Harpy harpy harpy

Today was Gulia's lesson. I woke up early in order to finish my HA in good time, then I rushed through my warmup and did a lot of work on the La Source. It paid off, apparently, because she seemed quite pleased and said that my fingers are a lot more strong now. Of course, while I was practising before the lesson, I played it so much, so slowly and so strongly that by the time I got to my lesson, I was pretty tired, and she said that when I play the loud sections, my fingers get very uneven. Haha. So now the key is to train up that stamina by playing it every single day. The technique benefits are certainly an added bonus! It's like my training on the Bach-Grandjany Etude No. 1 (actually the Presto, 4th movt, from Bach's Violin Sonata No. 1 in G minor) which hugely increased my strength in my 1st 3 fingers, but now with the La Source which works all 4 fingers, it's even better.

I've always suspected that the 4th finger is weak. To be sure, not as weak as the 3rd finger, but still pretty weak compared to the 2nd and 1st (the thumb). The 3rd finger is really weak thoug, I have to admit... most of the time it's disguised because in most situations the 2nd and/or 4th finger can compensate for the 3rd's weakness, especially in the way that I was previously playing my warmups: it can sound fine if you don't do the exercises that expose its weakness, which was why I was always mystified whenever Gulia said that my 3rd finger was weak, because I couldn't see the weakness! Even up to recently I didn't think that my 3rd finger needed much work, until the prospective student inquired about lessons... Because if I'm going to be a teacher, I will have to look at all the beginner's exercises and all that, which was when I discovered that some books advocate using so and so exercises that when I tried the aforementioned exercises I realised that, it's really true that my 3rd finger is weak! Lol.

Other than that I didn't do much, except look through the Clair de Lune that I'm playing Harp 2 for as part of a duet. My part is a lot harder than Huang Yin's, okay! But I think it's do-able lah... just sit there for one whole day of intensive practise and it should be down pat, but it's the finding of time to do that that's the problem... No matter. I'm sure I can find time next week after I move to hostel and I once again have access to the harp studio! Whee! Can't wait to get back to school!

Oh, in a piece of good news... my teacher said that she will be recommending me to go to the Aspen music festival (but not confirmed at all that I will be going...) where I'll be able to learn with Her teacher, Nancy Allen! Coolness. She also recommended some places which I should research if I want to go for my Masters... Juilliard will be Nancy Allen of course, but meh... I seriously doubt I can get in, unless I learn another 4 years starting again with their Bachelor's degree like Gulia! Not my favorite option but possible. There's also Indiana, with Susann McDonald, and Gulia added, 'but I don't know if you want to go there, she's really old' (lol! what a thing to say!) as well as Toronto with Judy Loman (I have one of her CDs, she's apparently into 20th century music, hmm... I didn't actually mention SF conservatory though... I should probably ask her about Eastman, I see some graduate school rankings which rank it highly. She has something against Peabody though! Haha. Well I'll do some research and get back to her again :)

Strange dreams

Argh... I dreamt of C... who sort of confronted me in my home and revealed to me that the reason for ignoring me was because of a lack of confidence in physical looks. In between there was some book that C changed the words of to make mockery of those who judge others based on looks. I woke up and I laughed inwardly because that reason for ignoring me was just so... implausible. Luckily for my sanity, I promptly went back to sleep again and had another dream about touring an old castle as part of a tour group. It seemed like a kind of school-organised overseas trip though, because everybody was young. Ah. Dreams. I have so many strange ones.

Organ Debut!

That's what Jon Lee calls it: my organ debut. Haha. Too nice a term I think! The reality is a lot more mundane. All I did was that I played the organ at Mass for the first time. Actually I hadn't even started thinking seriously about it until Jon Lee used that term in his last sms to me before flying to Japan. Luckily he did, or I might have turned up for this morning's Mass mentally unprepared!

The playing itself was mostly okay, though at the Lamb of God part I didn't really watch the choir, the choir didn't really watch me, and I started out too early and the choir didn't know and I went on but the choir didn't join in and I had to abandon the whole enterprise and just start over. Didn't see the look on Fr's face and privately I'm glad I didn't have the chance to so that I won't think too much about it, lol. I do have a lot to be thankful though, the other Mass parts came out perfectly fine, though I still have to tweak the Alleluia and the 2nd half of the Lamb of God because I'm trying to play the melody all the time, which restricts my artistic freedom to do whatever I want to do on the right hand.

When I was playing the Mass parts today though, I couldn't help but be thankful to Yuezhi. When Yuezhi's group was doing their music history presentation, they discovered a method of recalling the 5 movements in the Mass which is completely invaluable for any Mass organist. Basically, it's this cute mnemonic that goes "Kids Go Crazy Singing All Day" which stands for Kyrie (Lord have mercy), Gloria (Glory to God in the Highest), Credo (The Creed), Santus (Holy, holy, holy) and lastly Agnus Dei (Lamb of God) (boy, do I love being able to read some Latin!)

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Later on in the night, I went for Kimmy's (alright Kimberly) concert. It was... well the 1st half was rather objectionable but the 2nd half fairly rescued it, in fact, it was quite fun and you could see the musicians having fun, for some of the songs at least. You could say that they warmed up after the 1st half and did better for the 2nd. Some of the solos were pretty commendable as well, though some had a serious attack of the nerves, which is perfectly excusable because I do that ALL THE TIME in orchestra. The group, as in the band members themselves were pretty much okay. I had a real issue with the conductor though. After learning that he was from the SAF band (some of the scores that the NP band has even has 'Property of the Singapore Armed Forces band' clearly stamped on it!) I had to roll my eyes and say 'no wonder'. It's not so much that they have no talent (alright, I can't really tell because I was never part of them), but rather that they get complacent and don't practise and everything pretty much goes down from there.

But the conductor himself, really... there were so many parts when he could have accentuated this or that part, or just created more effect or otherwise kept a better hold on the tuning (the tuning! my goodness! they tune after every song but the issue isn't the instruments going out of tune, it's the people themselves, they don't know how to tune...!) by carrying out exercises that will develop their listening ability. Because the tuning of the entire group depends on the ears of each and every member in the group (when my mom played the flute in band she said that she always slid the mouthpiece completely in, she was tone deaf so she couldn't tell that she was out of tune, which I don't believe she was really tone deaf, read below), you Have to increase the listening ability of the group as a whole, or else just one renegade member can ruin the whole effect. Neither is it a waste of time to carry out such exercises in the belief that 'some people can't be helped, they are just tone deaf.'

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Personally, after going through 11 years of some of the top choirs of the primary, secondary and jc level, plus more exposure to intonation and hearing in the conservatory and also interaction with members in the church choir with no musical background, I am firmly convinced that nobody is really tone deaf. Even the most tone deaf members in the choir, after a few months she was singing fine. It all depends on how you train your ears. This is a view that both me and Tony (my favorite teacher) hold: with enough training, nobody is truly tone deaf.

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Umm... after the sidetrack, back to Kimmy's concert. I went for her concert because well, I Am still supposed to be mentoring her (me! mentor her! goodness me! luckily she doesn't know that Colin secretly asked me to mentor her, or else I think she would be judging me a lot more differently or even harshly, instead of seeing me as a friend) but more importantly, because she's a friend. Yep, I go for friend's concerts now though I frequently avoid them in the past... with my new-found appreciation for relationships in general, I put more effort into maintaining friendships beyond those with friends at school whom I see every day. It's definitely paying off, cos when I first talked to Kimmy about my C problem she offered me a lot of advice (okay I don't know how much of it actually was useful, lol) and honestly I was quite a wreck and she helped me so much, so we became much closer because of that incident. If there's nothing else that I'm thankful to C for, at least C has brought me closer to a friend that I was not so close to to begin with. So all's good. 塞翁失马，焉知非福. (Something that seems good at first may not actually be good, conversely, something that seems bad may not always be bad.)

Speaking of concerts, I'm going for Zongyi's hiphop dance concert too! She gave us a sneak preview the other day and gosh, does she dance well! After being satisfied with my abilities in my 'supplementary' skills of piano and voice, I've always been looking for the next skill to develop, and I seriously think that I should go into dance. ZY's recommending hiphop, of course, but also because hiphop isolates every single part of the body (I've seen it and it's true!) I'm still undecided about which type of dance to learn though.

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C's active in their CCA... recently even set up some facebook page for their CCA, together with another person. It's always good to take the initiative in any organisation or even organising outings with friends etc, but it sometimes can get a bit unfair if the only people who become leaders are those who show enthusiasm and initiative. Of course, this IS part of what makes a good leader and every leader Should have it, but it is just as equally important to look at their other aspects.

1. It is possible that they are just doing it temporarily to get the post or get attention to their leadership potential instead of a genuine wish to see the group improve. We have to look at the sincerity of their intention.
2. Or they may simply not be suited for leadership. I know more than one student leader who always took the initiative and was full of enthusiasm and drive, but unfortunately they were just unable to lead. There were also others who simply couldn't cope academically after becoming a student leader and they had to be stripped of the post (highly unpalatable for all parties involved).
3. Others just want to help other people without true leadership ambition but they just get saddled with the post when other people say 'oh you're so involved and you are so capable, you should run for the leadership post etc etc' and to be honest, this happens in more than one instance. Like me with the organ thing. Everyone tells me 'oh you learnt music for so many years and you're from yong siew toh so you should go be the organist!'. It gets me all tied up in a knot because the position of organist is essentially a position of power and leadership as they are probably the most vital people in the choir. As for myself though, I'm not sure I'll even be a good organist because I'm worried that I won't have the time necessary to devote to organ playing, plus I am intending to stay 7 days a week at the hostel in my 4th year (to simulate a real overseas situation when one can't come back home at all) which means that I will only end up playing 1 year and then disappearing for another 1 year and possibly then even 2 more years if I do my masters. Then they spend so much time training me and I just poof off to somewhere, I don't think it's quite fair, somehow... :S (alright, if you think two lessons are a lot of time, lol...)

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Blah. My potential harp student wrote me a long email again. I wrote him a long email yesterday night and he replies emails so quickly! And it seems to take forever for me to write him back and I feel bad about it which makes me end up wanting to delay it further and oh gosh... sometimes I really have to force myself to do the things that I don't like. Sometimes it helps if I think of every problem as a new piece... Every piece when starting, doesn't sound good because you are learning the notes and going at a slow pace, but at that point you just have to suck it up and work on it, and then enjoy the fruits later.

This prospective student is really an interesting person though. As he is a pianist (took LTCL a few years ago) I told him that playing the harp would improve on his technique. He wrote back and asked how it would improve piano technique. Lol. Testing me on my knowledge! I wrote him back in this manner:

"To understand how harp playing can help piano technique, we have to first understand that technique is about the finger muscles.

1. In gym equipment parlance, the harp has a much greater 'resistance' than the piano with the heaviest touch so it forces the fingers to work harder and lift heavier 'weights', which strengthens them.
2. Also, the way in which pianists and harpists produce sound with our fingers is similar, in that when we press a key on the piano we are essentially bending our finger, going towards our palm. On the harp, we produce sounds by making the similar movement of bending of the finger towards the palm, but we go further and our fingers end up hitting the palm instead of the movement being stopped by the piano keys, i.e. the movement is greater and you develop more finger strength by making the entire movement instead of the halfway movement on the piano."

He wrote back and said, "Your scientific analysis of harp versus piano playing makes good sense!" Ha, well duh :P After learning more about harp technique from Gulia and that finger muscles are much like any other muscle in the body, I started going into forums for athletes and such to investigate how they increase strength, as well as some of their other routines like how they deal with pain and fatigue, avoid injury, etc.

In this aspect, a musician is just like any athlete: we are constantly dependent on our muscles to create music, and we even get musician specific injuries (for example my wrist is hurting now, argh!) with percussion players getting the most injuries (for the rest of us, we use each finger in turn, but for percussionists, they only have 2 wrists to work with, and they keep on using that joint all the time!). Others would be violin and piano players because they spend so much time in that contorted position. Personally, I think, 'so other instruments don't have that problem meh?' You mean that it's a natural, uncontorted position when harpists lift up their arms completely horizontal to play? When horn players hold up that heavy horn for the duration of their practice? Thus, I think, actually, that the reason why violinists and pianists have the most problems is because they practise the most: the competition is the most fierce, plus, the nature of their instrument means that they can indeed practise for hours on end without feeling any immediate and strong ill effects, and only feel the consequences later on. It's different for wind/brass players because they use their entire body to play and they get tired more easily, especially brass players who must rest their lip muscles.

Wow, you know really, it's really not easy to be a wind/brass player. They can't even smile while enjoying the music they play, because smiling would hugely modify their embouchure, becoming detrimental to their playing. I think that must be one of the greatest sacrifices. I think of myself and oh, how can I possibly play and not smile? That would take away so much of the enjoyment, not to mention that the very act of making the facial expression in turn intensifies the emotion that created the facial expression in the first place! It's like me laughing... often, after a while, I'm not actually laughing because of the funny thing any more, but because I was just laughing and it just goes on and on... :)

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Hmm... oops. While I was writing this post, I didn't realise that one person whom I was talking to had gone offline and the other conversation I was in (which was a group conversation with 3 people including me) the other two were just talking to each other without really knowing that I wasn't looking, haha oops. Gosh, I guess that's my problem when I concentrate... I end up blocking out everything else. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a useful skill... most of the time that is. I get to practise harp as much as I want before I even notice the time passing! Specifically for writing though, I block out everything else so that the ideas that I have don't get lost, because most of the time when I'm typing in my idea, more ideas form and I have to get them down as fast as I can. Sometimes they are more elusive than catching dreams or butterflies...

Songs of the soul

I haven't been writing much recently. It's mostly been bits and pieces, some of which are still in drafts stage because I didn't write much and got distracted by something later on. Yeah I've broken the rhythm and now I have to get back to it... hard to before because I've been incurring a constant sleep debt for the past week and I suspect that I might be developing some sleep problems... Some people in the conservatory already have sleep problems even though they always slept normally before... don't want to be the next one.

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I've been practising my Mass parts and I think I'm ready to play on sunday. Yeah!

While flipping through our Baking Bread hymnal, I also discovered this song, called 'The Summons' which has some meaningful lyrics. The music is great too and I did some improvisation to it which, not to praise myself, I think sounds rather pretty. Maybe I'll get to play it in Mass sometime.

Will you come and follow me, if I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know, and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known?

Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind, if I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind, and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare? Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer pray'r in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see, if I but call your name?

Will you set the pris'ners free, and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the 'you' you hide, if I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found, to reshape the world around?

Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true, when you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you, and never be the same.

In your company I'll go, where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and grow in you and you in me.

The question marks places the onus on us: 'Will you'? We have heard the Word of God and now is the time to respond to it.

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For all its prettiness and meaning though, 'The Summons' cannot possibly compare to two songs that I heard recently...

I was on youtube looking for videos to send my prospective harp student (he seems a real music enthusiast, could be fun) and while looking at my favorites, I rediscovered 'Salve Regina', a piece that I had sung as a member of a girls' choir. I'd loved it then, the mixing harmonies, the gravity contained within it, like a planet whose stately motion we could never hope to shake. I was actually thinking about the Salve Regina a few days ago because I'd gone to school on Monday to help Kimmy with her project (she had to interview university students), therefore on the way passing by Clementi station which made me think of part of the words in Salve Regina: "O clemens, O pia, O dulcis virgo". I believe Salve Regina was the first Latin song I ever sang, and that was my first exposure to Latin, one of the most beautiful languages ever spoken (thus my interest in learning Italian, the successor of Latin). When I sing Salve Regina to myself, I still smile. It was wretchedly difficult for a sop (of sec sch level) because it reached so high, and the conductor 'eliminated' something like more than half the Sop 1 population who couldn't hit those notes. Luckily I wasn't 'eliminated', so I got to sing the part and... oh, the intervals... the major 2nds, that clash so mystically (the same as in the opening of Eric Whitacre's 'Water Night')...

We sang the song in Hawaii when we went to compete there for the Pacific Basin Music Festival. While waiting for our turn to perform in front of the judges, we had a little warm up outdoors, outside the venue. We sang Salve Regina and when we had finished, this man came up (he was dragging a dustbin along) and said to the conductor, "You sing like angels!" (in an american accent) and then gave Ms Chye (our conductor) a US$20. Cool, lol. I never knew how much this music could touch hearts because, as someone who performs the piece, you get stressed out by your conductor and you've practised so many times that you know where the mistakes lie and the magic is lost, but to someone who hears it for the first time... It is indeed like a glimpse of heaven and the choirs of angels.

I was like someone who glimpsed heaven when I listened to another song by the same choir. I'd noticed that there were links from the video of Salve Regina to other songs sung by the same choir (that choir seems like one of the, if not the best, in Hungary and definitely a world-class choir) so I clicked and listened to the others available. That's when I discovered Franz Biebl's 'Ave Maria'.

I showed it to Silvano who said "Ah yes, that's Franz Biebl's Ave Maria. Very beautiful piece." I'm not sure if ' very beautiful piece' fully justifies it. That piece is truly magical, with its soaring voices, and beautiful harmonies that can only be brought about by a choir that is strong in ALL sections, and they have it! The composer and the performer comes together to create not just art, but magic. It's incredible: every single voice in the harmony is just so balanced and it's so... ethereal... Especially the anchoring of the chord at 0.36, 1.18 and 2.50, and my heart feels an extreme twinge... and then the music goes up and up... Like the music was gathering all the happiness and voices of praise on the earth, and lifting them up to Heaven... I can't describe the tremors in my heart when that high note is reached... there is a kind of squeezing and yet an uncontrollable tremble. Sigh... that song makes one want to fall on one's knees in prayer... It's almost as good as falling in love.

That music touched my soul.

Soulmate

If there was only one person in the world who could give you happiness, wouldn't you give everything up to be with them? And wouldn't you try to be the best person you can for them, just because they are worth it?

Colin has been trying to push me in the direction of Jon Lee, saying that Jon would be a good match for me, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's not going to work. Our attitudes towards love are different. When I am with someone, I pull out all the stops and put in all my effort to make it work. There is scarcely anything more important than he. My entire 24 hours are geared towards this single person, and even my ambitions and future life goals revolve around this person. Honestly I can't say the same for Jon Lee. His ex went to Eastmond and well Jon also qualified, but because he didn't get a scholarship (while getting one from YST), he decided to go to YST instead. Now, I really respect that he was trying to help his parents save money, but for him it was a clear cut choice. I know that if it were me, I would have tried so hard to be at Eastmond just to be with the one I love, but well, for Jon... while he is seeking for a soulmate, the love of one person does not take up everything in his soul. That is the crucial difference.

Colin says that Jon's views are merely the milder version of mine. That may be, but I can't help thinking, though, that if a couple does not share the same attitude towards love and romance, their approach towards it will also be different. The relationship is valued differently. One party is going to end up being a lot more clingy and the other party will feel stifled, and well, the difference is going to make a difference. I remember that in my previous relationship, there was a point when my ex started to value the relationship differently from me and that's when all the trouble started. I'm especially concerned about whether the other party is able to handle it because I know that I do get a bit too obsessive over the person and I freely admit it. Over the last 3 years I have indeed changed, but I'm still not sure if I can moderate my tendency towards obsession. Over the holidays I have been forced to admit that to a large extent the obsessiveness is still present. And until I know that my obsessive tendencies are fully under control, or that the other person is able to match up to my level of intensity in a relationship, the relationship will already be compromised from the start. If I can already see that it's not going to work, no way will I be getting into a relationship. In the arena of love, 老娘是不做亏本生意的 (this woman does not go into a losing business)

In any case, I suppose my attitude towards relationships is already kinda scary for most guys, because when I get into a relationship, I see the future. I see marriage down the road and all the rest of it. Dating isn't my thing because I'm not looking to just try out every male around to see if it works. I'm looking for someone who fulfills my mental criteria, but yet at the same time, if he is my soulmate, I should also fulfill his (otherwise how can it be called a soulmate, right?). Not to mention that most important connection between the two of us. I don't want to get into a relationship, blunder around for years, clinging to each other out of security, only to finally admit that we are not suited for each other.

There is so much preparation and groundwork that has to be done before even getting into a relationship, because, if love is a gunfight, I shoot to kill. I may be giggling and not serious a lot of the time, but for me, love is always deadly serious.

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Gosh, I'm still aching all over... shouldn't have pushed myself that hard yesterday... lol. Currently listening to Ievan Polkka, a song which is completely addictive! It's sung by Vocaloid, a computer singing program that makes it sound slightly robotic on one hand but also completely cute on the other! Not to mention that it never has problems with vocal range, haha. It's so catchy! I was singing this to myself in the shower and trying to go at the actual speed while trying to get the intonation right, but switching between the major and minor triad is much harder than I thought... bah. The song is so fun to sing though, that one can't help but smile and be uplifted.

Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla barits tad dillan deh lando.
Aba rippadta parip parii ba ribi, ribi, ribiriz den teahlando,
La barillaz dillan deiallou ara va reve reve revydyv dyvjavuo
Bariz dah l'llavz dei lando dabaoke dagae gadae due due dei ia do
Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla barits tad dillan deh lando.
Aba rippadta parip parii ba ribi, ribi, ribiriz den teahlando,
La barillaz dillan deiallou ara va reve reve revydyv dyvjavuo
Bariz dah l'llavz dei lando dabaoke dagae gadae due due dei ia do

Arattzattza ya ribiraririn raba rittan rindam denrandu
Waba rittatta parippari pariri ribiribi risutan denrandu
Yaba rindan tenran deiaroo waraba dubudubudubu deiebu
Ra rittan dinran denrandu tatatataduuduu deiabuu
Arattzattza ya ribiraririn raba rittan rindam denrandu
Waba rittatta parippari pariri ribiribi risutan denrandu
Yaba rindan tenran deiaroo waraba dubudubudubu deiebu
Ra rittan dinran denrandu tatatataduuduu deiabuu

If you look at the lyrics, most of the consonants are very percussive and that's part of what makes it so fun!

Artemis...

Today I started my day with exercise. Then on the way back, I saw somebody selling muruku, and so I bought a packet... I've been trying to look for somebody else who sells as good a muruku as they sell in this shop just next to CTK (Christ the King church) but I've tried something like over 5 types of muruku now and none of them actually come close, they have too much spice or are too tough to chew... or just something else that is not right. This is something that both me and my younger bro completely agree on... we haven't found any muruku Anywhere that can match up to the one near CTK... and every time that I do go to the place I always end up buying at least 3 packets, because even if I don't eat them, we do keep them for a later time. Muruku is by far our favorite snack, haha. Speaking of which I think my bro stole my muruku... >:( I can't find it anywhere...

After I came back, I talked to Jasmine a little, then took a nap and then cycled to the photo shop in Sgn North Ave 1 that is near both our houses and picked up the poster that I had framed (framed, not scapegoated, mind...). I have to keep it in the wrapping paper til we move house though. Not much point putting up the picture because it will just end up creating a hole in the wall that we have to patch up later before we sell the house... so not worth it. I really like the picture though... an angel with the lute... 11-stringed lute. I'm going to put it in the harp room when we move :D

"Angel with Lute", part of a fresco painted by Melozzo da Forli (1438-1494) (Melozzo from 'Forli', they didn't have surnames back in the 15th century so they used the name of the place they were from, for example Leonardo da Vinci is basically Leonardo from 'Vinci')

Speaking of harps, I've been thinking of a lot of different names for my harp. Right now I'm favoring Artemis, you can read about her here (yes, I finally got back to recalling my html) I like the name because it's the name of the goddess who was also a huntress... a woman who is both strong and beautiful. I was looking on the internet and I found this picture... (hmm... she is left-handed? haha) When I was about 11 or so I first glimpsed this picture (actually a completed jigsaw puzzle) in my aunt's office, with the curve of the bow fitted snugly into the curve of the crescent moon... I loved it at once but I never knew which goddess it was... I had no idea it was even a goddess and not some fairy... Only when I learnt more about greek mythology did I find out that it's Artemis (thank you wikipedia) so I think that it would be fitting to call my harp after a greek goddess depicted in a picture that I've always loved. And, well, her association with the moon and by extension, astronomy... what can I say? It's a great name. Some previous names I considered included Cantate and Caritas.

I don't understand why every single day I'm just so completely exhausted... sometimes I know it's because I do some stuff, but surely not every single day? Or maybe it's just because when I'm not tired I end up staying up until I do get tired?

The seed that fell on thorny ground...

I sat beside Colin for Mass today. I learnt quite a bit more about which music goes where exactly and I realised that I don't know my Mass parts sufficiently yet!

Then I went to grandma's house for dinner, then went back and practised the CPE again... I think I'm obsessed with it, haha. It's just... compelling. And each day I just want to uncover the treasure more and more... really helps that the movement that I'm doing is light and fast, so I can sort of dance with my head to the music. I realise that I really like to dance to the music while at choir prac today because I just couldn't keep my limbs from moving, it just... went. Especially when Colin made the music more dance-like... I really want to learn dance. To finally let my bodily expressions have a directed outlet... or else actually I feel a little silly sometimes, haha.

Colin wants me to have my Mass parts ready by next next week! I told him I wasn't quite ready for next week especially because I'm going to have lesson with Gulia on the 18th... bleah. CPE's kinda ready to go but the others are still... I'm actually worried about the La Source. Spohr is do-able, just needs to be more... drillish. Oh, incredible english I have :p

Then at night, we went out for my godfather's birthday dinner, and he said that he's going to give me something generous for my birthday. Nice uncle, haha. Then I also talked to my aunt who suggested that I learn about investing in stocks from my grandma. Hehe. Well, if you go down one path and it doesn't work, go back and try the other. Crossroads aren't always final...

I haven't talked about my faith for some time. Above all I always try not to be pushy, so tell me if I'm getting too much so, and I'll scale back. The other time when Gulia asked me the other time whether I was religious and I said yes, she was shocked and had a sort of guarded look, so I had to say that I'm not the pushy kind of Christian. Which is true. Having experienced pushy religious people, I know how irritating it can get, especially when people quote verses from a book that the other Doesn't read! (i.e., the Bible) Well anyways... going back to the original point... I feel as if I'm being sorely tested in my faith right now. Today's reading was about the parable of the sower:

Once there was a man who went out to sow grain. As he scattered the seed in the field, some of it fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some of it fell on rocky ground, where there was little soil. The seeds soon sprouted, because the soil wasn't deep. But when the sun came up, it burned the young plants and because the roots had not grown deep enough, the plants soon dried up. Some of the seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. But some seeds fell in good soil, and the plants bore grain: some had one hundred grains, others sixty, and others thirty. Listen then, and learn what the parable of the sower means. Those who hear the message about the Kingdom but do not understand it are like the seeds that fell along the path. The Evil One comes and snatches away what was sown in them. The seeds that fell on rocky ground stand for those who receive the message gladly as soon as they hear it. But it does not sink deep into them, and they don't last long. So when trouble or persecution comes because of the message, they give up at once. The seeds that fell among thorns stand for those who hear the message; but the worries about this life and the love for riches choke the message, and they don't bear fruit. And the seeds sown in the good soil stand for those who hear the message and understand it: they bear fruit.

The Word seems to have fallen on thorny ground of my heart... it once was strong and thriving, but now it seems like the world is slowly taking over. It's so easy to say we're just busy. At the same time I see so many other people also being the thorny ground... How can we change? It's been some time since I was intensely inspired by God, because I was not seeking for Him. I know that for my part, I have been spiritually damaged by some things that have happened as well as some things that I have done, and my soul is still in the process of recovery. At least being in the choir maintains my emotional connection, no matter how frail it may be. On the intellectual level I do know everything, but now I lack the emotional connection. It's time to consciously set aside time for God each day instead of just at the 'normal' prayer times.

Relationships are like plants. You have to water them regularly or they'll die.

Getting out of the rat race

I practised quite a bit today, and it was quite a gleeful thing when I saw how much progress I had made. I managed to learn another page of CPE plus get the 2 pages before that up to speed, so that made me pretty happy :D

I also napped, and played some mindless games which I personally suspect are partly to blame for me not thinking much these few days. Strangely my mind is the most active when I'm practising, when my mind tends to wander. When I paying attention though, I get so amazed at CPE's wonderful creation, it's just... incredible to go through the keys and see the little paths that the music takes... it's not just beautiful on the aesthetic level but also engages the mind on the intellectual level. Just like the works of his father Bach. Simply bliss condensed on paper.

Some discussions that I had with some of my friends made me realise that I need to learn investing myself. Time to learn from my uncle I guess... I find it disturbing that my parents refuse to teach me anything for fear that I will lose everything. Well, neither do I want to lose everything, which is why I'm asking them for guidance, right? I think I should talk to them seriously about it, and soon. I've been asking them about investing since J2 and they've never believed in me. Well, since they let me have the contact lenses, I guess I could try for the investment, they are reasonable people after all.

A peaceful day mostly

I unpaused my Human-Age characters today. When I did so, I started wondering if it was the right thing to do. It's pretty... time-consuming, and I had big plans for what to do with my free time...

In between of being tired of practising harp, I've managed to practise my piano pieces to a level I'm satisfied with, so I'm going on to try a Nocturne of Chopin's, as well as to start learning the 3rd prelude of WTC, the C# major! I haven't actually looked at the fugue for that, but the prelude is pretty awesome as it is. After that I really liked this fugue somewhere... I know it's in Book 1 of the WTC so I guess I just have to look for it. Yep... imslp confirms that it's Fugue VIII, Eb minor. Yeah!

Also, I cycled to Serangoon North to go jogging (well, brisk walking) with Jasmine. Took a shortcut from Gardens to Srgn N even though I had absolutely no idea which way to go. Then again I usually just use my sixth sense to figure out where to go, and most of the time I'm right. Anyway, Jasmine and I ended up going to the Japanese Cemetary, which was within walking distance. There, we saw a bunny!! Instead of jogging we ended up chasing a bunny. Haha. Well it was sooooooooo cute, and Jasmine took a lot of pictures. In case you're wondering, we did get some exercise in after, plus a lot of talking. Then, it started to rain, so I couldn't cycle back, so we had dinner in the area. We had awesome dumpling noodles! Was a really good deal because there were 4 large dumplings and the noodle portion was pretty generous too. Only thing was that I was a little stuffed after that.

Then I met Marcus Tay (flute senior, just graduated from YST) and he had.... wow... changed a lot. I thought he was staying at the Serangoon North area, but it turned out that he was just teaching there. Wonder what his plans are right now. Probably nothing much yet.

After the rain I finally managed to cycle back. Then I watched the premiere of HP7 online. I'm not really a HP fan, so I just left the sound on while I pottered about (pun intended) doing my stuff. The interviews of the stars got a little repetitive after a while though, they were mostly saying the same things.

Yay, managed to improve finger agility today. It feels a little tight though, I think I need to increase the intensity more gradually. Anyways it's been a long day, so time for bed *yawn*

Saturday...

Today I did nothing but spend hours and hours typing out a 3500+ word email. Yeah, rather hard to believe I actually have so much to say. I would rather much have called him, but after what happened yesterday I decided to sms him before I actually called him. I asked if he would mind if I called him and he said, 'Yes. Just stop bugging me." but in the end I still called him anyway. He didn't pick up. I was distressed and Colin told me to just go to sleep.

Any dream will do

Today I got my contacts. They were fairly itchy though, I have no idea whether I'm simply not suited to them, or I am simply not suited for contacts. Also my depth perception is a little skewed. Well, I'm not going to wear them every day anyway, so it should be fine.

Well it's Friday today so there was choir prac. I was not feeling really great about going, but I'm glad I went, because I got to talk to Kimmy (well, Kimberly) and we had a really long chat.

When Kimmy and I finally parted (because they had to lock up the church), I ran all the way back from church. At first I had started running to keep up with Colin who was on a bike. Yeah, a bike. Haha. But after Colin turned left to go back home and I turned right, I just kept on running. I don't know why. Perhaps it was just that I didn't want to lose the momentum that I had built up. Part of me actually wanted to see how good or bad my stamina was... I haven't jogged/ran seriously for quite a long time, because of the recurring knee and ankle pain, so I've been cycling instead. I needn't have worried about my stamina, because it's still intact: I ran 1 km (well that was the distance from church to my home) without stopping or feeling tired. I guess all that cycling up the hill training has really helped keep me in shape in some way, haha. After I got home I did get ankle pain though, so probably not good to do this kinda thing too often. I know, though, that part of the allure of running, that I guess all runners feel, is this feeling of liberation and a sort of power, especially when you go past other people and your mind goes, 'haha slowpoke!' and you feel like the king of the world or something.

After I got home, I chatted a little more to Kimmy and oh man... she kept telling me not to cry. This is so embarrassing. I had resolved to say everything to him that night, but when I called him, he said, 'I was sleeping.", three words that made me freeze up.

Far far away...

Some one was weeping,

But the world was sleeping.

Any dream will do.

And so I haven't said it yet.