Harpy harpy harpy

Today was Gulia's lesson. I woke up early in order to finish my HA in good time, then I rushed through my warmup and did a lot of work on the La Source. It paid off, apparently, because she seemed quite pleased and said that my fingers are a lot more strong now. Of course, while I was practising before the lesson, I played it so much, so slowly and so strongly that by the time I got to my lesson, I was pretty tired, and she said that when I play the loud sections, my fingers get very uneven. Haha. So now the key is to train up that stamina by playing it every single day. The technique benefits are certainly an added bonus! It's like my training on the Bach-Grandjany Etude No. 1 (actually the Presto, 4th movt, from Bach's Violin Sonata No. 1 in G minor) which hugely increased my strength in my 1st 3 fingers, but now with the La Source which works all 4 fingers, it's even better.

I've always suspected that the 4th finger is weak. To be sure, not as weak as the 3rd finger, but still pretty weak compared to the 2nd and 1st (the thumb). The 3rd finger is really weak thoug, I have to admit... most of the time it's disguised because in most situations the 2nd and/or 4th finger can compensate for the 3rd's weakness, especially in the way that I was previously playing my warmups: it can sound fine if you don't do the exercises that expose its weakness, which was why I was always mystified whenever Gulia said that my 3rd finger was weak, because I couldn't see the weakness! Even up to recently I didn't think that my 3rd finger needed much work, until the prospective student inquired about lessons... Because if I'm going to be a teacher, I will have to look at all the beginner's exercises and all that, which was when I discovered that some books advocate using so and so exercises that when I tried the aforementioned exercises I realised that, it's really true that my 3rd finger is weak! Lol.

Other than that I didn't do much, except look through the Clair de Lune that I'm playing Harp 2 for as part of a duet. My part is a lot harder than Huang Yin's, okay! But I think it's do-able lah... just sit there for one whole day of intensive practise and it should be down pat, but it's the finding of time to do that that's the problem... No matter. I'm sure I can find time next week after I move to hostel and I once again have access to the harp studio! Whee! Can't wait to get back to school!

Oh, in a piece of good news... my teacher said that she will be recommending me to go to the Aspen music festival (but not confirmed at all that I will be going...) where I'll be able to learn with Her teacher, Nancy Allen! Coolness. She also recommended some places which I should research if I want to go for my Masters... Juilliard will be Nancy Allen of course, but meh... I seriously doubt I can get in, unless I learn another 4 years starting again with their Bachelor's degree like Gulia! Not my favorite option but possible. There's also Indiana, with Susann McDonald, and Gulia added, 'but I don't know if you want to go there, she's really old' (lol! what a thing to say!) as well as Toronto with Judy Loman (I have one of her CDs, she's apparently into 20th century music, hmm... I didn't actually mention SF conservatory though... I should probably ask her about Eastman, I see some graduate school rankings which rank it highly. She has something against Peabody though! Haha. Well I'll do some research and get back to her again :)

Strange dreams

Argh... I dreamt of C... who sort of confronted me in my home and revealed to me that the reason for ignoring me was because of a lack of confidence in physical looks. In between there was some book that C changed the words of to make mockery of those who judge others based on looks. I woke up and I laughed inwardly because that reason for ignoring me was just so... implausible. Luckily for my sanity, I promptly went back to sleep again and had another dream about touring an old castle as part of a tour group. It seemed like a kind of school-organised overseas trip though, because everybody was young. Ah. Dreams. I have so many strange ones.

Organ Debut!

That's what Jon Lee calls it: my organ debut. Haha. Too nice a term I think! The reality is a lot more mundane. All I did was that I played the organ at Mass for the first time. Actually I hadn't even started thinking seriously about it until Jon Lee used that term in his last sms to me before flying to Japan. Luckily he did, or I might have turned up for this morning's Mass mentally unprepared!

The playing itself was mostly okay, though at the Lamb of God part I didn't really watch the choir, the choir didn't really watch me, and I started out too early and the choir didn't know and I went on but the choir didn't join in and I had to abandon the whole enterprise and just start over. Didn't see the look on Fr's face and privately I'm glad I didn't have the chance to so that I won't think too much about it, lol. I do have a lot to be thankful though, the other Mass parts came out perfectly fine, though I still have to tweak the Alleluia and the 2nd half of the Lamb of God because I'm trying to play the melody all the time, which restricts my artistic freedom to do whatever I want to do on the right hand.

When I was playing the Mass parts today though, I couldn't help but be thankful to Yuezhi. When Yuezhi's group was doing their music history presentation, they discovered a method of recalling the 5 movements in the Mass which is completely invaluable for any Mass organist. Basically, it's this cute mnemonic that goes "Kids Go Crazy Singing All Day" which stands for Kyrie (Lord have mercy), Gloria (Glory to God in the Highest), Credo (The Creed), Santus (Holy, holy, holy) and lastly Agnus Dei (Lamb of God) (boy, do I love being able to read some Latin!)

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Later on in the night, I went for Kimmy's (alright Kimberly) concert. It was... well the 1st half was rather objectionable but the 2nd half fairly rescued it, in fact, it was quite fun and you could see the musicians having fun, for some of the songs at least. You could say that they warmed up after the 1st half and did better for the 2nd. Some of the solos were pretty commendable as well, though some had a serious attack of the nerves, which is perfectly excusable because I do that ALL THE TIME in orchestra. The group, as in the band members themselves were pretty much okay. I had a real issue with the conductor though. After learning that he was from the SAF band (some of the scores that the NP band has even has 'Property of the Singapore Armed Forces band' clearly stamped on it!) I had to roll my eyes and say 'no wonder'. It's not so much that they have no talent (alright, I can't really tell because I was never part of them), but rather that they get complacent and don't practise and everything pretty much goes down from there.

But the conductor himself, really... there were so many parts when he could have accentuated this or that part, or just created more effect or otherwise kept a better hold on the tuning (the tuning! my goodness! they tune after every song but the issue isn't the instruments going out of tune, it's the people themselves, they don't know how to tune...!) by carrying out exercises that will develop their listening ability. Because the tuning of the entire group depends on the ears of each and every member in the group (when my mom played the flute in band she said that she always slid the mouthpiece completely in, she was tone deaf so she couldn't tell that she was out of tune, which I don't believe she was really tone deaf, read below), you Have to increase the listening ability of the group as a whole, or else just one renegade member can ruin the whole effect. Neither is it a waste of time to carry out such exercises in the belief that 'some people can't be helped, they are just tone deaf.'

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Personally, after going through 11 years of some of the top choirs of the primary, secondary and jc level, plus more exposure to intonation and hearing in the conservatory and also interaction with members in the church choir with no musical background, I am firmly convinced that nobody is really tone deaf. Even the most tone deaf members in the choir, after a few months she was singing fine. It all depends on how you train your ears. This is a view that both me and Tony (my favorite teacher) hold: with enough training, nobody is truly tone deaf.

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Umm... after the sidetrack, back to Kimmy's concert. I went for her concert because well, I Am still supposed to be mentoring her (me! mentor her! goodness me! luckily she doesn't know that Colin secretly asked me to mentor her, or else I think she would be judging me a lot more differently or even harshly, instead of seeing me as a friend) but more importantly, because she's a friend. Yep, I go for friend's concerts now though I frequently avoid them in the past... with my new-found appreciation for relationships in general, I put more effort into maintaining friendships beyond those with friends at school whom I see every day. It's definitely paying off, cos when I first talked to Kimmy about my C problem she offered me a lot of advice (okay I don't know how much of it actually was useful, lol) and honestly I was quite a wreck and she helped me so much, so we became much closer because of that incident. If there's nothing else that I'm thankful to C for, at least C has brought me closer to a friend that I was not so close to to begin with. So all's good. 塞翁失马，焉知非福. (Something that seems good at first may not actually be good, conversely, something that seems bad may not always be bad.)

Speaking of concerts, I'm going for Zongyi's hiphop dance concert too! She gave us a sneak preview the other day and gosh, does she dance well! After being satisfied with my abilities in my 'supplementary' skills of piano and voice, I've always been looking for the next skill to develop, and I seriously think that I should go into dance. ZY's recommending hiphop, of course, but also because hiphop isolates every single part of the body (I've seen it and it's true!) I'm still undecided about which type of dance to learn though.

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C's active in their CCA... recently even set up some facebook page for their CCA, together with another person. It's always good to take the initiative in any organisation or even organising outings with friends etc, but it sometimes can get a bit unfair if the only people who become leaders are those who show enthusiasm and initiative. Of course, this IS part of what makes a good leader and every leader Should have it, but it is just as equally important to look at their other aspects.

1. It is possible that they are just doing it temporarily to get the post or get attention to their leadership potential instead of a genuine wish to see the group improve. We have to look at the sincerity of their intention.
2. Or they may simply not be suited for leadership. I know more than one student leader who always took the initiative and was full of enthusiasm and drive, but unfortunately they were just unable to lead. There were also others who simply couldn't cope academically after becoming a student leader and they had to be stripped of the post (highly unpalatable for all parties involved).
3. Others just want to help other people without true leadership ambition but they just get saddled with the post when other people say 'oh you're so involved and you are so capable, you should run for the leadership post etc etc' and to be honest, this happens in more than one instance. Like me with the organ thing. Everyone tells me 'oh you learnt music for so many years and you're from yong siew toh so you should go be the organist!'. It gets me all tied up in a knot because the position of organist is essentially a position of power and leadership as they are probably the most vital people in the choir. As for myself though, I'm not sure I'll even be a good organist because I'm worried that I won't have the time necessary to devote to organ playing, plus I am intending to stay 7 days a week at the hostel in my 4th year (to simulate a real overseas situation when one can't come back home at all) which means that I will only end up playing 1 year and then disappearing for another 1 year and possibly then even 2 more years if I do my masters. Then they spend so much time training me and I just poof off to somewhere, I don't think it's quite fair, somehow... :S (alright, if you think two lessons are a lot of time, lol...)

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Blah. My potential harp student wrote me a long email again. I wrote him a long email yesterday night and he replies emails so quickly! And it seems to take forever for me to write him back and I feel bad about it which makes me end up wanting to delay it further and oh gosh... sometimes I really have to force myself to do the things that I don't like. Sometimes it helps if I think of every problem as a new piece... Every piece when starting, doesn't sound good because you are learning the notes and going at a slow pace, but at that point you just have to suck it up and work on it, and then enjoy the fruits later.

This prospective student is really an interesting person though. As he is a pianist (took LTCL a few years ago) I told him that playing the harp would improve on his technique. He wrote back and asked how it would improve piano technique. Lol. Testing me on my knowledge! I wrote him back in this manner:

"To understand how harp playing can help piano technique, we have to first understand that technique is about the finger muscles.

1. In gym equipment parlance, the harp has a much greater 'resistance' than the piano with the heaviest touch so it forces the fingers to work harder and lift heavier 'weights', which strengthens them.
2. Also, the way in which pianists and harpists produce sound with our fingers is similar, in that when we press a key on the piano we are essentially bending our finger, going towards our palm. On the harp, we produce sounds by making the similar movement of bending of the finger towards the palm, but we go further and our fingers end up hitting the palm instead of the movement being stopped by the piano keys, i.e. the movement is greater and you develop more finger strength by making the entire movement instead of the halfway movement on the piano."

He wrote back and said, "Your scientific analysis of harp versus piano playing makes good sense!" Ha, well duh :P After learning more about harp technique from Gulia and that finger muscles are much like any other muscle in the body, I started going into forums for athletes and such to investigate how they increase strength, as well as some of their other routines like how they deal with pain and fatigue, avoid injury, etc.

In this aspect, a musician is just like any athlete: we are constantly dependent on our muscles to create music, and we even get musician specific injuries (for example my wrist is hurting now, argh!) with percussion players getting the most injuries (for the rest of us, we use each finger in turn, but for percussionists, they only have 2 wrists to work with, and they keep on using that joint all the time!). Others would be violin and piano players because they spend so much time in that contorted position. Personally, I think, 'so other instruments don't have that problem meh?' You mean that it's a natural, uncontorted position when harpists lift up their arms completely horizontal to play? When horn players hold up that heavy horn for the duration of their practice? Thus, I think, actually, that the reason why violinists and pianists have the most problems is because they practise the most: the competition is the most fierce, plus, the nature of their instrument means that they can indeed practise for hours on end without feeling any immediate and strong ill effects, and only feel the consequences later on. It's different for wind/brass players because they use their entire body to play and they get tired more easily, especially brass players who must rest their lip muscles.

Wow, you know really, it's really not easy to be a wind/brass player. They can't even smile while enjoying the music they play, because smiling would hugely modify their embouchure, becoming detrimental to their playing. I think that must be one of the greatest sacrifices. I think of myself and oh, how can I possibly play and not smile? That would take away so much of the enjoyment, not to mention that the very act of making the facial expression in turn intensifies the emotion that created the facial expression in the first place! It's like me laughing... often, after a while, I'm not actually laughing because of the funny thing any more, but because I was just laughing and it just goes on and on... :)

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Hmm... oops. While I was writing this post, I didn't realise that one person whom I was talking to had gone offline and the other conversation I was in (which was a group conversation with 3 people including me) the other two were just talking to each other without really knowing that I wasn't looking, haha oops. Gosh, I guess that's my problem when I concentrate... I end up blocking out everything else. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a useful skill... most of the time that is. I get to practise harp as much as I want before I even notice the time passing! Specifically for writing though, I block out everything else so that the ideas that I have don't get lost, because most of the time when I'm typing in my idea, more ideas form and I have to get them down as fast as I can. Sometimes they are more elusive than catching dreams or butterflies...

Songs of the soul

I haven't been writing much recently. It's mostly been bits and pieces, some of which are still in drafts stage because I didn't write much and got distracted by something later on. Yeah I've broken the rhythm and now I have to get back to it... hard to before because I've been incurring a constant sleep debt for the past week and I suspect that I might be developing some sleep problems... Some people in the conservatory already have sleep problems even though they always slept normally before... don't want to be the next one.

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I've been practising my Mass parts and I think I'm ready to play on sunday. Yeah!

While flipping through our Baking Bread hymnal, I also discovered this song, called 'The Summons' which has some meaningful lyrics. The music is great too and I did some improvisation to it which, not to praise myself, I think sounds rather pretty. Maybe I'll get to play it in Mass sometime.

Will you come and follow me, if I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know, and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known?

Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind, if I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind, and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare? Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer pray'r in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see, if I but call your name?

Will you set the pris'ners free, and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the 'you' you hide, if I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found, to reshape the world around?

Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true, when you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you, and never be the same.

In your company I'll go, where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and grow in you and you in me.

The question marks places the onus on us: 'Will you'? We have heard the Word of God and now is the time to respond to it.

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For all its prettiness and meaning though, 'The Summons' cannot possibly compare to two songs that I heard recently...

I was on youtube looking for videos to send my prospective harp student (he seems a real music enthusiast, could be fun) and while looking at my favorites, I rediscovered 'Salve Regina', a piece that I had sung as a member of a girls' choir. I'd loved it then, the mixing harmonies, the gravity contained within it, like a planet whose stately motion we could never hope to shake. I was actually thinking about the Salve Regina a few days ago because I'd gone to school on Monday to help Kimmy with her project (she had to interview university students), therefore on the way passing by Clementi station which made me think of part of the words in Salve Regina: "O clemens, O pia, O dulcis virgo". I believe Salve Regina was the first Latin song I ever sang, and that was my first exposure to Latin, one of the most beautiful languages ever spoken (thus my interest in learning Italian, the successor of Latin). When I sing Salve Regina to myself, I still smile. It was wretchedly difficult for a sop (of sec sch level) because it reached so high, and the conductor 'eliminated' something like more than half the Sop 1 population who couldn't hit those notes. Luckily I wasn't 'eliminated', so I got to sing the part and... oh, the intervals... the major 2nds, that clash so mystically (the same as in the opening of Eric Whitacre's 'Water Night')...

We sang the song in Hawaii when we went to compete there for the Pacific Basin Music Festival. While waiting for our turn to perform in front of the judges, we had a little warm up outdoors, outside the venue. We sang Salve Regina and when we had finished, this man came up (he was dragging a dustbin along) and said to the conductor, "You sing like angels!" (in an american accent) and then gave Ms Chye (our conductor) a US$20. Cool, lol. I never knew how much this music could touch hearts because, as someone who performs the piece, you get stressed out by your conductor and you've practised so many times that you know where the mistakes lie and the magic is lost, but to someone who hears it for the first time... It is indeed like a glimpse of heaven and the choirs of angels.

I was like someone who glimpsed heaven when I listened to another song by the same choir. I'd noticed that there were links from the video of Salve Regina to other songs sung by the same choir (that choir seems like one of the, if not the best, in Hungary and definitely a world-class choir) so I clicked and listened to the others available. That's when I discovered Franz Biebl's 'Ave Maria'.

I showed it to Silvano who said "Ah yes, that's Franz Biebl's Ave Maria. Very beautiful piece." I'm not sure if ' very beautiful piece' fully justifies it. That piece is truly magical, with its soaring voices, and beautiful harmonies that can only be brought about by a choir that is strong in ALL sections, and they have it! The composer and the performer comes together to create not just art, but magic. It's incredible: every single voice in the harmony is just so balanced and it's so... ethereal... Especially the anchoring of the chord at 0.36, 1.18 and 2.50, and my heart feels an extreme twinge... and then the music goes up and up... Like the music was gathering all the happiness and voices of praise on the earth, and lifting them up to Heaven... I can't describe the tremors in my heart when that high note is reached... there is a kind of squeezing and yet an uncontrollable tremble. Sigh... that song makes one want to fall on one's knees in prayer... It's almost as good as falling in love.

That music touched my soul.

Soulmate

If there was only one person in the world who could give you happiness, wouldn't you give everything up to be with them? And wouldn't you try to be the best person you can for them, just because they are worth it?

Colin has been trying to push me in the direction of Jon Lee, saying that Jon would be a good match for me, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's not going to work. Our attitudes towards love are different. When I am with someone, I pull out all the stops and put in all my effort to make it work. There is scarcely anything more important than he. My entire 24 hours are geared towards this single person, and even my ambitions and future life goals revolve around this person. Honestly I can't say the same for Jon Lee. His ex went to Eastmond and well Jon also qualified, but because he didn't get a scholarship (while getting one from YST), he decided to go to YST instead. Now, I really respect that he was trying to help his parents save money, but for him it was a clear cut choice. I know that if it were me, I would have tried so hard to be at Eastmond just to be with the one I love, but well, for Jon... while he is seeking for a soulmate, the love of one person does not take up everything in his soul. That is the crucial difference.

Colin says that Jon's views are merely the milder version of mine. That may be, but I can't help thinking, though, that if a couple does not share the same attitude towards love and romance, their approach towards it will also be different. The relationship is valued differently. One party is going to end up being a lot more clingy and the other party will feel stifled, and well, the difference is going to make a difference. I remember that in my previous relationship, there was a point when my ex started to value the relationship differently from me and that's when all the trouble started. I'm especially concerned about whether the other party is able to handle it because I know that I do get a bit too obsessive over the person and I freely admit it. Over the last 3 years I have indeed changed, but I'm still not sure if I can moderate my tendency towards obsession. Over the holidays I have been forced to admit that to a large extent the obsessiveness is still present. And until I know that my obsessive tendencies are fully under control, or that the other person is able to match up to my level of intensity in a relationship, the relationship will already be compromised from the start. If I can already see that it's not going to work, no way will I be getting into a relationship. In the arena of love, 老娘是不做亏本生意的 (this woman does not go into a losing business)

In any case, I suppose my attitude towards relationships is already kinda scary for most guys, because when I get into a relationship, I see the future. I see marriage down the road and all the rest of it. Dating isn't my thing because I'm not looking to just try out every male around to see if it works. I'm looking for someone who fulfills my mental criteria, but yet at the same time, if he is my soulmate, I should also fulfill his (otherwise how can it be called a soulmate, right?). Not to mention that most important connection between the two of us. I don't want to get into a relationship, blunder around for years, clinging to each other out of security, only to finally admit that we are not suited for each other.

There is so much preparation and groundwork that has to be done before even getting into a relationship, because, if love is a gunfight, I shoot to kill. I may be giggling and not serious a lot of the time, but for me, love is always deadly serious.

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Gosh, I'm still aching all over... shouldn't have pushed myself that hard yesterday... lol. Currently listening to Ievan Polkka, a song which is completely addictive! It's sung by Vocaloid, a computer singing program that makes it sound slightly robotic on one hand but also completely cute on the other! Not to mention that it never has problems with vocal range, haha. It's so catchy! I was singing this to myself in the shower and trying to go at the actual speed while trying to get the intonation right, but switching between the major and minor triad is much harder than I thought... bah. The song is so fun to sing though, that one can't help but smile and be uplifted.

Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla barits tad dillan deh lando.
Aba rippadta parip parii ba ribi, ribi, ribiriz den teahlando,
La barillaz dillan deiallou ara va reve reve revydyv dyvjavuo
Bariz dah l'llavz dei lando dabaoke dagae gadae due due dei ia do
Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla barits tad dillan deh lando.
Aba rippadta parip parii ba ribi, ribi, ribiriz den teahlando,
La barillaz dillan deiallou ara va reve reve revydyv dyvjavuo
Bariz dah l'llavz dei lando dabaoke dagae gadae due due dei ia do

Arattzattza ya ribiraririn raba rittan rindam denrandu
Waba rittatta parippari pariri ribiribi risutan denrandu
Yaba rindan tenran deiaroo waraba dubudubudubu deiebu
Ra rittan dinran denrandu tatatataduuduu deiabuu
Arattzattza ya ribiraririn raba rittan rindam denrandu
Waba rittatta parippari pariri ribiribi risutan denrandu
Yaba rindan tenran deiaroo waraba dubudubudubu deiebu
Ra rittan dinran denrandu tatatataduuduu deiabuu

If you look at the lyrics, most of the consonants are very percussive and that's part of what makes it so fun!

Artemis...

Today I started my day with exercise. Then on the way back, I saw somebody selling muruku, and so I bought a packet... I've been trying to look for somebody else who sells as good a muruku as they sell in this shop just next to CTK (Christ the King church) but I've tried something like over 5 types of muruku now and none of them actually come close, they have too much spice or are too tough to chew... or just something else that is not right. This is something that both me and my younger bro completely agree on... we haven't found any muruku Anywhere that can match up to the one near CTK... and every time that I do go to the place I always end up buying at least 3 packets, because even if I don't eat them, we do keep them for a later time. Muruku is by far our favorite snack, haha. Speaking of which I think my bro stole my muruku... >:( I can't find it anywhere...

After I came back, I talked to Jasmine a little, then took a nap and then cycled to the photo shop in Sgn North Ave 1 that is near both our houses and picked up the poster that I had framed (framed, not scapegoated, mind...). I have to keep it in the wrapping paper til we move house though. Not much point putting up the picture because it will just end up creating a hole in the wall that we have to patch up later before we sell the house... so not worth it. I really like the picture though... an angel with the lute... 11-stringed lute. I'm going to put it in the harp room when we move :D

"Angel with Lute", part of a fresco painted by Melozzo da Forli (1438-1494) (Melozzo from 'Forli', they didn't have surnames back in the 15th century so they used the name of the place they were from, for example Leonardo da Vinci is basically Leonardo from 'Vinci')

Speaking of harps, I've been thinking of a lot of different names for my harp. Right now I'm favoring Artemis, you can read about her here (yes, I finally got back to recalling my html) I like the name because it's the name of the goddess who was also a huntress... a woman who is both strong and beautiful. I was looking on the internet and I found this picture... (hmm... she is left-handed? haha) When I was about 11 or so I first glimpsed this picture (actually a completed jigsaw puzzle) in my aunt's office, with the curve of the bow fitted snugly into the curve of the crescent moon... I loved it at once but I never knew which goddess it was... I had no idea it was even a goddess and not some fairy... Only when I learnt more about greek mythology did I find out that it's Artemis (thank you wikipedia) so I think that it would be fitting to call my harp after a greek goddess depicted in a picture that I've always loved. And, well, her association with the moon and by extension, astronomy... what can I say? It's a great name. Some previous names I considered included Cantate and Caritas.

I don't understand why every single day I'm just so completely exhausted... sometimes I know it's because I do some stuff, but surely not every single day? Or maybe it's just because when I'm not tired I end up staying up until I do get tired?

The seed that fell on thorny ground...

I sat beside Colin for Mass today. I learnt quite a bit more about which music goes where exactly and I realised that I don't know my Mass parts sufficiently yet!

Then I went to grandma's house for dinner, then went back and practised the CPE again... I think I'm obsessed with it, haha. It's just... compelling. And each day I just want to uncover the treasure more and more... really helps that the movement that I'm doing is light and fast, so I can sort of dance with my head to the music. I realise that I really like to dance to the music while at choir prac today because I just couldn't keep my limbs from moving, it just... went. Especially when Colin made the music more dance-like... I really want to learn dance. To finally let my bodily expressions have a directed outlet... or else actually I feel a little silly sometimes, haha.

Colin wants me to have my Mass parts ready by next next week! I told him I wasn't quite ready for next week especially because I'm going to have lesson with Gulia on the 18th... bleah. CPE's kinda ready to go but the others are still... I'm actually worried about the La Source. Spohr is do-able, just needs to be more... drillish. Oh, incredible english I have :p

Then at night, we went out for my godfather's birthday dinner, and he said that he's going to give me something generous for my birthday. Nice uncle, haha. Then I also talked to my aunt who suggested that I learn about investing in stocks from my grandma. Hehe. Well, if you go down one path and it doesn't work, go back and try the other. Crossroads aren't always final...

I haven't talked about my faith for some time. Above all I always try not to be pushy, so tell me if I'm getting too much so, and I'll scale back. The other time when Gulia asked me the other time whether I was religious and I said yes, she was shocked and had a sort of guarded look, so I had to say that I'm not the pushy kind of Christian. Which is true. Having experienced pushy religious people, I know how irritating it can get, especially when people quote verses from a book that the other Doesn't read! (i.e., the Bible) Well anyways... going back to the original point... I feel as if I'm being sorely tested in my faith right now. Today's reading was about the parable of the sower:

Once there was a man who went out to sow grain. As he scattered the seed in the field, some of it fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some of it fell on rocky ground, where there was little soil. The seeds soon sprouted, because the soil wasn't deep. But when the sun came up, it burned the young plants and because the roots had not grown deep enough, the plants soon dried up. Some of the seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. But some seeds fell in good soil, and the plants bore grain: some had one hundred grains, others sixty, and others thirty. Listen then, and learn what the parable of the sower means. Those who hear the message about the Kingdom but do not understand it are like the seeds that fell along the path. The Evil One comes and snatches away what was sown in them. The seeds that fell on rocky ground stand for those who receive the message gladly as soon as they hear it. But it does not sink deep into them, and they don't last long. So when trouble or persecution comes because of the message, they give up at once. The seeds that fell among thorns stand for those who hear the message; but the worries about this life and the love for riches choke the message, and they don't bear fruit. And the seeds sown in the good soil stand for those who hear the message and understand it: they bear fruit.

The Word seems to have fallen on thorny ground of my heart... it once was strong and thriving, but now it seems like the world is slowly taking over. It's so easy to say we're just busy. At the same time I see so many other people also being the thorny ground... How can we change? It's been some time since I was intensely inspired by God, because I was not seeking for Him. I know that for my part, I have been spiritually damaged by some things that have happened as well as some things that I have done, and my soul is still in the process of recovery. At least being in the choir maintains my emotional connection, no matter how frail it may be. On the intellectual level I do know everything, but now I lack the emotional connection. It's time to consciously set aside time for God each day instead of just at the 'normal' prayer times.

Relationships are like plants. You have to water them regularly or they'll die.

Getting out of the rat race

I practised quite a bit today, and it was quite a gleeful thing when I saw how much progress I had made. I managed to learn another page of CPE plus get the 2 pages before that up to speed, so that made me pretty happy :D

I also napped, and played some mindless games which I personally suspect are partly to blame for me not thinking much these few days. Strangely my mind is the most active when I'm practising, when my mind tends to wander. When I paying attention though, I get so amazed at CPE's wonderful creation, it's just... incredible to go through the keys and see the little paths that the music takes... it's not just beautiful on the aesthetic level but also engages the mind on the intellectual level. Just like the works of his father Bach. Simply bliss condensed on paper.

Some discussions that I had with some of my friends made me realise that I need to learn investing myself. Time to learn from my uncle I guess... I find it disturbing that my parents refuse to teach me anything for fear that I will lose everything. Well, neither do I want to lose everything, which is why I'm asking them for guidance, right? I think I should talk to them seriously about it, and soon. I've been asking them about investing since J2 and they've never believed in me. Well, since they let me have the contact lenses, I guess I could try for the investment, they are reasonable people after all.

A peaceful day mostly

I unpaused my Human-Age characters today. When I did so, I started wondering if it was the right thing to do. It's pretty... time-consuming, and I had big plans for what to do with my free time...

In between of being tired of practising harp, I've managed to practise my piano pieces to a level I'm satisfied with, so I'm going on to try a Nocturne of Chopin's, as well as to start learning the 3rd prelude of WTC, the C# major! I haven't actually looked at the fugue for that, but the prelude is pretty awesome as it is. After that I really liked this fugue somewhere... I know it's in Book 1 of the WTC so I guess I just have to look for it. Yep... imslp confirms that it's Fugue VIII, Eb minor. Yeah!

Also, I cycled to Serangoon North to go jogging (well, brisk walking) with Jasmine. Took a shortcut from Gardens to Srgn N even though I had absolutely no idea which way to go. Then again I usually just use my sixth sense to figure out where to go, and most of the time I'm right. Anyway, Jasmine and I ended up going to the Japanese Cemetary, which was within walking distance. There, we saw a bunny!! Instead of jogging we ended up chasing a bunny. Haha. Well it was sooooooooo cute, and Jasmine took a lot of pictures. In case you're wondering, we did get some exercise in after, plus a lot of talking. Then, it started to rain, so I couldn't cycle back, so we had dinner in the area. We had awesome dumpling noodles! Was a really good deal because there were 4 large dumplings and the noodle portion was pretty generous too. Only thing was that I was a little stuffed after that.

Then I met Marcus Tay (flute senior, just graduated from YST) and he had.... wow... changed a lot. I thought he was staying at the Serangoon North area, but it turned out that he was just teaching there. Wonder what his plans are right now. Probably nothing much yet.

After the rain I finally managed to cycle back. Then I watched the premiere of HP7 online. I'm not really a HP fan, so I just left the sound on while I pottered about (pun intended) doing my stuff. The interviews of the stars got a little repetitive after a while though, they were mostly saying the same things.

Yay, managed to improve finger agility today. It feels a little tight though, I think I need to increase the intensity more gradually. Anyways it's been a long day, so time for bed *yawn*

Saturday...

Today I did nothing but spend hours and hours typing out a 3500+ word email. Yeah, rather hard to believe I actually have so much to say. I would rather much have called him, but after what happened yesterday I decided to sms him before I actually called him. I asked if he would mind if I called him and he said, 'Yes. Just stop bugging me." but in the end I still called him anyway. He didn't pick up. I was distressed and Colin told me to just go to sleep.

Any dream will do

Today I got my contacts. They were fairly itchy though, I have no idea whether I'm simply not suited to them, or I am simply not suited for contacts. Also my depth perception is a little skewed. Well, I'm not going to wear them every day anyway, so it should be fine.

Well it's Friday today so there was choir prac. I was not feeling really great about going, but I'm glad I went, because I got to talk to Kimmy (well, Kimberly) and we had a really long chat.

When Kimmy and I finally parted (because they had to lock up the church), I ran all the way back from church. At first I had started running to keep up with Colin who was on a bike. Yeah, a bike. Haha. But after Colin turned left to go back home and I turned right, I just kept on running. I don't know why. Perhaps it was just that I didn't want to lose the momentum that I had built up. Part of me actually wanted to see how good or bad my stamina was... I haven't jogged/ran seriously for quite a long time, because of the recurring knee and ankle pain, so I've been cycling instead. I needn't have worried about my stamina, because it's still intact: I ran 1 km (well that was the distance from church to my home) without stopping or feeling tired. I guess all that cycling up the hill training has really helped keep me in shape in some way, haha. After I got home I did get ankle pain though, so probably not good to do this kinda thing too often. I know, though, that part of the allure of running, that I guess all runners feel, is this feeling of liberation and a sort of power, especially when you go past other people and your mind goes, 'haha slowpoke!' and you feel like the king of the world or something.

After I got home, I chatted a little more to Kimmy and oh man... she kept telling me not to cry. This is so embarrassing. I had resolved to say everything to him that night, but when I called him, he said, 'I was sleeping.", three words that made me freeze up.

Far far away...

Some one was weeping,

But the world was sleeping.

Any dream will do.

And so I haven't said it yet.

I feel like Gretchen at the Spinning Wheel...

Gretchen at the Spinning Wheel... the piano repeats a certain pattern over and over again, suggesting the movement of the spinning wheel and yet also implying Gretchen's mind keeps on going over and over the same person... while the left hand of the piano is like her heartbeat.

I don't even know what I was trying to do today. For the first time I actually got too depressed to practice. Or maybe I just didn't have the motivation to trick myself into practising any more. I spent half the day on facebook just... staring. It hurts. It hurts so much that I'm coughing, the empty, hollow cough that only happens when my heart really hurts. When I can physically feel my chest squeezing. I felt a burning from the neck up, while the other parts of me felt ice cold. I felt that when I left PGP that day. An unbearable despair and pain.

I was really depressed today until I saw a single word, and then I smiled like an idiot. Sigh.

Anyway I did nothing in the day today, and only at night did I mess round a little, playing through the entire Spohr and fumbling a little (okay a lot) on some of the large intervals. The chord went something like C-E-C-E in a LOT of places. The description of the Spohr variations in the front of the book said that Spohr’s wife was a past mistress on the harp. Well, I think she must have been a mistress with Huge! Hands! to play that stuff!

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I haven't much to say except for some... more funny stuff I guess.

My own toilet had some problems, so I had to use my younger bro's toilet. His toilet bowl isn't well designed and whenever you flush some stuff splashes out... ... Really, it’s so misleading when this model of toilet bowl is named "Imperial": which king wants to get splashed on the foot?

A: 哇，台湾人好有耐性哦。。。(Wow, the Taiwanese are really patient people…)

B: 你怎么知道？(How would you know anyway?)

A: 哎呀，是在看台湾戏练出来的啦！(Well, they learn patience by watching Taiwanese dramas!)

(because Taiwanese dramas are Reeeeaaaalllyyyy long, they usually last for at least 300 episodes, I don’t know how anyone actually has the patience to watch every episode…!)

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Night. I stare at your representation. No word passes between us.

A really long day

Phew. Today was the lesson with Gulia. The first comment she made to me (well at least after “Take your time, don’t worry” because I was late and had run to her class) was “You lost weight.” It seems that every time I see someone whom I’ve not seen for some time, they almost always comment, “Oh you’ve lost weight.” But since my weight is constantly hovering around a certain weight, it must obviously be the same weight that I’m losing over and over again. I’m reminded of a Garfield comic where Jon congratulates Garfield saying, “Garfield, you’ve lost a pound this week! I’m so proud of you!” and Garfield remarks, “It’s the same pound I lose every week.”

As for the lesson itself, it didn’t quite go as badly as I thought. I played the 1^st movement of CPE, theme and 1^st 2 variations of the Spohr and 1^st 3 pages of La Source. After the lesson she told me that the next lesson she wants me to play another movement of CPE, and finish up the Spohr and La Source. I was just thinking… oh man. Luckily I haven’t any more activities for the rest of the holiday. At least I’m crossing my fingers. I really dislike travelling out so frequently.

After the lesson, I got to practice on the harps! When I left, it was actually a rather emotional goodbye… I really miss Lyon and Healy, the two harps in the harp studio. This holiday they wanted to do some renovation or something in the teacher’s studios, so they removed students’ card access to the studios. Though the practice rooms are still open, it doesn’t really mean anything to me because the harps are still shut up in the harp studio. I really missed practicing on them. It’s quite a travesty, but I actually got so used to Ellie’s (my harp) sound, that when I went to play Lyon it felt funny. Actually what Bryan (Malaysian harp student one year below me, brilliant player) says is true when he says that Lyon’s higher octaves don’t sound good, because honestly that range on Ellie sounds better than on Lyon. Either that, or that I forgot how to produce a good sound on the school harps already… :/

I really can’t wait to get back to school. Now that I’m not practicing in a bid to get to a certain school just for someone, I’m finally free (well in a sense) to do what I want. Aim for any school I want. My romantic life no longer restricts me to certain choices. Previously when I used to like this guy from the US, I was really unhappy that he wasn’t from Singapore. I mean, I don’t want to move away from here, not really! Plus, he was Caucasian, so I was just shouting to myself, “What are you doing Karen??!” Somewhere deep in me I’d always looked down on SPGs (not going to define it, go look up a Singlish dictionary if you don’t know what it means) or otherwise girls who like Caucasians just because they think they look good looking, something that seems really shallow to me (still trying to kick the bad habit of judging superficial things like that). For one, my tastes are really not for Caucasians (prefer the dark type, don’t ask me why), so the looks thing wasn’t a factor at all in my liking him, all the more so because I’m a person who cares about next to nil about looks in a potential life-partner. But I guess I was worried that others would think I liked him because of the looks thing. For these reasons, I felt great anguish at the time when I had to admit to myself that I liked him, especially because I really really didn’t want to move, but well, I thought, you know, if a person is your soulmate, you gotta follow him no matter what, so that’s the direction I followed for two years, to practice and be able to get into the San Francisco Conservatory. But now… no more. I want to be no longer live a life that is dictated by the whims of my heart, but to finally live for myself (highly unlikely, looking at my track record… my head really doesn’t trust my heart’s new resolution…)

It’s quite liberating, in that now I am truly and wholly playing just for the sake of the music, to be a better musician, but at the same time it’s quite frightening to feel directionless. Well, all my life I’ve let my direction in life be dictated by people whom I had feelings for. As in, I always knew what I wanted to be and my end goals never changed, but the way in which I achieved the dream kept changing. This was also why I ended up studying harp in Singapore (this one was because of my ex) instead of overseas, when everyone was telling me that I would learn more in the US, for example.

Well, it actually turned out to be the better choice to stay here instead, because Gulia is really such a great teacher who will probably end up teaching me more than I would have been taught if I had gone to most US conservatories. And… well! She definitely has the connections. When I asked her today about buying a harp, she told me that she knows the guy from Lyon and Healy and told me to mention her name when buying the harp so that “they don’t stiff you with a lousy harp”. I was quite amazed that Gulia even knew him in the first place. Well, Julliard is Julliard. Can’t beat that. It’s really amazing though… with money you can do everything it seems. YST (Yong Siew Toh Conservatory) has been getting the best teachers from the best schools… that means that students from your school are now connected to students from Julliard, with all their connections. It’s really… well, a great but not wholly intended side-effect.

Then again, we at YST are already SO lucky to be able to have the benefit of teachers from MPO (Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra) because the MPO pays their musicians a Huge deal (sponsored by Sepang, Malaysian national oil company mah), so they attract the best musicians there, which YST then asks to teach at the school. Cool huh? Jonathan Fox (Percussion) is this way. Even though my teacher is from SSO (Singapore Symphony Orchestra), I can still see the rest of my classmates benefiting from the tutelage of MPO musicians, like Julian under Brett Stemple (Tuba).

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Oh… maybe I’ll relate some funny events that happened in the YST orchestra…

A violist arrived 20 minutes late and the pissed conductor asked him why he was late. The violist looked at the clock on the wall of the rehearsal room… then replied, “Oh my clock was 20 minutes slow.” The conductor rolled his eyes and said, “I think YOU’re slow.”

Then, there was this thing about the violist (different one) who actually did a well, shit, on stage. No kidding. It was, most embarrassingly, at the Esplanade Concert Hall. Yeah, I know, facepalm for the reputation of YST. Apparently, the offending violist had greedily eaten 3 packets of food during dinner time, so really it was no surprise that he had… digestion issues later on. And that guy being a 1^st year and all… he probably didn’t think that he would be allowed to get off the stage to do his thing, or maybe he thought he could hold it in or something… In any case, the deed was done by the end of Ein Heldenleben, and because that piece concluded the concert, the orchestra had to stand, sit and repeat so many times to acknowledge the applause… the wind section just behind the viola section had to bear the brunt of it… Ouch. Thankfully us harps were pretty far away so we didn’t get it. I myself didn’t smell anything and obviously Gulia didn’t either, because she was busy hugging us and congratulating us on a good performance (awww :) ), all of this happening while we were still on stage. Afterwards, when we went down to the changing rooms, we could really see blobs of… the brown stuff… … … The horrible part was that by the time the Esplanade crew managed to get to it, some of it had already seeped into the flooring itself, and worst of all, the SSO were having a rehearsal the very next morning, so all the Esplanade people could do was just to put on a sort of platform on that area and they just went ahead. Must have been a real stink. No wonder the story has spread well beyond YST. When I was rehearsing with OMM the musicians were talking about it (with completely inaccurate parts added in, you know, the broken telephone thing), and apparently it’s been talked about even in the MPO. Blah. Infamy for the rest of your YST life as the shitting violist.

My favorite teacher Tony had a real good laugh about it when he heard the story… he said that that shows that Strauss’ Ein Heldenleben is so difficult that it literally makes people shit in their pants! *facepalm*

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After I finished practicing, I intended to get to the Opus Dei centre for the class at 3, but I met Uncle Wah Peng on the way. I’ve always liked Uncle Wah Peng a lot because he always helps me to move the harps. Always on time and just, well… he likes to help me and I feel really bad about it, so I try to move the harps or something before he comes and it actually becomes almost like a kind of game sometimes :P Even though I know that it IS his job, I still feel bad about it because the harp is not light at all, and him having to move them around… it doesn’t feel right. So sometimes I help him as well to make myself feel better about it. Like the other time, I helped him to load the harps into the hard travelling cases when we were moving the harps to the Esplanade. Man those things were tough. I bought him chicken essence once because I felt so bad for him having to lift those 40 kg harps all the time but he said, “Next time cannot already ok!!” because he felt that I was still studying and I shouldn’t be doing such stuff. I told him that I was playing gigs outside, so I was earning some money (which was true, just that I’m not actually getting much) and he grudgingly accepted it, but since then he’s always remembered it, much to my embarrassment when he openly praises me about it… I mean well, if you’re reading this then you should already know that that’s what I do for everyone anyway, I just like people :)

Anyway, Uncle Wah Peng was talking to me about his daughter, which just got into Medicine in NUS. (before, he liked to talk to me about her because she comes from the same JC as me, AJC (Anderson Junior College)) Wow. Uncle really very li hai (formidable). I could tell that he was just so proud of his daughter and I just encouraged him to speak more and more about, especially because he was so happy and everything… I was really happy for him. He went on about him going with his daughter for the interview (with him waiting outside while his daughter was being interviewed, of course) and actually, us who can get interviews for admission into university courses or scholarships are already very lucky… there are so many who will never get a chance like that in their entire lives. Uncle said that he wanted to go and see what the interview was like because he had never had a chance to experience something of that scale of importance before. It’s quite amazing, the lives that other people lead… Anyway I never realised how long we had chatted, until I got to the bus stop and I realised that it was already 3.08. Obviously I was really late for the lesson.

Afterwards, I went to someone's 'summer' house, as he calls it. The 'he' in question is Diego, a YST student from Mexico. I was a little confused as to why he had invited me there in the first place, because I don’t really know him well. The only time when we spoke seriously was in the library, when I was going to practice in the harp studio (then I found out I couldn't get into the studio). I saw him watching an opera which piqued my interest. I was really free at the time so I just chatted to him, and we ended up chatting for I think 2 hours? About 2 weeks after that he invited me to see his summer lodgings and it was a bit weird, especially since if I went it would be only the 2 of us. I only said okay when I heard that there were other people going as well. I figured that since he was living alone, quite a distance away from YST, it's difficult to socialise and he probably just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. In any case, I did know him from school, so I was never really worried, unlike the time when I wandered into a guy's level in PGP late at night.

Anyway, for the vacation, he was living in a house where, well... even if you have money, it's difficult get a house that is as beautiful. When I saw it I was just stunned. I’ve seen plenty of huge houses, but none of them are quite as beautiful as that one. It was just so well-designed… the layout was just instinctive and natural. It put me at ease the moment I stepped in. I mean well, even if you have money, it’s hard to get a design that good. I’ve seen the houses of people who are probably 10 times richer… and the whole package can't match up at all. Seriously, it takes not just a rich person, but a rich person with taste. And luck I guess. Just, wow.

When I got there, I was the only person at the time, so as you can guess it was a little awkward. Diego showed me the pool and jacuzzi and the conversation topic got to talking about how, in Mexico, it’s quite liberal and people like to suntan and swim in a way that avoids tan lines... ... and he said, "You know, life is short. Just enjoy life! Why do you have to restrain yourself?" I was a little jolted myself but before you start thinking that he's a creep, well just think that it's his culture. He had such confidence that his culture's way of doing things is better, and I guess that a lot of people who meet such confidence start to think that yes, their way of doing things is indeed better. I think, though, it’s important to know that their way of doing things is not necessarily better, just different. Trying to do things their way in our culture is really not going to work.

In a way it's kind of like free speech… someone told me about one of the subordinates to Chee Soon Juan (Secretary-general of opposition Singapore Democratic Party), that this subordinate was talking to a table of people about how we all need free speech and our rights and how America does everything better… One of the people at the table got so fed up that he said, ‘Alright, we all have rights right? Well, it’s my right not to sit here and listen to this nonsense.” and then he walked off. Man, I really salute that guy. Believe me I've talked to my fair share of Americans and it can really get on my nerves when they keep parading their right to free speech. If you ever show your frustration, they think you're just jealous of them when really you just want to tell them that unbridled free speech is not always the answer. Just look at America's cults and all that... In fact I'm secretly glad that we have some restrictions on free speech. Sure, some areas it could be loosened up, but in most others... well let's just say that free speech is not a license to stupidity.

The poolside chairs were all facing up to the sky, and I forgot to ask Diego if he could see any stars at night. I think it could be really beautiful if there wasn't much light pollution from other buildings so you can actually see the various constellations. If Wynne and Kung Ming want to go again, I'll be sure to bring my star chart. I might actually get to identify more constellations, I've never been able to find the Big Dipper, so I'm pretty excited to try see it. :D Though I still think that the best place to see stars should be in Malaysia. My uncle (mom's younger sister's husband) once promised, after a night of stargazing on their balcony, to bring me and my cousins to Malaysia to look at the stars. They had never used that telescope of theirs, until that night when I discovered that they actually Had A Telescope! Unbelievable! If I had something like that I would be out there every night, for sure, until I identify all the constellations in the Northern Hemisphere. Now that would be really fun! :D

Anyway back to Diego's summer place... after a while Wynne finally arrived and rescued me. Phew. Then we taught Diego how to play chinese chess. If you've never played chinese chess before and don't know how to read chinese at all... well. I'm actually quite impressed that he learnt so fast. Of course he made a few mistakes on how certain pieces move, but I think by the next game he could actually beat me. I'm intrigued by the depth of his intellect.

Hmm. Well we stayed out too late and parents were a little upset. Umm.. well they usually are when I come back around 11, and mom said she was going to throw my computer out of the window, a threat that she has been using for... well, since I got to use a laptop in J2 (junior college, year 2). I can't exactly say that I got my own laptop because even to this day I don't actually 'own' a laptop... This one I'm using is sort of on a permanent loan from my older bro.

I'm actually pretty tired of travelling out all the time and am looking forward to a good rest tomorrow. I Am going to travel out to get my contacts though, sometime this week. They’ve finally arrived and I wonder what it’ll be like wearing them…

Sorry, I'm hardly being coherent at all...

Looks like dad's mio tv is going to be on all week this week because the tennis tournament he's watching will last until the end of the week. He seemed very happy to keep the mio tv on and told me that this would help me to sleep early. Well... that's true, but how do I explain to him that it's really affecting me adversely in ways not related to sleep? I don't even know how he would react if I told him that. Probably disbelief. This is infinitely frustrating. I... sigh. Today was not a good day. After not being able to use the computer last night after I got back, I went to sleep early and had some dream about an earthquake.

I was in a sea of schoolchildren and there was a sort of bunker-like structure, where, the strangest of all things, there were metal frames like the racks you see in warehouses. Bad idea, I thought, but anyway it would have been too late to move them. Having something that can fall down is one of the worst things you can do in an earthquake, because really what kills you is not actually the earthquake, but the things that fall down on you. Anyway, the earthquake was apparently scheduled to strike at 1246 and when it didn't happen, people started to get up and cheer, thinking that it wouldn't happen. I was about to shout that 'it's not safe yet' because predicting geological events can be really difficult and well, variance happens. Just then, the earthquake started, and the metal racks which I mentioned earlier, fell down. Oh well. I did say. Luckily nobody was hurt and when I got out of the bunker thing I had a really strong craving for icecream. That's when I woke up.

By that time it was already11am, which is considered 'early' in comparison to most of my wake up times this holiday. Mom got on me for saying that I always sleep late and I have a horrible body clock, but I've always made sure that I get 8 hours a day, or at least make up for sleep loss over the week. I thought Colin would give me lesson 2 today, so I waited for him. He didn't turn up. I think he forgot that he promised to teach me today. While I was waiting for him, I watched the movie Transformers (was on tv last night and younger bro recorded it), which is a pretty good movie. I have to admit that the bots actually looked a whole lot better than the ones in the tv series last time. Those tended to look really plasticky which contributed in no small part to my aversion in watching it in film. But today I was proven wrong. I now see why it's worthy of its significant fan following...

After watching though, Gulia called me up and asked me to go for lesson tomorrow. Aiyo, give me more warning lah... Then I looked at my pieces and then I realised... even though I feel as if I have been practising very hard all this holiday, looking at my progress I haven't actually made any substantial progress. Argh. Then the worst part was that I didn't have a pencil. This might sound weird but I'm actually quite reliant on my pencil for writing in all the pedalings and fingerings and stuff... without my pencil I'm often stuck, which was why I wasn't really eager to start on the CPE Bach's sonata because it has a lot of pedal changes that must be written down. I decided to cycle down to Gardens to see if there's anywhere which sells a pencil. I found pens but not pencils, which meant that I'd wasted time and energy going to look for a pencil. I was feeling really tired already by that time which I don't quite understand, because I did sleep enough last night... Perhaps it's just the late-afternoon drowsiness that I've managed to skip when I wake up after 12 pm. I did notice though, that after walking through the NTUC where I tried to look for the pencil (alright, I was desperate, and Gardens is not exactly the closest place to anywhere with a proper bookshop) I actually did feel better. Retail therapy! I was figuring out why some women would be helped by so called 'retail therapy' and looking at all the shelves of products in NTUC I was thinking that when females go out shopping, it's kind of like a prehistoric female seeing an abundance of food, which assuages their worries of not having enough food. In the modern context, seeing all the goods indicates abundance and may help their stress levels on a unconscious level. Either that, or it's just good old psychology that shops use to make shoppers comfortable so that they would buy more. Haha.

The probably only good thing about today is that I managed to learn the other 3 pages of the 1st movt of CPE's sonata so at least I have something to show her tomorrow other than just a third of the La Source and theme + 2 variations out of the Spohr variations. At 10pm though I was asked to stop. So now I can neither play nor use the computer and my head is just completely blank right now, at least more blank than is comfortable for me.

Gosh... yeah I know my situation with the lack of internet is not helping at all. Jon Lee said that I sound really muddle headed and I can't string anything coherent. I told him that this has been happening for days. When my internet is cut, I can no longer think, I can only react. When did I become this dependent on the internet? Or on communication?

I am still trying to construct a coherent email but I can't get anything out at all in this state. Perhaps it's better that I didn't try to do anything anyway, with my head just... empty. Maybe it's all just within my mind but the frustration is getting to me. It squeezes out everything else and... sigh. Maybe I should just go to bed. Let my brain degenerate a little more, every day...

Seems to be a music day today

Listening to Mozart's Concerto for Flute and Harp played by Emmanuel Pahud and Marie-Pierre Langlamet right now... in a reasonably good mood. In school right now because Carmen from Opus Dei had asked me to go for the Mass of St Josemaria which I then didn't get the location right *facepalm* I ended up in the wrong place and decided to just go to school instead, and then a thought occurred to me to listen to the flute and harp concerto... I always find it funny when I explain to people that I'm headbanging to classical music, but sometimes the rhythm is just so catchy...

Btw if you're wondering... I do listen to other kinds of music. My mind is actually very open to new things and it's fun when someone sends me music that they think that I might not like, but I do. One of the reasons why I like being around my trippy (well, triplet) is that she always sends me stuff she likes without worrying if I'd like it, and as a matter of fact, I almost always like them because there is almost always something to appreciate in every kind of music. And really, what she sends me often makes me smile because it's something so new to me but yet so worthy of appreciation. Of the people/music she has sent me so far, I particularly like Kerli, and some other songs produced using Vocaloid is pretty good too. The last thing she sent was 'Suki Daisuki' which was so cute, it was funny, you know, like watching the antics of a little kid.

Speaking of little kids, I was playing with my little cousin Hazel yesterday, who is 22 months and she can already vocalise to ask for some things. How amazing :) she kept asking for jie jie (older sister) yesterday because her mom was trying to get her to have her nap but she knows that jie jie won't send her to sleep, haha :p then she kept asking me to sit on the steps with her, which I did... when I stretched out my legs they reached from one end of the staircase to the other. When she tried to do the same, she came up to less than half the same distance. The length of my legs exceeds her entire height. How fascinating, hehe. Then she kept asking for frogs because they often catch some frogs in the garden. The poor frogs probably won't be appearing any time soon though, I was told that there had just been poisonous fertiliser added to the soil. As to why fertiliser is poisonous I have not any idea. Isn't that the wrong idea? Do we not have any alternatives that are less damaging to the environment and our health? Sigh.

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Today Colin came over to my place to teach me some organ skills, so that I can become the next organist for 11am. He also gave me a copy of Breaking Bread, which is our hymnal, just that it's last year's version so they don't use it any more and he said that I could have it! Yay! :D I've always wanted to be able to record songs by both singing and playing, but doing both simultaneously has always been a challenge for me, particularly when I'm on the harp and I need to move a pedal, the intonation tends to change. If you've ever watched the video of me playing and singing the Ave Maria, you'd understand. Colin then suggested that I could use a recording device like Jonathan Wong's (not Lee) to first record the piano part and then sing over the recording. Oh well. What I'm working on is a Zoom Q3 which is pretty much good for my purposes already so I shan't complain too much. The sound is really quite good and all my videos on youtube have been made with the Q3. He taught me the 4/4 version of ballad and ballad rock which I think I've pretty much caught. He also taught me the Mass parts for the Gloria and Our Father. Reasonably straightforward. Afterwards I showed him my recordings of the hymns that I had played at ACS(I) that day and I surprised him with my chord experimentation on Amazing Grace, heh. Otherwise I was thinking that my harp improvisations so far should be directly transferrable to piano except for a few tweaks to be able to aural clues to lead the congregation.

Later on, when he was on the way out, I realised that my dad had asked my younger bro to have his tuition in his room. It didn't take me long to figure out that my dad had made that request: he had done so so as not to... ahem... Disturb us. Totally hilarious. I can just imagine the various people in the household taking bets on which guy which comes to the house is my boyfriend. The answer is, none of them, simply because I don't have a boyfriend. Pay up, all of you :P Actually after the chalet last week I had wanted to write a post about my own relationship situation (No it does not have anything to do with either Jon Lee or Colin...!), but I'm still in the process of fully articulating it. Furthermore my notes about it are in my home computer still so I have to get back to them first anyway.

Ah! The cadenza of the 3rd movement! Written by Reinecke, it sounds lovely. I'm reminded again that I have to play it next year. Not exactly my cup of tea because I like the Handel harp concerto better: even before entering the conservatory, when I had to choose a concerto to play for my audition, I chose Handel because it's just more fun, really. Hmm. I have to ask Huang Yin what concerto she played for her audition.

Gosh... just listening to Bach puts me in such a good mood. I was listening to Brandenburg 2 played by my friends and... ... ... ... wow... I couldn't stop smiling all through the whole thing. Bach is really such magic. He weaves with the lines of staves. I really have to thank Wen Rong for making a recording. It's simply... well, you can really understand why Bach is singularly the most represented person on the Voyager Golden Record, out of all the people that ever lived. I can't believe that I was never really into Bach until after learning about the intricacy of his fugues and all the stuff in the WTC. Then again, I guess it's like art people with the Mona Lisa or the statue of David... Most other people are just saying 'meh, what's the big deal with this stupid thing' but for those who really know and understand... they just appreciate the magic and pure genius behind it, more and more. Btw... WTC means Well-Tempered Clavier (Keyboard), not What The C***. Just thought I should say it xD I never realised that it could stand for something else until yesterday in the shower and I just thought.... oops. Heh. If you're interested in getting to know Bach, I highly suggest the Brandenburg Concertos, especially Nos. 2, 3 and 5, 3 being my favorite. The Prelude from Cello suite No. 1 and Prelude from Violin Partita No. 3 are also good, though for the violin partita I prefer the harp version of it, specifically Marie-Pierre Langlamet's version of it, simply because her artistry and mastery of that piece on the harp far exceeds the vast majority of violin players. She inspires me because she dares to dream what other people think is impossible on the harp. Anyway. There's also Art of Fugue but that's a bit harder to appreciate without a score. Coming to the end of the Art of Fugue though... that was the first and only time Bach made me tear up. He never managed to finish the Art of Fugue, you know... he died before he could complete it. When I heard the last notes of the unfinished last fugue, No. 14, die away, the notes incredibly full of the the promise of something beautiful, like a secret bridge to paradise... the promise unfulfilled... I felt an incredible sense of loss, not just for myself, but for all humanity.

The heart is a sea of secrets

Earlier today, I thought I wouldn't get a chance to make my post today and somehow that thought made me really frustrated. I think it's not actually making the post itself, but more that my internet access is restricted because of the mio tv thing. I was already making my plans on how to get internet in another manner... I used to use the computer in the darkness in our living room when I was in jc and before I went to uni... that was how my astigmatism went up by a lot because I was using it in the dark because my parents didn't let me use the computer but luckily I almost don't have to resort to that any more, except today (at least I thought) because of the restricted internet. Though I know that it's the best thing for everyone if my dad and older bro got to watch their mio tv, it does still get on my nerves.

I wonder how much everyone is holding back inside. When we see something that we are unhappy about, most of us don't express it, and that's usually for the best because oftentimes, silence is actually a better policy than honesty. But if we all hold back things... how many secrets do we hold then? I think of myself and how many secrets I hold... I have many friends, many of them really close friends, but I can't really say that any of them actually know everything about me. After knowing me for 2 years, one of my friends said that he still doesn't understand me. But but... I want to be understood. I want to say everything to someone, maybe not everyone, but at least someone, but yet, nobody I'm close to is someone that I would say everything to. Maybe writing things down is a start.

Another thing is that I believe is that I have become reliant on writing as a way to process my thoughts. I feel as if my ability to think is debilitated when I don't get to write things down, like on the days when I have to make short posts because of the mio tv.

I am feeling so frustrated that I’m nearly going out of my skull. One part of it is anxiety but the vast part of it is really about this feeling of sian-ness (ennui) that I often associate with my periods of demophobia when I really don’t want to talk to anybody at all. And yet this seems to be the opposite… the fear of not being able to communicate. So I feel this feeling whenever I I’ve been getting too much socialization, or too little? There is still so much that I don’t understand about myself. Yes I have come a long way since the arbitrary flare-ups that led to the end of my first relationship, but even then I need to know my own reactions to things before I can truly make rational decisions. Why is it not coming to me?

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I heard from one of my juniors the other day that one of the Section Leaders (SLs) after me made a comment to the section that I had not been a good SL. Actually I was a lot more surprised that my junior was a lot more angry about it than I was, her rationale being that you don't criticise your predecessors, especially to people who don't know me and may have the wrong impression of me. Well, I wasn't mad at all, just raised my eyebrow and said mildly, "Oh, really." and I was thinking back to the time when I was SL. I do remember that I was a poor SL in so many different ways. I could give the excuse about how messed up I was at the time because of the breakup of my first relationship. But suffering is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and if they wish to dislike me, I would humbly accept it. After all, I know exactly what I did and did not do as SL, and truly... if they didn't dislike me at the end of my tenure I should be extremely thankful.

In summary...

The past few days have been such an absolute roller coaster that I don't even know where to start. I've written down my points for this post somewhere but I don't think I will have time to actually write out everything because dad turned on his mio tv thing and I don't have any connection to my own room. Also I don't think it's easy to fit in 2 days worth of thinking into half an hour, especially because, for once, it isn't so much of random fluff. The next stuff that I'm going to talk about Is more of descriptive though, and skimming over the more important issues to have a brief overview about what I was doing the past few days. I couldn't write something every day the last few days because I was offshare from mainland Singapore, so there wasn't any internet connection. No I do not have a smartphone! :P

I was talking to Jon Lee about how writing something every day means that you have a hit-and-miss situation. Some days, it's completely random and hard to follow, but if you write something every day, sometimes you hit on the good stuff. I think back to the last few times when I used to blog infrequently because I was often waiting for something discussion-worthy to write about, but it becomes a kind of waiting game sometimes.

The chalet on the offshore island of Sultan Shoal was extremely fun though, just like the first time I went. We went fishing and caught a lot of fish, which Yuezhi's mom then cooked and we were able to eat for dinner as part of the nasi lemak. Jon Lee said that he should change his major to fishing, so that for the first time he will be able to know a skill with which he can feed himself. Haha. Viola players. Anyway the island has 2 chalets and only PSA employees can book the chalet, which means that it's pretty much alone most of the time, except for the occasional times when you meet the people from the other chalet. Yuezhi's mom loves the place, because it's a place where one can truly be alone.

Another thing... Jon Lee has officially graduated from BMT! BMT meaning... Basic Mahjong Training. We were teaching him how to play mahjong while on the island, and he was teaching us how to play the Cashflow, which is a game that teaches basic financial knowledge. A fair exchange, I think. Anyway I still have to share this family computer with my younger bro, who wants to use it now, so cheerio til then!

The search for truth

I was watching a documentary today (documentaries are my guilty pleasure, I can spend all day going from one documentary to the next, assuming my automatic nag-to-go-practice button doesn't deploy) and it was about Galileo and his publication of his theory of a heliocentric universe. Galileo VS the Catholic Church is probably the most famous showdown of science VS religion. Many science advocates use this example to show that things that religious leaders say is rubbish, or at least not completely believable and their belief in their religion is often groundless. Of course, if you look at the Catholic Church today, everyone is able to see that they are very open about science. The Vatican has its own observatory and the Church even holds the view of theological evolution (there's a link to the wikipedia article on one of my older posts, but I'm sure you'd rather just look for it yourself) instead of creationism.

It seems that the Church has done an abrupt about-face when it comes to science, and some people have even said that this was a sign that, after bowing to the pressures of society to accept the truth of science, the Church would slowly come to accept other things that are socially acceptable but not necessarily theologically acceptable, for example homosexual relations. In my opinion, that is highly unlikely.

Long before Galileo (1564-1642), St Thomas Acquinas (1225-1274) was already teaching about the nature of truth... Truth is truth, and truths that we find cannot possibly contradict other truths. If you have two ideas that you think are truths but yet one obviously contradicts the other, then evidently, one or both of them must be wrong, i.e. not the truth. Up to here, commonsensical enough. The dicey part comes when you are trying to decide if the 'truths' that we already know are really truths or not. In the case of the Galilean saga, the Church believed strongly in the geocentric universe because it had always (alright, for 1500+ years) been the scientific truth that was taught by the Greek masters, Aristotle and Ptolemy. Compare those venerable masters to Galileo, and the poor guy must have seemed like a real upstart at the time. If that doesn't move you, try comparing any memorable composers of today to the music masters like Bach and Beethoven. No comparison. The Church took the science of the Greek masters, compared them to theology about how "Man was created only less than the angels", and felt that the geocentric model made sense because, how could we have been put on an Earth that orbits the Sun (thus making it 'inferior' to the Sun) if we humans were so exalted, so to speak.

The geocentric model was so common during Galileo's time that it is important to note that when Galileo wrote his Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems, the two systems he wrote about was the heliocentric and the geocentric. Galileo saw the geocentric model as important enough to give evidence for both sides, though he was clearly in favour of the heliocentric model. The Church saw this, and they knew all the 'evidence' for the geocentric model of course, and so to them it was completely unthinkable that this joker is trying to advocate something so different. In their eyes, because they saw the geocentric model as truth (they definitely had the 'evidence' to back it up), they saw Galileo as not only trying to undermine the authority of the Church (I have always seen this as a possibility, the Church was kinda corrupt back then) but also advocating bad science. The idea being that the Church saw geocentricism as conformant to Scripture, the 'truth' of science being confirmed by the 'truth' of Scripture (recall St Thomas Aquinas), and heliocentricism as not having the 'endorsement' of Scripture, so to speak. In other words, they saw Galileo's 'truth' about the heliocentric model as being contradictory to the 'truth' of Scripture, or at least what they thought Scripture was about. The Church, seeing itself as the moral authority, thus saw fit to step in and force Galileo to recant under multiple threats. The Church was wrong of course, but what it did at the time was not completely irrational nor based solely on Scripture, but rather grounded on scientific 'truths' that had held 'true' since the time of the Greeks.

As people, we are all on the search for truth, and almost nobody is ever completely sure that their version of 'truth' is indeed, the truth. Though we may find something that seems to be the truth, we owe it ourselves to still constantly search for the true truth. After all, if we just stubbornly hold on to our own version of 'truth' without exploring what others have to offer, can we really say that what our version of 'truth' is really the truth? If our 'truth' is untested, how do we know that it is true then? At the same time, if we find more evidence for our version of 'truth', will we not then be more convinced that we are on the right path in life?

On a side note... Galileo was also wrong. The universe is definitely not heliocentric. Two sides arguing vehemently about who is right... when both are wrong. Funny.

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About today... As a rule I don't really like to go out because travelling tends to tire me out. I do however enjoy taking the chance to observe other people's behaviour, especially kids, because they have the most uninhibited and unadulterated behaviour. I was going towards the Serangoon MRT when I saw a man giving out flyers. Two sisters, maybe around age 8 and 6, were walking in front of me and the younger took a flyer and the flyer guy said 'Thank you". I was trying to figure out why he had thanked the two girls in particular, especially because he was so black faced towards the other people who had reluctantly taken his flyers. I understood when I saw the content of the flyer... It was selling some condominium development. (Though why a condominium developer would advertise in an MRT station, I can't really figure, it's not exactly the right target group) When the two girls saw what was on the flyer, the younger exclaimed, "What do we need this for??" The older girl said, "Throw it away." The younger girl scolded the older by saying, "We can give it to mom! She buys houses, duh...." while pointing at her own temple to denote her own intelligence and imply her older sister's according lack of it. I couldn't help but smile. Aiyo, their mom is quite poor thing. She not only gets irritating flyers from those that she meets on the street, but now her kids are bringing home flyers too! Hahaha.

On a different side... though what the older girl said makes more sense to adults, they would probably think of the more articulate, if rude, younger sister as being the more intelligent. Mainly because she speaks more. When I used to go to primary schools for various purposes, like giving tuition to kids who can't afford tuition, or organising other activities like an educational talk, the more articulate children did indeed make me feel that they are more intelligent. This makes me think about the common fault that Jon, C and I all have, that is, we tend to talk too much unnecessarily and end up shooting our mouth off sometimes. Might it be that since young we were taught by experience that talking more gets us more comments from strangers or relatives saying we are smart, so when we get an idea we want to say it out straight away, in a display of intelligence, not knowing that true knowledge comes not in constantly speaking, but rather in listening to what others have to say and then learning from them?

Yet, a lack of expression is clearly not a lack of intelligence. Yuezhi would be the best proof of that. She's actually pretty quiet most of the time, and was definitely very quiet when she was in secondary school, because we have a classmate in the conservatory whose boyfriend used to be in the same class as Yuezhi and apparently in those 2 years, she was so quiet that the guy wasn't even completely sure that he was really in the same class as her. But she's definitely highly intelligent, something that we could tell, long before we even knew that she used to be from the gifted program.

I had a discussion about the gifted program on the Italy trip with a lady whose niece used to be from the gifted program. She said that looking at her niece, the gifted program kids tend to be more articulate, and the niece once confronted (yes confronted) the school principal about the behaviour of a pregnant teacher who was having hormonal imbalances, shall we say. Though the principal tried to explain, the girl wasn't mollified and in the end the principal had to get her mom to come take her home because she refused to leave until she got a valid answer. There is the implied meaning that the intelligent kids, especially those in the gifted program, are more articulate. But maybe being articulate, sometimes to the point of being irritating (my little cousin is like that), is a kind of learned behaviour that kids do because they learned at a young age that it earns them smiles and approval from the adults. When we look at Yuezhi, how we know that she is intelligent is from the way she responds to situations as well as questions posed by other people. But maybe kids don't have so many opportunities to exhibit their intelligence in that way and get approval from adults, so they learnt to speak non-stop instead, to show to others what they know. Hmm.

Whatever it is, I hope my little cousin grows out of it soon, for the sake of my other cousins who have to live with him. It really gets irritating. But his behaviour is kinda useful though... whenever I start to talk too much about rather commonsensical things to people, I use the image of my little cousin to remind myself not to be irritating :P

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In case you were wondering why I went out, it was to meet my junior Penelope (if you read the archives from way back you can see her being mentioned) who put all her eggs into one basket, "albeit one that I like very much" and after not getting what she wanted, she's now bereft. I thought about it myself and realised that we all do that sometimes. For me it was being with my first love. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with him and for two years I planned every aspect of my future life around him, being around him and sometimes choosing not to go for options that would have been better for me. When the breakup came, I just felt as if my future (in a way) was ruined. My dreams were gone, because he had featured so prominently in them it seemed difficult to be able to dream again. I didn't know what to do with my life, I was lost because he gave my life meaning. The words of love that one speaks into a beloved's ears is not always just mushy fluff, as I found out the hard way. Looking at our couple blog from those days (it's private with a password, so don't bother trying to look for it) I felt the pain all over again and I couldn't take it in the end and I had to close the window. This was really someone whom I loved with all my heart. In some way I'm still scarred a little by it, but luckily for me I've always been able to be easily distracted, and I just pile on the ideas in my head until the things I don't want to think about are stuffed right in the very back of my head.

Anyway for Penelope I suggested a ton of ideas. Privately I was glad that I had gone to university so that I knew more about the system and could do more to help her. She didn't get the scholarship to go to France, so I suggested writing to French companies operating in Singapore (the only one I can think of offhand is Carrefour, but that'd hardly qualify?) or the Association Francais de Singapour to ask for financial assistance. The truth is, there are rich people out there who don't know what to do with their money because actually the vast majority of the self-made rich are hardworking people and not materialistic, so they often have excess and are really looking for a good place to put it in, and if you can convince them that you have a purpose and a passion... She was also worried because she had missed the application deadline for accomodation in France. I told her that even if the deadline is over she can still try her luck. It's just a letter or phone call away and if it works, then good, if it doesn't, you don't lose much anyway. Sometimes a deadline is just a matter of administration and well, if you get lucky, it's great. She mentioned getting a student loan but as a person I'm really not for the whole student loan thing. Getting into debt even before you enter the workforce doesn't sound like the most prudent action to me, but.... oh well, if you need it, you need it. Then she examined her dream of working as a French teacher/translator, and wondered if it might be possible to be something else. I told her that since she has both the passion and the ability, she should go for it as far down the road as she can. Well, she has the blessing of her parents for her dream, which I think is truly a great blessing. So many people have a passion that their parents didn't support, so they ended up going into careers that they didn't really want... and only being able to pursue their passion decades later. At this age if we can we should be chasing our dreams, because we have many more years to go and really if it doesn't work out, we just try another route.

Rambles again. Well it's late so here I go to bed.

P.S. I added some dividers so that the ideas are clearer. Hope that helps.