is right... when both are wrong. Funny.

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About today... As a rule I don't really like to go out because travelling tends to tire me out. I do however enjoy taking the chance to observe other people's behaviour, especially kids, because they have the most uninhibited and unadulterated behaviour. I was going towards the Serangoon MRT when I saw a man giving out flyers. Two sisters, maybe around age 8 and 6, were walking in front of me and the younger took a flyer and the flyer guy said 'Thank you". I was trying to figure out why he had thanked the two girls in particular, especially because he was so black faced towards the other people who had reluctantly taken his flyers. I understood when I saw the content of the flyer... It was selling some condominium development. (Though why a condominium developer would advertise in an MRT station, I can't really figure, it's not exactly the right target group) When the two girls saw what was on the flyer, the younger exclaimed, "What do we need this for??" The older girl said, "Throw it away." The younger girl scolded the older by saying, "We can give it to mom! She buys houses, duh...." while pointing at her own temple to denote her own intelligence and imply her older sister's according lack of it. I couldn't help but smile. Aiyo, their mom is quite poor thing. She not only gets irritating flyers from those that she meets on the street, but now her kids are bringing home flyers too! Hahaha.

On a different side... though what the older girl said makes more sense to adults, they would probably think of the more articulate, if rude, younger sister as being the more intelligent. Mainly because she speaks more. When I used to go to primary schools for various purposes, like giving tuition to kids who can't afford tuition, or organising other activities like an educational talk, the more articulate children did indeed make me feel that they are more intelligent. This makes me think about the common fault that Jon, C and I all have, that is, we tend to talk too much unnecessarily and end up shooting our mouth off sometimes. Might it be that since young we were taught by experience that talking more gets us more comments from strangers or relatives saying we are smart, so when we get an idea we want to say it out straight away, in a display of intelligence, not knowing that true knowledge comes not in constantly speaking, but rather in listening to what others have to say and then learning from them?

Yet, a lack of expression is clearly not a lack of intelligence. Yuezhi would be the best proof of that. She's actually pretty quiet most of the time, and was definitely very quiet when she was in secondary school, because we have a classmate in the conservatory whose boyfriend used to be in the same class as Yuezhi and apparently in those 2 years, she was so quiet that the guy wasn't even completely sure that he was really in the same class as her. But she's definitely highly intelligent, something that we could tell, long before we even knew that she used to be from the gifted program.

I had a discussion about the gifted program on the Italy trip with a lady whose niece used to be from the gifted program. She said that looking at her niece, the gifted program kids tend to be more articulate, and the niece once confronted (yes confronted) the school principal about the behaviour of a pregnant teacher who was having hormonal imbalances, shall we say. Though the principal tried to explain, the girl wasn't mollified and in the end the principal had to get her mom to come take her home because she refused to leave until she got a valid answer. There is the implied meaning that the intelligent kids, especially those in the gifted program, are more articulate. But maybe being articulate, sometimes to the point of being irritating (my little cousin is like that), is a kind of learned behaviour that kids do because they learned at a young age that it earns them smiles and approval from the adults. When we look at Yuezhi, how we know that she is intelligent is from the way she responds to situations as well as questions posed by other people. But maybe kids don't have so many opportunities to exhibit their intelligence in that way and get approval from adults, so they learnt to speak non-stop instead, to show to others what they know. Hmm.

Whatever it is, I hope my little cousin grows out of it soon, for the sake of my other cousins who have to live with him. It really gets irritating. But his behaviour is kinda useful though... whenever I start to talk too much about rather commonsensical things to people, I use the image of my little cousin to remind myself not to be irritating :P

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In case you were wondering why I went out, it was to meet my junior Penelope (if you read the archives from way back you can see her being mentioned) who put all her eggs into one basket, "albeit one that I like very much" and after not getting what she wanted, she's now bereft. I thought about it myself and realised that we all do that sometimes. For me it was being with my first love. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with him and for two years I planned every aspect of my future life around him, being around him and sometimes choosing not to go for options that would have been better for me. When the breakup came, I just felt as if my future (in a way) was ruined. My dreams were gone, because he had featured so prominently in them it seemed difficult to be able to dream again. I didn't know what to do with my life, I was lost because he gave my life meaning. The words of love that one speaks into a beloved's ears is not always just mushy fluff, as I found out the hard way. Looking at our couple blog from those days (it's private with a password, so don't bother trying to look for it) I felt the pain all over again and I couldn't take it in the end and I had to close the window. This was really someone whom I loved with all my heart. In some way I'm still scarred a little by it, but luckily for me I've always been able to be easily distracted, and I just pile on the ideas in my head until the things I don't want to think about are stuffed right in the very back of my head.

Anyway for Penelope I suggested a ton of ideas. Privately I was glad that I had gone to university so that I knew more about the system and could do more to help her. She didn't get the scholarship to go to France, so I suggested writing to French companies operating in Singapore (the only one I can think of offhand is Carrefour, but that'd hardly qualify?) or the Association Francais de Singapour to ask for financial assistance. The truth is, there are rich people out there who don't know what to do with their money because actually the vast majority of the self-made rich are hardworking people and not materialistic, so they often have excess and are really looking for a good place to put it in, and if you can convince them that you have a purpose and a passion... She was also worried because she had missed the application deadline for accomodation in France. I told her that even if the deadline is over she can still try her luck. It's just a letter or phone call away and if it works, then good, if it doesn't, you don't lose much anyway. Sometimes a deadline is just a matter of administration and well, if you get lucky, it's great. She mentioned getting a student loan but as a person I'm really not for the whole student loan thing. Getting into debt even before you enter the workforce doesn't sound like the most prudent action to me, but.... oh well, if you need it, you need it. Then she examined her dream of working as a French teacher/translator, and wondered if it might be possible to be something else. I told her that since she has both the passion and the ability, she should go for it as far down the road as she can. Well, she has the blessing of her parents for her dream, which I think is truly a great blessing. So many people have a passion that their parents didn't support, so they ended up going into careers that they didn't really want... and only being able to pursue their passion decades later. At this age if we can we should be chasing our dreams, because we have many more years to go and really if it doesn't work out, we just try another route.

Rambles again. Well it's late so here I go to bed.

P.S. I added some dividers so that the ideas are clearer. Hope that helps.

Demophobia

Hmm... I don't really have that much to say today, particularly because it's late... suffice to say that I went out (again) to Pitstop cafe which is really like a kind of Mind's cafe. After that they went to eat at some restaurant kind of thing, and they were drinking alcohol, which is really not my kind of thing. Other than being really turned off by the smell and taste, I really don't have a thing for consuming a substance that interferes with my thoughts. As I saw them just having fun drinking some drink called 'Waterfall' where alcohol cascading down a bottle is set alight, and having 'Flaming Orange' where one drinks the alcohol in half an orange skin, eats a section of an orange, and drinks orange juice after that. It was unnecessarily complicated and somehow after that I just kept feeling... is it really necessary for anyone to drink before they feel that they have a good time? Can't understand those people. My mom does tend to drink sometimes, and when I was 4 she tricked me into drinking some beer because I thought it was apple juice (well, it was the same colour...) and since then alcohol and me just don't mix. Just as well, because alcohol is expensive, an expense that I'm secretly glad not to have to make.

Well... after a whole day just playing games and chatting non stop and the antics with alcohol I just have... demophobia. A kind of feeling where if I'm around people any more I want to explode, and I just want to be withdrawn and not talk to anybody at all. Probably it has to do with the things that I've been doing since last week, with the rehearsals for OMM and then all the conversations with various people. I feel that I'm once again approaching the point where just one thing will throw me over the line and I will end up avoiding people for some time, and when I do that, I'm not even sure that I will update the blog every day because I don't really feel like talking right now. Didn't help that C came online and I sent the person 3 messages and C never replied... well okay. At least I can take it pretty well for the most part... I just need to practice more. To solve the musical problems, not the real ones...

Well, I am always reachable via email and sms. Cheerio for about a week, I guess.

Random musings about art

Btw... I finally understand why people use the word 'random'... because they, like me, are often unable to link the jumps in their ideas from one to another. And so, because there is no link, it is... Random! Well, anyways.

Today is the last day that I will be playing with the OMM for a long time. I will miss them because they are the greatest (the most passionate and musical) bunch of musicians I've ever worked with in my life. I enjoyed, truly, Making Music with the orchestra of the Music Makers. They are having another concert in august where they will be playing Don Juan, but I won't be involved because their 'regular' harpist, Laura Peh, will be having her holidays and coming back to Singapore from France where she is studying. Yeah I know I'm not a good orchestra musician... I'd be the first one to admit it. And as a conductor, naturally you would want the best players to play for you instead of having to train up a particularly panicky (yeah that's the word Jon used to describe my style of playing) player, right? I'm not resentful because I know that she IS better than me and if she is, she has the complete right to be playing with them, not me. It just gives me a greater determination to learn.

I wore all black today. My teacher Gulia (when we speak to her we call her 'Mrs Gulia' though Gulia is really her first name. Kind of like Mr Omar the teacher in charge of the Cedar AVA club.) would say, "Oh, please don't wear black, it's so depressing." In another conversation with her once during lesson, she continued and said, "I never wear black. Oh well, I did when I was in my early twenties, but that was because I was depressed." Thinking about it and fitting the pieces together, she had probably just gotten into Julliard at the time and had to work as a maid to pay her school fees (before she finally realised that she couldn't possibly go on like that and eventually found some other form of funding I guess) and lack of sleep probably made her grades go down, and lack of practice probably made her performance go down too. No wonder she was depressed.

Speaking of depression, I think that this may actually be the most productive period of my holiday. I just want to keep on practising, to focus my mind on things away from my own interpersonal relations, to solve musical problems that I actually can solve and not have to stare in the face and have it laugh back at me. *glares*

All of us in the conservatory are so extremely lucky to be able to be on scholarship and never have to worry for money. Especially me (in being accepted in the first place). I've always felt that Gulia accepted me just because it was the pioneering year for harp students. For the auditions, only two auditioned, one who actually qualified and the other who played badly (she actually said to me, "Remember the Handel Harp Concerto? The one you played badly?") but she felt compelled to just accept me because she didn't want to start a class with only one student. In one of the first few lessons, she stated explicitly that, "I took you in not because you were good, but because I saw that you had potential." Probably she saw potential in me in the form of my attitude because, in the interview, I showed so much joy towards making music and she came out and spoke to my parents and said that I was 'spunky'. First and only time I've heard that word being used to describe me.

Well, it sounds as if I feel inferior to other harpists but I don't really feel that in a pervasive manner. I know that technically or even experience-wise I can't match up to many of the other harpists. But what is within me is a certain purity of heart with life's experiences, some not my own, that have caused me to mature in a way I could never have imagined, the first time I produced a sound on the harp. In a kind of way, there's always been a show-offish side of me that comes into full view on stage. A kind of quiet, arrogant elegance. Not confidence, but arrogance. I'm the most important person on this stage for the next 30 minutes, and you better listen to me, because I have something important to say, and what I say will blow your mind. Well, something like that.

Whenever I get on stage, it's a different persona. Karen the solo performer is quite different from Karen the off-stage (lame) joker, or even Karen the orchestral harpist. It's like an actor's role. And yet... sometimes we get into the role so much that we actually believe it's us. Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie becoming a real life couple after playing a reel life couple. Or the countless opera divas. When we play only happy pieces... at some point it becomes effortless to believe, or at least to trick our mind, that happiness is the only emotion we can and should feel. On one hand we draw from our own feelings to be able to bring out the feelings inherent in the music, but on the other hand, what music we draw from the notes on the page also become part of us. What is ours, and what is the music? Or have we become THE music?

I was wondering about Tolstoy's 'What is Art?', where Tolstoy believed that art (meaning all forms of art) was born to be a medium of self-expression for the artist, and art that is meant for money-making or otherwise commercial purposes cannot possibly be art. The first time I read his book so many alarm bells were ringing inside my head. By his definition, Bach's beautiful Brandenburg's Concertos are not art, because they were written as a kind of resume to seek employment with the count of Brandenburg. As far as I know, Tolstoy's aesthetic ideals were influenced greatly by absorbing all the influences of the Romantic period, especially the Late Romantic of his day, and so like Bach was able to absorb the entire spirit of the period he worked in. But obviously none of us still live in the aesthetic ideals of the Romantic period. And what if it is a piece of music that was composed by let's say the Bartok Viola Concerto to make money, but then was given true feelings by the performer? Is it art or is it not? I smile if I imagine Tolstoy in the world today. Art is so commercialised in a manner of speaking. What happened to spontaneous self-expression? Probably Tolstoy would be running around crying, when the truest 'art' in his definition may be those that is created by children and lunatics in art therapy.

As to regarding the absolute music vs programme music schism... I've always believed that absolute music won out because it's the only kind of music that you can project your own feelings onto and then imagine it to something that means something to you. In that way the music becomes personal. Programme music on the other hand gets boring when there's only one way to interpret the music. Well in a way it's kind of like the difference between books and movies. Movies are nice of course, but sometimes books are more powerful than you might ever imagine. Then again (I was thinking about this while in the patching session for OMM's CD recording), if absolute music won out in comparison to programme music, how come opera houses, which have a definite interpretation of music, are hugely more financially successful than orchestras? We have so many orchestras closing down or at least reducing in size (no Mahler for you), while business for opera houses is booming. Is this not another kind of absolute music vs programme music debate? Is it simply that programme music/operas are idiot proof, and that absolute music is the higher form of art? (I might accuse myself of being elitist but the truth is that I love opera, programme music and absolute music all equally) For more ideas, you can read here: http://101cds.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-everybody-hates-modern-classical.html

Speaking of movies, I've come to a new appreciation of them instead of just looking at the action/storyline, after taking the literature module and seeing literature even in movies. Yesterday night I was watching Ice Age 2: Meltdown, where there was a scene where Manny the mammoth went to the river edge to reflect on the possibility that he was the last one of his species, and there was a falling leaf that I thought was representative of the moment: the leaf tumbling to the ground pulled by the irresistable force of gravity was like the inevitable extinction of mammoths. As a person I pay an inordinate amount of attention to leaves. Maybe because I think they are so poetic. I hated staying at shears in year 2, but if there was one good thing, it was that every day when I was waiting for the bus, I could often see leaves falling. When I was reading 'Waiting for Godot' by Samuel Beckett, I observed these falling leaves, like the lives of people, short and falling constantly towards death, falling, floating in the breeze, flashing a few times, and then gone. I couldn't help but link them to a particularly poignant moment near the end of 'Waiting for Godot', where Pozzo says, "They give birth astride a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more."

Nothing that we have or create lasts forever, save for the human relations, the joy that we bring to others. Sometimes, I wonder myself why I practise so hard, and I remind myself that I can too bring joy to others by my music. Not just joy, but also peace and healing in the form of music therapy. So. Are we working hard to create things that last, or just to achieve things that will not stand the test of time?

Happiness is a choice

I was so morose today. The same things kept going round and round in my head. I just wished that I could practise more, but even then while practising I cannot fully control my thoughts, though the moving fingers diverts my attention and the music further diverts it. I felt hot, then cold, absorbed in my own misery until I walked outside and suddenly I woke up... and I thought to myself, "You've always said that happiness is a choice, Karen. Now is the time to prove it." To be honest, I did feel better afterwards.

I was thinking back to C and how morose this person is as well, and how this person does so many irrational actions. Then I thought again, that many things can make us irrational sometimes but the greatest culprit is romantic love. Somehow, that kind of love just makes us irrational, even a normally rational person like ... well, some of the most rational and logical people that I know of.

Love, love changes everything,

Hands and faces, earth and sky.

Love, love changes everything,

How you live and how you die.

Love can make the summer fly,

Or a night seem like a lifetime

Yes, love, love changes everything,

Now I tremble at your name.

Nothing in the world will ever be the same.

Off into the world we go,

Planning futures, shaping years.

Love bursts in and suddenly,

All our wisdom disappears.

Love makes fools of everyone,

All the rules we make are broken.

Yes love, love changes everyone,

Live or perish in its flame.

Love will never, never let you be the same

I recall why I was such a wreck after the breakup with my ex was because at the time I thought that he was my soulmate, no question, and without him, I would never find happiness with another person. When we got back together after more than a year, I thought that that would be the final destination for me romantically speaking... but then... I started to realise how little I knew this person. How what I had thought about him before, of various things that I felt just confirmed that we were soulmates, wasn't really true. I thought that being with him again would solve all problems and that it was the end point of happiness. Well obviously it wasn't. Also I'd realised in the year that we hadn't been together, both of us had changed so much that we didn't quite match any more.

When Jon and his ex broke up (alright not exactly that but anyway) Julian also shared his own stories, about how he used to be a shy guy, and now that he is a confident guy, he could easily have won back his 1st gf, but he wouldn't ever choose to. Because when he looks at her, he sees how different the both of them are now and well she's no longer his 'type'. Also, he also talked about (my characteristic sidetracking starts here) what women look for in a man. I still remember it. A little chauvinistic in my opinion but here it is:

• Provide

A woman looks for someone who has either money and/or ambition to basically be able to provide for a family. Ambition obviously goes here, as does a constant drive for self-improvement.

• Protect

A woman wants someone who will always be at her side protecting her from the world. Kindness, altruism and gentleness goes here.

• Seed

Umm well, someone that can give her children. I guess these are the indicators of fertility. I don't really have to elaborate on this, do I?

As a female... well these things are not completely untrue. Hmm. Still... I can't help but think back to what Sigmund Freud said about women... that after 20 years of studying them he still couldn't figure out what women really want. Can a person really find out what women want, when most of the time they themselves don't know what they really want?

Btw, I went to the optician to place an order for contacts today. I've been wanting to get them for years, ever since jc, but mom never allowed me to get them because she never believed that I would be able to take good care of them and I'd get an infection or something. Well, during the trip to Italy I managed to convince her to let me get contacts, without speaking a single word of persuasion. All I did was state, "When we get back to Singapore I want to get some contacts" and she agreed. How did I do it? Ah! (Bosco-style :p) Well... I brushed my teeth. Only that. Haha... if you're feeling mystified, well, basically after I got my braces, I've been spending on average almost 30 mins a day to clean my teeth (I asked the dentist about it and he said it was perfectly normal, just that most people don't bother) and I continued to do that every day in the trip, even when I was very tired, to the sometimes frustration of my mom who was tired of waiting for me, haha. So basically the care I took with my teeth convinced her that I would be able to take care of my contacts properly should I have any.

Wow... I've really changed since I got to university I guess. I'm a whole lot more organised now, with a determination and self-discipline that I've never known before (just ask my despairing maths teacher Ms Casey Goh, who always expected me to have my tutorials Not done). I get the feeling it's not just because I am doing something I like now... so what happened? It was not as if there was a huge heart-wrenching event that happened to me. Is it just the environment of intellect and impassioned learning? Or the constant self-pressure to become better because I compare myself to others and don't like the result? Or just things that happened to my friends, and in the circle of counselling (especially Jon Lee's issues) we all learnt something? To be honest I have no idea, just that I'm throwing out ideas. Perhaps some day I'll know what really changed me so much and use this factor of change to change my future life for the better.

(None of the things I mentioned actually have a proper link to each other, except in my head. I am trying to figure out how I can manage to think in a linked manner because right now the only way that I can get some linkage into it is when I actually go back, read and think about how to actually link them. Unfortunately I don't have the time for that because dad changed the wires so I don't have connection to my own laptop (not that I don't know how to connect them back because I sure do, but each time we do that the connection takes pretty long to be resume operations) and have to use the public computer. Plus, dad wants the computer now. Phew. I am beginning to understand why I'm not a good 'live' storyteller... because I add in so much nonsense in parentheses. And... more parentheses.)

Oh! Btw... some pretty pictures to look at... all of these are 2D paintings, none of them actually 3D, it just has that effect! http://bridge.skyline.net/illusions They look like the artwork in the churches of Italy, where a lot of the time it actually gets tough to see what is sculpted and what is painted, because the two are often interspersed.

Darkness shades me

The day of the OMM concert. Most of the orchestra played well. With the possible exception of me.

1. I forgot the last page of my score. Well that was still okay because it was all drowned out by the orchestra anyway so I air-played the last page, pretty much. Score -0.5, Total count -0.5
2. During the Cum mortuis in lingua mortua (With the Dead in a Dead Language) (the dead language being obviously, Latin) where I had a solo, I counted wrongly and came late. Partly because my mind wandered off to think about C, for whom my heart still hurts. The conductor showed surprise in his face when I didn't come in as I should have, which was when I realised something was wrong. It ended up, the last thing I played harmonised with the chord that the winds entered on. I was really supposed to end before they enter, but the harmonisation of the chord allowed it to still make sense musically. Heng ah. Still... Score -2, Total count -2.5
3. In The Marketplace at Limoges, it was pretty alright until I came in in all the argh! wrong places! I'm not sure if it can be heard but I suspect so. Score -2, Total count -4.5
4. My tuning was... still imperfect. Better than during the rehearsal because before the concert I had silence in which I could tune in peace (the tuner doesn't pick up sounds that are too high or low so I can't tune all my notes using it) and listen carefully. Previously I felt that listening to strings that were plucked hard (to be heard over the din of countless trumpets, violins, horns, etc practising) would be good enough to tune properly but the more I listened the more I felt that something is not right. So I managed to tune better but still imperfect. Score -0.5, Total count -5

Unfortunately, this is already one of my more successful performances. Still a real mess up. But even though I had these myriad problems, Prof Chan still just said 'bravo' to me as he was exiting the stage. That was painful. Knowing that he said the words just for the sake of saying it, for encouragement, instead of genuine appreciation for a job well done... That just hurt my pride in so many different ways.

You know what's the worst thing about being a conductor? Seeing your player flop bigtime in the concert and still having to say 'bravo' to them afterwards.

You know what's the worst thing about being a student? Getting a high grade for your jury (performance module) not because you were genuinely good, but because 'oh we wanted to encourage you'.

I feel insulted.

The title of this post is actually from the opera 'Dido and Aeneas', Act 3 by Henry Purcell, an opera that I love to quote from, not least because the opera, for once, is in English! The words go: 'Thy hand, Belinda... Darkness shades me. In thy bosom let me rest. More I would, but death invades me. Death is now a welcome guest' No, even though I'm not feeling my best, I do not mean all that is written in the lyrics, just giving a context of the section of the lyrics I quoted from.

Though... the way things were today, it was tinged so much by the idea of death. Almost as if the Sepulcrum romanum (Roman Sepulchers) and Cum mortuis in lingua mortua of the Catacombs had invaded our real lives. C's personal message on msn said: 'i'd like to fall into a deep sleep and wake up after 100 years. though not waking up at all works as well.' and a retort that I badly wanted to send to him, but didn't, was 'well, if you really want to die, you can do it in front of me. i don't know CPR.' Yeah I know... these kinds of comments might give me momentary smugness when I say it, but what's the point? It advances nothing. Like Margaret Thatcher said (in relation to not admitting the existence of the British secret service MI6), one should "never admit to anything unless you have to" Well, taking that and stretching it a little, I guess we should begin to not say anything unless there is a point. Alright I know the quote and the statement are not completely related, but cut me some slack. It's 3.22 am now and I'm still not in the best of moods. Still, hope within me hopes that "Tomorrow will be a better day!" - Chief, OAC 2005

Into the darkness

Well there. C has started talking to me again. I was having dinner with people from OMM just after going to Synwin at Marina Square, a shop that specialises in string instruments. I never even knew that shop existed until Jon showed it to me. Oh man that shop is phenomenal. It's like a wonderland just for non-string musicians, just imagine how much more it would be for string players! There's a harpsichord which I saw and then immediately recognised as the one that the school had rented for their symposium 'The Performer's Voice' in my first year. And that already made me excited even before I entered the shop! Then there was even a lever harp in the corner! I mean well I could see rows upon rows of violins and violas hanging from the ceiling, but below that the display had a wide range of CDs and other products with 'music' as its theme. Including a beautiful antique-style clock from Quartz that was in the shape of a lyre. (sorry I have a thing for antique-style clocks, and the lyre just makes it all the better) How do they even get this stuff! I had no idea Quartz had a beauty like that! Augh! A passage I found online about that kind of clock...

Lyre clocks got their name from the swooped style that the clocks were made in. This style resembled the shape of a lyre, which is a musical instrument similar to a harp. Thus, it was the shape that gave the lyre clock its name. Lyre clocks have been built by many different clock makers, and have been constructed in all manner of variations, colors, and sizes. Some are small table-top models, while some are big enough to sit on the floor like a grandfather clock. Some are very spectacularly designed, while some are very plain. The woodwork on most of these clocks was usually done to imitate some kind of theme, like leaves or vines. The clocks usually had brass or wood trim, and were decorated with all manner of different decorations on the front, top, and sides. These clocks are collected by people all over the world for their elegance and originality.

Lovely, isn't it? It was just all that I could possibly to to not run around screaming like a little girl around the shop because everything was just all so... Wow......... I examined their CD range, most of which was string of course, but they also had an interesting collection of operas and oratorios and orchestral works. I saw a harp CD that I was seriously tempted to buy because it had I think almost all the harp concertos in there. (okay, so there aren't that many, so they can all be put into 2 CDs) Maybe I'll go tomorrow because it's starting to sound better and better as I think of it. That's usually how I am when I buy something, really... I'll see it, then the vast majority of the time I'm not sure about it, so I think about it and get it another time. My mom gets fed up with me when I have to buy some clothes or something because I can never make up my mind. And then I decide not to buy anything at all and my mom says, "Go out shopping have to buy something what, or else not called shopping" and I'm going, "Whaaaaaaaat..." Funny. I just realised that that is also my attitude towards relationships. Interesting. Maybe I'll comment on that some time in the future.

Anyway, we went to Synwin in the first place because Jon and I were going for dinner with some other people from OMM and we had gone to that shop to meet David Loke, a violinist (Colin has mentioned him before because David used to be from YST before he disrupted his studies to go for NS) who was buying a shoulder rest. While they (the two string players) were discussing the merits of this and that brand of shoulder rests, I couldn't contribute anything to the discussion, so I was looking around the shop which was when I saw all the things I described earlier. And when I walked back to the two of them again, David said, "You look bored." I was not, not in the least. I was just completely fascinated and mouth agape like a child looking at the stars for the first time. It was completely unlike any music shop I'd been into before. I'd been to quite a number but they tended to be more on the selling guitar/other band instruments type. This was the first time I saw a shop specialising exclusively in classical instruments used in the orchestra. How amazing! I can finally understand how famous harpist Yolanda Kondonassis felt when she first went to the Lyon and Healy (famous harp brand) shop when in holiday in Chicago... It must have been breathtaking, to stand amongst such beauty and elegance. A kind of silent wonderment. No wonder she was inspired to learn the harp. Wow.

Anyway during the dinner after that I received the sms from C asking if I was free tonight, and then I replied, and then C said 'nvm i'm not'. When Jon asked about that aspect later on, I just said, "I dunno, maybe C is just weird. Then again, all my friends are" and it was funny watching Jon's reaction. Nah, I know the reason why. Just that sometimes we should just shut up and just think about what we say before we say it. C is at a sensitive time now and trying to help C I just feel like... well I don't feel like I'm in a mess, more like I have a bunch of wires tangled together. i know that I am going to get it straight sooner or later, but I look at the huge tangle and then I think (quoting Jon Lee), 'bloody hell', in that... I know that things will get sorted eventually, but now... is still a question of 'how do we get there?' Or if I were to use another way to describe it, it's as if I had walked into a very black cloud of smoke. I know that this cloud can't last forever, and that eventually I'll get out of it, but right now is like, "Okay... what now?"

Well. Into the the darkness we go! Onward and upward!

Il Vecchio Castello

Was reading the yahoo news about an Aussie woman who had killed her toddler by accidentally backing into him while trying to park in the drive way. I was about to close the window when I saw this comment which said:

A sad event. This Aussie lady has been in Singapore long enough to pick up a bad driving habit of Singaporeans, that is backing in when they do parking. This is a selfish behaviour of Singapore drivers. They hold up traffic when they reverse their cars just to save some seconds of their time when they get out from the parking lot.

I was rather mad at that (because we are innocent of that accusation) and made a comment that said:

the only way you are taught to park in driving schools in singapore, basically, is to reverse to park. the instructors don't teach you to park head in because they (meaning the traffic police) feel that in an emergency, it is always better to have been parked tail in so that you can get out faster.

besides, your point about them reversing their cars to save seconds is not valid, because the same applies even if they went head in... they still have to reverse their cars and hold up traffic when they exit, taking up the same amount of time they would have taken if they had parked tail in, and so i completely cannot agree with your comment.

this was a sad accident of course, but it could also have happened if the mother was exiting and reversed onto her toddler, not just when she was reversing to enter the parking lot

I'd say something about the death of the toddler itself, but often there isn't really anything to say except for feeling sorry and feeling sadness...

For no reason at all, I recalled what Prof Chan said yesterday after he told me not to be scaredy... He said that I had done a good jury which concluded a good year for me, and then he said that the judges wanted to 'encourage me' which was why they gave me a B+. So I suppose that means that I wasn't actually good enough for a B+, but they just gave it to me so that it would 'encourage' me. Gah. Just tell me I'm not good if I'm not! That actually motivates me to work harder because in some way I want to prove myself.

Well I'm back from the rehearsal with OMM now... today was good! I played everything well, I came in on time, followed the conductor well... I am really starting to like orchestra. Well, in fact, I do love orchestra because I love being buried in the midst of the surround sound (the best kind) and I love being part of the music that we are creating! The only thing that has really bothered me is that so, so often, I end up dragging down the whole group because I can't play well, or my nerves overtake me, or the pedals go wrong, or something other, and the conductor glares at me which really is very stressful. I get really stressed when I play with the orchestra even though I love it... what a paradox because we usually like things that we're good in, not things we are bad in... During the ChildAid concert I performed in last year, just before going up someone said, "Have fun!" and I replied, "I only have fun when I'm not playing" which I meant as a funny comment, but was absolutely true, I love sitting and listening to others play, but when it's my turn to play I simply get so panicky that I can't enjoy it at all. But how I've always wished that I could enjoy it instead of worrying no end! I guess I really have to thank OMM and Prof Chan for giving me this chance to finally enjoy orchestral music. Maybe this is the turning point, the point where I will eventually play in the orchestra with real enjoyment. Ah we can all hope. The optimist in me is working again. She works too hard as it is.

I finally wrote a really long email to C... and in response C's personal message was changed to 'searing pain'. Sigh. Now I have to dissect everything all over again. Cover all the bases (possibilities). Try to understand 'searing pain' simply for itself, then look for more possible explanations based on comparison to C's previous comments, the personality, the expected reaction to the email I sent... Gosh I feel like a military strategist sometimes. They have to strategise until everyone in the enemy is dead. Imagine that! (sure hope that doesn't apply in my case) Sometimes I just want to grab the person, shake the person and say, "What in the freaking world is your Problem??!! Why are you so depressed???!! You shouldn't be so depressed!!!! You have a good life!!! Stop whining!!!" but to do so would suggest that I didn't understand, and well to a pretty large extent I believe I do understand. If understanding a person is like completing a puzzle, then every time I received new information from C's blog I understood more about the person. And when I compared the way C talked to me and then what I know about the person from their blog... and then it's like inner pieces that were confirmed by the corner pieces. And each time I find out more, it's adding to the puzzle. The picture seems so incomplete sometimes, and unfortunately, more often than I like, I find myself looking desperately at the corner pieces for some kind of clue, that should just occur to me. Fitting in a new piece (coming to a new understanding about the person) is painstaking work... like any other puzzle, I pick up a piece (consider a different possibility) and see if it fits, plus it must also fit with the neighbouring pieces (what I already know about the person)! Whew. I've never been really good with puzzles mainly because I didn't really have the patience for it. But now I have a mission. A mission which gives me new strength and determination to not give up.

Head is failing me. 振作点 head! (Buck up (bad translation but Google Translate's version is even worse)) Awful that every time I come back I can't think. Must be the physical exertion. Today I did it again... I moved the harp and everything else, and packed my harp on the road. Actually I'm pretty proud of myself. Me and dad managed to stuff the harp in the car, yeah, only the two of us. That's what's great. I'm still working on being able to work the 36kg harp on my own. 做个女强人！(be an Amazon) (why in the world am I saying so much chinese? Must be head's fault.

Haha. It's so interesting how I'm observing my own behaviour. I believe all people who deal in the study of the mind do experiments first and foremost on themselves. The best guinea pig there is... I mean, you're not going to sue yourself if something goes awry for you, right? :p That's an assumption. Wonder what the judge would say if he saw a case being brought to him that read something like "Person X (the plaintiff) wishes to sue Person X (the accused) for damages caused by the accused experiments on the plaintiff." Probably have a good laugh, then throw the case out of court. You're so funny, Karen.

Seriously though, I've frequently had this sort of self-observation about talking about myself to myself in the 3rd person... when I was in jc, I remember that on the day that Nambi broke up with me, I cried non-stop for 3 hours. And yet in me, there was always this part of me that was saying, "alright, that's enough, stop crying!" and at the time I wondered if all my grief was just an act. I told this to Wong Dingjie, who was comforting me at the time (I knew him because he was in the neighbouring class 32/07, was a loner like me (which was why I talked to him, I think I have interests in loners, haha :p) but friends with one of my guy friends from 32/07) and he said that he experiences it too. (I've always been very grateful for having someone who comforted me and I've never forgotten my debt to Dingjie. An act of kindness is never forgotten.) It's actually surprising how many people there are who experience it, but don't understand it. It was only when I got to Year 2 in uni when I attended Greg's class, that I finally understood what it was. It was Self 1 Self 2 (Yeah I know I mentioned this in my first post but never got round to explaining it) where Self 1 is the part of you who gives commands, and Self 2 is the part of you that actually does it. In essence, Self 1 is like the Greeks, the thinkers, and Self 2 is like the Romans, the doers. Haha. True, it is really more complicated than that, and often there are more 'selfs' than just 2, but Self 1 Self 2 does provide a good model... at least it's something I understand easily, and the first time I heard about the concept I just felt... 'Ah! So this is what has been happening to me all along'.

Currently listening specifically to "Il vecchio castello" (the old castle) from Pictures at an Exhibition. That's how I feel right now. Not completely melancholy, but filled with a kind of ... sorrow, a kind of gravity, but yet, a kind of... peace. The music is so beautiful. Actually, when I am sad, and I hear or play a sad piece... I feel my feelings dissipate with the music and I actually feel better. When I play happy music actually... it just feels like a painkiller that masks over the pain but the feelings are still there if you look. Unlike sad and/or slow pieces which give me peace. Strange... what a paradox I am.

Hmm... I keep feeling that my posts lack analysis in a way and it's slightly frustrating. But if I manage to remember the ideas that I want to analyse... I would love to analyse them, instead of always just talking about things.

I want to be free

To be free not in terms of time, but... just to be unrestricted and uninhibited.

Moving the harp both today and yesterday has made me realise that I am quite independent. Instead of asking someone to help me take things, I always take them myself unless someone else takes it for me before I know and ask for it. Even when it's heavy, I always try to do things myself unless it looks like something is going to crash if I don't get help. Strangely I find this behaviour especially weird because I have an older brother, and most females who have an older brother are usually more dependent, in a manner of speaking. I guess part of it was because my older brother was never really very nice to me when I was young, and while other older brothers would be nice to their younger sisters, mine always expected me to do things myself. And he was scary. So I did. Plus being in a girls' school when I was in sec sch really helped... especially being in the AVA club... when we had to run around all the time, carry heavy equipment, and a lot of men's work... I liked the club because it taught me how to operate sound equipment, information that I still find hugely useful today, all the more because I use them frequently nowadays in my own performances. And well, wearing the pants (i.e. doing men's work) does tend to make one independent, I guess.

Perhaps being in the AVA club and starting to know more about technology (helped in part by my friend Emma whose parents were tech people and she taught me a trick or two) and so whenever I have a problem with computers, or just setting up some things like what we do with IKEA products, I always try to solve it myself first before looking to others. If I can't solve it, I look for advice on the internet. If I still can't solve it, well the last resort has to be someone else I guess, but even then I'd try to do a big favor for them in exchange. (I've always tended to overcompensate but alright that makes me feel better about asking for help) Perhaps you could say that I have a male pride in not asking for help but I just like to think of it as being independent. Does wonders for one's creativity and resourcefulness too. Can't remember all the times when I improvised... I do that so often.

Then... moving into the NUS hostel was yet another experience. The thought that kept recurring to me during that time was, 'if you're not going to do it, nobody else will' and that was precisely true. I remember in Year 1 sem 2, I fell sick in the very first week of school (which is Very rare... I only fall sick somewhere in about once a year or so). Obviously there was nobody else around, and I told no one, including my parents. Feverish me went back to PGP to sleep, got a small towel, bought some ice from the drinks shop, put it in the freezer, then wrapped that ice in the towel and used it in the night (didn't want to use the ice in the PGP freezer because goodness knows what's been there before, ouch). It was the first time I had taken care of myself outside of school. The next day I went to see the doc at UHC (University Health Centre) and got some medicine, but by that time I didn't really need it anyway because my fever was almost completely gone. (I like my immune system). Plus, doing other more mundane tasks like cleaning your room, watering the plant, changing the bedsheets and all that... I used to clean the floor by hand which was... ouch.

I like the fact that by being independent, I can be a free spirit. Then I can do what I want to do, without having to tell anyone, or having to ask for permission. To be free from the opinion of anyone, to be able to explore however and whatever I want, or even to be unrestricted in the sense that I am not following any specific plan. Even though I love my friends, a lot of the times I am still a loner who likes to spend time alone with myself, reading books. I like walking as well and just reflecting on the nature of things. To look up at the night sky alone, seeing the constellations and feeling the weight of the universe press down upon us. Absorbing the secret power of the universe (alright I over-poeticised it). That's how I know there's someone out there waiting for us. Hard to explain my feelings, they are more instinctive rather than logical.

Actually... going to work at a budget hotel in Geylang (in the HQ, not in one of the rooms...! :p) didn't actually make me much more independent, because most of the time they made me do accounting, which was really @#$%^&* !!!! It was a real bore and it was so bad that that period of time in my life was the time when I really started to drink coffee often because otherwise the work was just so freakishly boring that I would fall asleep. I wasn't the only one though... I observed the Indonesian woman to the left cubicle (hey, bored, right? :p) and every single day without fail I'd see her nodding off because the work was just so repetitive and boring. And she was just an just an intern! Imagine doing that for the rest of your life... the ultimate nightmare. I'm so glad that I can love the job that I have, right now. Luckily for me while at work, sometimes I was allowed to call external parties for favours or stuff like that, as well as to reply to emails from sometimes grateful, but usually irate customers. You might imagine that it isn't easy, and well the calls weren't easy. Often I'd get rather stressed before making a call, because calls require split second thinking, which isn't one of my strong points, but even so it was a great experience, and I also learnt that making a mental template/script usually helps a lot. As for the letters, I actually loved it because it was actually doing something that was not repetitive and actually requires quite a bit of skill to compose a diplomatic letter. That's when I learnt to keep re-reading the stuff I write (to official places) until I'm satisfied with it. Though I wish that at the time I had this book called "How to win friends and influence people" because it just makes being diplomatic so much easier. It's practically a bible for all people (because we constantly interact and have relations with others), not just those who have to be diplomatic though. I'd strongly recommend everyone to read it.

Jon Lee borrowed that book from me yesterday because he was still depressed (from the same thing as last friday) due to some things in his interpersonal relations and he asked me to read his sms and offer comment, so I did, and then after pointing out some things I suggested that he read this book. When I lent it to him, he said, "You know, I'm starting to owe so much to you that I don't really know how to repay it..." and I said, "Well you don't ever have to repay it... you deserve it simply because you're my friend" :) I only wish that C understood. I love making people happy, or feel better when they are sad. Oh well anyways... back to the book... I actually started reading it because it was recommended by Greg, and boy, was it good! I learnt so much from it. Jonny said after reading half of it that he already knew it, but just that he wasn't thinking about it while writing his smses, to the detriment of his interpersonal relations. He's thinking of making a list to put in his wallet or somewhere so that he can read it every day and be reminded of it. Also today while taking a lift in his car I learnt more about the nature of our friendship. Because we hadn't been close much this semester, while the horns knew things about him that I didn't, so I had started to think that he had just treated me as a 'pad' during his time of need (or a term Jon introduced me to, 'emotional tampon'. Just in case you're wondering, he didn't come up with that term himself, or I would have gotten out of his car at that moment out of disgust (joking :p)) and that I wasn't really 'his kind of friend'... In other words, a person that he didn't really want to be friends with. I thought that we were drifting apart because he didn't regard me as one of his close friends, and well, 'not his kind of friend'. I actually felt a bit of tears welling up in my eyes when I told him that, which surprised me because I'd never thought that I was that hurt by it. Well, I was glad to find out that that wasn't actually the case, and that he had not said some things to me because he was worried that I would blabber (quite true) and also that he had been occupied by his other interpersonal relations. Friends really mean a lot to me and I'd do a lot to make them happy.

I guess that's part of the reason why I don't really like to make new friends... A lot of times I just want to concentrate on the friends that I have so that I can give them my fullest attention... which was actually why, in my first semester at the conservatory, I sort of withdrew and hid in the harp studio all the time until Yue Zhi and gang (including Jon Lee) actively sought me out and gradually I realised what great friends they are. Though... we usually go in a group of 4, which is the horn couple, then Jon and me, so a lot of people in school just simply assumed that since the horns are together, naturally I would be with Jon too. Well, I don't think we're a good fit for each other and on top of that I don't have that kind of feeling for him. I am very fond of him though, in the kind of affection that seems to be specialised only for my close guy friends. Hmm. I like this kind of platonic relationship.

I was talking to Jasmine through offline messages, and I was telling her about how we should learn new skills because of the law of diminishing returns... because I find that a lot of the time when we keep on concentrating on a particular skill, yes it does get better, but as time goes by, the amount in which you improve gets less and less until it effectively becomes not really worth it to work on it that much. The exception, of course, being that you are really so good with this skill and you love it so much that you think it's worthwhile to use a disproportionate amount of time to get the increases in ability that you want. Just like me playing the harp... I don't really improve that much but I think it's completely worth it because even a small improvement means a lot to me.

On an unrelated note, once I went to a masterclass, and the speaker said something like... the further you go up the ladder of perfection, the more imperfect you think you are. Because you start being able to recognise more and more imperfections in yourself, areas that you need to work on... Well true in my case I guess. I start to see more and more areas I need to work on, compared to the time when I was just playing happily on my own without worrying about this or that technique that I needed to work on.

Today's rehearsal with the OMM was good. I actually managed to play all of the notes! Though Prof Chan asked me to move to right beside the conductor... I got a major panic attack in the first of the Pictures I had to play (the piece I'm playing with the orchestra is Pictures at an Exhibition) and oh it was awkward. Plus Prof Chan was not in the best of moods because he was worried we wouldn't get enough practice before the concert, and the look he gave me when I made that stupid mistake... well for most conductors it would be considered really mild, but knowing that he is normally a very nice person... when he does that look it would be enough to strike terror into any heart. Oh alright. Maybe it's just mine. The others in the orchestra feel more relaxed normally and some even laugh sometimes. When one of the violins accidentally played my note, Prof Chan said, "Sorry, harp is over here" and the violin section chuckled. On the music level, I realise that this panic thing is affecting my playing, particularly because just before the entry I panic and then I'm thinking, "should I play? should I play? oh no I missed my entry!!" so that's basically how I got a C for my orchestra grade, haha. Also the panic thing is affecting my volume because I don't dare to play out. After the rehearsal Prof Chan told me not to be so scaredy (funny how he used that word :p). It's really frustrating though... I don't have that kind of problem during solo recital... maybe I just need to play more, which is why taking every chance to work with the OMM is so important to me... it gives me more opportunities to learn to overcome my nerves in a less threatening environment. Oh btw I can follow the conductor better now, especially when I memorise my parts. Yeah... it comes down to that. But if it has to be done, it has to be done. I'm thankful this time that the parts for Pictures is easier so I can memorise and be able to watch the conductor better. So I am hoping that, for the first time, while playing in the orchestra on my own (i.e. 1 harp only) I will be able to play well and follow the conductor well.

Gosh, I can think of so many things that went wrong all the other times when I played... Chief among them was Hindermith's Sonata for Brass, Piano and Harps... well alright I was playing with someone who was on 1st harp. During the piano solo with only harps accompanying, the she entered a beat earlier than she should have and continued. The conductor tried to help by showing 2 fingers to tell her to continue only in beat 2, but nothing happened and I started to doubt myself and wonder if the mistake was really with me... Seeing as she kept showing '2' I thought she meant "Harp 2, Harp 2" and so I changed and then it was REALLY messy. Ouch. Then the other time I made a major mess up was when I was playing Harp 2 before the interval, and then playing as the only harp after the interval. During the interval the stage crew took out the Harp 2 stand, taking my scores with it too. When I went on stage after the interval, all I had was the scores provided there, which were NOT sufficient because harpists need to make their own markings on the score because of the pedals and all that. I didn't want to go out and get them because I was afraid it would look unprofessional and that I wouldn't have enough time. Also I thought it would be okay because I'd practised the harp part so often, I memorised a lot of it. Well... augh... it was horrible... we were playing Petrushka, you see, and in the Moor's Room there was a harp solo that was "D E F G A", and because of the pedal problem I had, it became "D E F# G A", changing it from minor to major! Gosh, you should have seen... her head practically just whipped up... oww, haha.

I just looked at msn and C said in the personal message, "just get outta my face". Sigh... unfortunately it's the school holiday and when I don't have much to occupy myself with... it makes my mind roam more and somehow I keep thinking back to C and the actions of this person. I wish for the freedom in practising, the comforting solace of the music, to let my spirit fly... but one can only practise for so long before risking injury. Alas!