Earlier today, I thought I wouldn't get a chance to make my post today and somehow that thought made me really frustrated. I think it's not actually making the post itself, but more that my internet access is restricted because of the mio tv thing. I was already making my plans on how to get internet in another manner... I used to use the computer in the darkness in our living room when I was in jc and before I went to uni... that was how my astigmatism went up by a lot because I was using it in the dark because my parents didn't let me use the computer but luckily I almost don't have to resort to that any more, except today (at least I thought) because of the restricted internet. Though I know that it's the best thing for everyone if my dad and older bro got to watch their mio tv, it does still get on my nerves.
I wonder how much everyone is holding back inside. When we see something that we are unhappy about, most of us don't express it, and that's usually for the best because oftentimes, silence is actually a better policy than honesty. But if we all hold back things... how many secrets do we hold then? I think of myself and how many secrets I hold... I have many friends, many of them really close friends, but I can't really say that any of them actually know everything about me. After knowing me for 2 years, one of my friends said that he still doesn't understand me. But but... I want to be understood. I want to say everything to someone, maybe not everyone, but at least someone, but yet, nobody I'm close to is someone that I would say everything to. Maybe writing things down is a start.
Another thing is that I believe is that I have become reliant on writing as a way to process my thoughts. I feel as if my ability to think is debilitated when I don't get to write things down, like on the days when I have to make short posts because of the mio tv.
I am feeling so frustrated that I’m nearly going out of my skull. One part of it is anxiety but the vast part of it is really about this feeling of sian-ness (ennui) that I often associate with my periods of demophobia when I really don’t want to talk to anybody at all. And yet this seems to be the opposite… the fear of not being able to communicate. So I feel this feeling whenever I I’ve been getting too much socialization, or too little? There is still so much that I don’t understand about myself. Yes I have come a long way since the arbitrary flare-ups that led to the end of my first relationship, but even then I need to know my own reactions to things before I can truly make rational decisions. Why is it not coming to me?
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I heard from one of my juniors the other day that one of the Section Leaders (SLs) after me made a comment to the section that I had not been a good SL. Actually I was a lot more surprised that my junior was a lot more angry about it than I was, her rationale being that you don't criticise your predecessors, especially to people who don't know me and may have the wrong impression of me. Well, I wasn't mad at all, just raised my eyebrow and said mildly, "Oh, really." and I was thinking back to the time when I was SL. I do remember that I was a poor SL in so many different ways. I could give the excuse about how messed up I was at the time because of the breakup of my first relationship. But suffering is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and if they wish to dislike me, I would humbly accept it. After all, I know exactly what I did and did not do as SL, and truly... if they didn't dislike me at the end of my tenure I should be extremely thankful.
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